Is it right for grandparents to spoil their grandchildren?

Dear Mai Mai, China And Tingting,

I am a mother of a six-year-old girl and I’m happy and excited to be one. The problem is, my parents are spoiling our daughter crazy. My husband and I have rules in the house that she breaks because she knows her grandparents will protect her from us. Sometimes, she prefers to be in my parents’ house because she’s pampered there, where no rules apply to her. I’ve spoken to my parents but they said it is their right to spoil their grandchildren. Besides, they argue that we have too many rules. It has come to the point that my husband and I argue about this because his parents are as strict as we are. I can’t limit my daughter’s visit to my parents. What can I do? — Mother-In-Chief

I see my parents spoil their grandchildren too and I also sometimes hear my sisters complain about it jokingly. I don’t think their complaint is as serious as yours. If your situation is turning out to be a major problem, then I definitely think you must talk to your parents again. Maybe, the first time you talked to them, they didn’t realize how stressed you are and how significant the problem is. On the other hand, I also think that your daughter should not be allowed to break your rules. She’s a six-year-old girl and unless you cave in to her whims, she will realize that her parents are her parents… not her grandparents. She prefers to be in your parents’ house? Don’t underestimate your daughter’s power to manipulate. Don’t give in to her tantrums. After all, however she turns out will be a reflection of your kind of parenting. — China

First of all, I suggest that you and your husband get together to talk to your parents. Make it clear that while you appreciate their love for your daughter, they must also allow you to bring her up the way you, as a couple agree — that is, with rules. Let them understand that spoiling your little girl is not helping and is in fact causing some real problems in your home. I agree that you shouldn’t limit your daughter’s visit to your parents, but I think you should be more attentive to the “no rules apply” situations. Observe her closely when she’s there. Observe your parents too. When your daughter breaks your rules, and your parents “overrule” you, point it out to them immediately — discreetly of course. Tell your parents of your rules and ask for their support instead. Like you, I’m sure your parents want only the best for your daughter, so you must make an appeal to that thinking. — Mai Mai

As a grandmother, I can understand your parents’ behavior. I dote on my grandchildren too and yes, they get away with a lot of things in our house that they probably won’t be able to in their parent’s home. So, I’m guilty in that department. However, we’re not the “no rules apply” kind either. We have our own kind of discipline in our house, as I’m sure your parents have too. Still, I think you should talk to them again and let them know that the situation is serious. Your difference in disciplining your daughter is taking a toll on you. Be specific. Cite examples of your daughter’s misbehavior. Let them know that it has been a source of conflict between you and your husband. When your parents realize they are making the situation worse, I’m sure they will back down. Believe me, we only mean well. — Tingting