How do we deal with a troublesome14-year-old?

Dear Mai-Mai, China and Tingting,

My sister and I have a younger brother who is now 15 years old. My father is in Dubai while my mother is a DH in Hong Kong. We have constant communication with our parents but we live by ourselves in a small house in Marikina. We were okay until last year when my brother turned 14. Almost overnight, he changed. We noticed he’d question our decisions more often and went against us twice. My ate who’s 25 is fed up and has shouting matches with him. I’m 20 and the shouting matches stress me. Are we too young to handle him? Should we ask our parents to come home? We’ve been avoiding telling them because we don’t want them worried. It’s not drugs — he’s always sober, always sensible, always in control, never unruly and his grades are actually very good. He’s just turned rebellious on us all of a sudden. Please advise me.

Santa Santita

I would tell my parents about the problem and ask for advice. It is, after all, a big responsibility and I believe they have the right to know. They can point me to the right person who can help me handle the problem. But I’m the youngest of five girls and never had that responsibility, so I wouldn’t know what it takes. What I know is that I was a handful for all my sisters — and I’m a girl. I can just imagine how it is for both of you with your brother. But I don’t think 25 or 20 is too young. My elder sisters were that age when they were given the responsibility to keep tabs on us. And they were stricter than my parents were, as I am sure you are also. Talk to your parents and let them decide how best to handle this problem.  -    China

I would start with knowing his friends and being absolutely sure it isn’t any of the deadly vices. Good grades are a positive proof but maybe you should be more sure. Better safe than sorry, right? I don’t think 20 or 25 is too young to handle the situation (assuming it’s not some deadly vice). I had my ates watching over me and China forever especially when my parents were off in Tarlac for their respective responsibilities. I would just advise your ate to be more patient and not to allow the shouting matches to happen. Once your brother raises his voice, I suggest that she steps back a little. She is giving him power by allowing him to shout at her. Your brother has entered the adolescence period. It could be one reason why he has turned rebellious. Listen to him. What does he want? Is it doable? Can you give it as a reward for his good grades? Don’t be strict with him just for the sake of being strict. Be open-minded. Remember he’s a guy so he’s different from you. Unless it’s anything serious, I wouldn’t tell my parents either. My sisters and I would find a way to figure it out.      -   Mai Mai

Let me just say that with the information you have given us, I would like to think this is a phase — the teenage phase. To make sure that I’m right, you have to also make sure that it’s not drugs or anything that serious (gambling, drinking, bad barkada, etc.). Ask a responsible adult, a teacher, an aunt, or whoever has constant contact with him to give you their opinion. If you’re right and it is not any of the vices we fear, then rest easy; it is just a phase he’s undergoing. I am sure you went through this phase too, except perhaps in a less turbulent manner. Remember, you are both girls, watching over one teenage guy. The pressure’s not really on you, it’s on him. Girls have a higher standard than boys. Give him a break. Ease up a little bit. Learn to compromise with him, especially because he delivers what is expected of him — good grades. Start talking to him as an equal… as an adult. But please tell your parents. They have the right to know.     -   Tingting