Holidazed and confused: Walwalidays 101: A social survival guide for the party season

MANILA, Philippines - We all know that the holiday season is the greatest, most wonderful time of the year because why else would we start preparing for it three to four months in advance? The holiday season is usually spent giving time to those we love and those who love us. We make sure that every holiday season we appreciate the good that has come into our lives throughout the year with small tokens of appreciation with varying pricetags.

There will be three types of holiday parties that may be made available to you at this time of year. If you work for a company that slightly cares about the morale of its workers, your boss might throw a little Christmas party for you and your workmates. Workplace parties are a tricky place to let yourself loose during the holidays. You may have clocked out of office hours, but you still have the sinking feeling that your boss has become this Big Brother character and is sneakily counting how much alcohol you’ve had or how many of the good parts you’ve eaten off the shared plate of wings (because we know that chicken drumettes are a hot commodity) and will fire you if you overstep either.

So there is always some merit in planning ahead. The mantra for your night should be “Check Yourself, Before You Wreck Yourself.” Know your limits, figure out how far you can stretch them and adjust accordingly. If you don’t know, drink red wine and be conscious of the fact that if you drink too much of it, a purple stain will cover your teeth. This’ll force you to drink a lot of water and to hit the buffet table in between allowing you to sober up and ensuring your teeth don’t end up looking like Grape Fruitella. Assign one of your most trusty coworkers to be your Designated Dignity Watcher to keep you in check during the night when you start to fall off. If you are the type of person who will send texts drunk, put your phone on airplane mode until you sober up and drive yourself home. If you have no ride, it’s probably best to keep your apps open on Uber. This’ll guarantee a safe ride home whilst you are partying and when you’re drunk enough, you might think your phone is a dedicated uber machine and incapable of sending embarrassing text messages. Make sure the eyeliner you wear is waterproof. The holidays are an emotional time of year and if you’ve never gotten tipsy around workmates and feel like its a very momentous occasion and you might need to cry, it’s better to get yourself covered. And please, don’t bring any food home.

Once your work parties are done, it’s time for the ones you spend with your friends. You are right to safely assume that your friends love you no matter what so it’s easy to transition from “holiday” to “walwaliday.” If it is a potluck celebration, don’t be the d*ck that will bring something no one will appreciate. Bring Carbs — both solid and liquid, with the liquid preferably being an alcoholic beverage all your friends can enjoy. Freeloading during the holidays is not a good look. You’re supposed to be appreciating your friends. When it comes to handling yourself at a party with friends, I’m sure you’ll be pretty well-versed with your own game plan but always make sure that you have a ride home if you can’t crash on the couch, or at least have a convincing argument while drunk on how letting you crash on the couch is the true meaning of Christmas.

The last holiday party you will go to is also the most tedious, and emotionally manipulative. They are your large family parties — but more often than not, these are the best and most entertaining. Yes, It’s always a taxing experience to go to one of these because you know already before entering the door that you will be hear the following statements: “Tumaba ka” and its other grating variations, “When are you gonna get married?”, and my personal favorite, “When are you getting a real job? Your (Insert Family Member) is in (Insert Lucrative Industry), maybe they can help.” But, when else will you have the opportunity to enter the spectrum of tipsy to blind drunk (depending on your family’s stance on alcohol) with a beloved family member you cherish. The key to successfully partying with your family is fulfilling the niceties with the family members you don’t like early on in the evening. Once the good stuff comes out you can grab a glass of your preferred intoxicant and swing over to the kids’ table or the drunken tito table or the loud tita table — whichever one you like best. If you don’t want to fall into the known holiday food coma, take the healthy approach of daily eating and have five small meals instead of three big ones. But since it’s Christmas, you can do this within a two-hour period instead of 24. What a truly wonderful time of year.

If you go to any one of these parties and find yourself failing early, keep your mind at ease and let go of all your worries. The holidays are also a time for forgiveness. And don’t worry, there’s always New Year’s Eve to try again.