Seven dates you meet in hell

MANILA, Philippines - Love is like money. Only some people have it. Dating is like trying to get rich. Most people die trying. Here is a list of seven out of an infinite number of bad dates you can have trying to find love in a place where it doesn’t exist: hell.

The Overachiever

First she wants to take a jeepney ride to Binondo to get some deep-fried siopao. Then she wants to look at some art at the Metropolitan Museum of Manila. Then she wants to have coffee at The Curator. Then she wants to cross the footbridge that connects Mandaluyong and Makati to be in two places at once. Bitch, this ain’t no Walk To Remember. First of all, you’re not dying. Second, you can’t sing. Sometimes people want to turn every single date into a field trip where you can spread out all these activities into a week’s worth of dates. Hell is an eternity and we’ve got all the time in the world. Slow down.

The Goody 2 Shoes

We didn’t end up going out because she wanted to stay home to marathon 7th Heaven on Studio 23. She did iMessage me a passage from the Bible, though:

Proverbs 16:24

Gracious words are a honeycomb,

 Sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.

How does a goody-goody end up in hell, anyway? She must have had premarital sex to get here or something.

The Sleep Dater

How was your day? Have you eaten na?  Do you enjoy small talk?  I’d rather be at home sucking at Flappy Bird.  I excused myself to use the C.R. and never came back.

The Judgment Date

You ever get asked to come over only to find out that the person’s whole barkada is there? Do you really want to spend time listening to the whole barkada’s chismis for the week and pretend to know what they’re talking about? And when they do finally get around to talking to you, they ask the dumbest questions that your date obviously planted because she was on some scheme to fish out information. Each answer you give is an opportunity for them to judge you. What they’re really asking is, “Are you good enough for my friend?” F**k you and your barkada!

The Barokeoke

I’m an amboy so you know the barok chick had to make the tuff 10 (in this case, tuff seven). She wants to make fun of me for being a nosebleed spokening dollars so I had to treat her like an episode of The Buzz’s “Stop Me” segment. The whole date she was talking about her “stuffs” and she spent all my money ordering more “foods.” After dinner, I took her to videoke and I listened to her sing “Wrecking Bowl” by Mylee Cyroos. What am I talking about? This was a good date. I’m actually meeting her again tomorrow at Cafe Havana, Greenbelt 3 for some round-two action.

TDTF (Too Drunk To Fu...nction)

Not all dates end up as relationships. Some turn out to be one-time things, two-time flings, and three times is FUBU na. Clubs are the perfect place to make this happen. And there’s no one more DTF than a party girl. You don’t even have to talk. You let your money for drinks do the talking. The good party girl will know when to quit drinking and just make landi the rest of the night. This is what you’re after. Bad party girls are out to abuse your wallet and will keep drinking. These are the party girls I usually end up with. They are not there because they are DTF, they just want to get drunk for free and then they’ll act like they’re too drunk to do anything. The night usually ends in puke, as in vomit. Gross.

The Angel

Have you ever gone on a date with someone you thought was so right for you? You grew up on the same movies and memorized the lyrics to the same songs. You get each other’s sense of humor and stand up for the same causes. This person is the one to lift you out of dating hell and you find yourself asking, “Can I keep you?” Casper The Friendly Ghost-style. Of course it’s a NO because nothing ever good is supposed to happen to you. God will occasionally send an angel to let you know what it’s like in heaven. What a tease.