Single, cynical sisters unite

Here we go. It’s " nearing that " dreaded time " of the year once again. No, I am not talking about Christmas. While Christmas may be a mind-numbing holiday we have to suffer through with strangers disguised as relatives, its one saving grace is that all these strangers for inconceivable reasons still manage to love each other at the end of the insufferable festivities. And there’s the presents. The dreaded time of the year I am talking about is the clear, fat line in the sands of romance that separates the saps from the cynics. It’s the one day each year when the fantastic, fabulous world of carefree Singletons falls under the sinister shadow of chocolate-covered convention. Once again, the time has come for that naked, winged baby to buzz around, slather us with sugar frosting and clock us in the head with the frightful L-word. Brace yourselves, ladies: Valentine’s Day is coming up.

I know I’m not alone in thinking that Valentine’s Day is total weaksauce. My adolescent memories of V-Day involved all-black ensembles, listening to The Cure, reading Dorothy Parker’s poems in class and biting the heads off the red gummy bears I carried in a Ziploc bag. In college, my roommate and I would milk my Magic Sing for all its battery juice, sip cheap Montepulciano from our coffee mugs and hold a horror movie marathon (that always kicked off with Scream) till we both fell asleep on our living room sofa. On the few occasions that I actually did have a boyfriend on Valentine’s Day, my Disney princess dreams were immediately trumped by the pressure of attempting to create the most romantic evening of my life. The results were awkward, dragging moments padded with uncomfortable silences and long trips to the Ladies’ toilet so I could call my girlfriends and quietly beg them to save me from my date with disaster.

What bothers me the most isn’t even the fact that all my V-Day experiences come in second to a cigarette break on a Tuesday afternoon. I’m used to rotten luck and I’d like to think I handle those situations with the resilience of a veteran. What truly forces my toes to curl inside my leather boots is every other couple whose face-sucking, hand-holding, dessert-sharing relationship makes Valentine’s Day utterly dreadful for savvy Singletons like myself. Sure, it’s easy to say you’re not at all fazed by the fact that you’re dateless on Hallmark’s most romantic day of the year, but try and keep telling yourself that after you’ve treated yourself to a four-star restaurant and have to look at all the nauseating, happy couples mauling each other while you play with your risotto. Trust me, all the pink and red hearts, balloons, roses, teddy bears and bonbons will eventually make you feel like you’ve been hit in the face with a frying pan. Honestly, how are the minority of single people supposed to celebrate the day of love if everyone else makes us feel like we’re raining on their PDA parade?

This year, I’ve figured out a way for couples and Singletons to coexist on Valentine’s Day. It’s no use arguing over who has more right to enjoy themselves when there’s a way for everyone to have a good time. Sure, couples are annoying and gross, but they still deserve the right to be as cheesy as they want to be, no matter how public their displays of affection are. My advice to the unattached woman is to stay at home with your single gal pals this Valentine’s Day. So, in the sappy spirit of V-Day, I’ve thrown together a Stay-in Guide for Singletons like myself. Let the yucky couples have all the fun they want. It’s not every day they forego their toilet-scrubbing, zit-popping, bill-paying existences for even a spark of romance. They deserve a wild and crazy night on the town with their better halves. So I say, let them have it. Let all the shiny, happy couples jaunt through the candy hearts and champagne flutes while we stay home, shine our stilettos, sharpen our claws and take it easy for once. After all, Ladies’ Night is every week, isn’t it?

When V-Day rolls around, make sure you and your fellow cynical Singletons are all set to stay in and be utterly fabulous together. There’s not much you need to make a night of it, but I’ve gone ahead and named the absolute essentials, along with a few fun ideas you may find quite helpful. Remember, you’re not leaving the house, so as long as you and your friends aren’t making a bonfire in your living room out of keepsakes from ex-boyfriends, feel free to party on and celebrate your fierce, fearless female friends on this ridiculous day of love! And don’t you dare forget the chocolate.

The Single, Cynical Sister’s Stay-in Necessities:

1. Theme. It’s always fun to set a theme. If you do, then it’s an awesome excuse to play dress-up (and this time, you won’t have to wait for Halloween) and act like a total fool with your girlfriends. Fun themes are: Movie stars, Suits and Ties, ’80s and Lingerie. Use your imagination.

2. Music. Books and magazines are for when you’re holed up in your room. When you’re having friends over for a V-Day bitchfest, you’d better be sure you have the tunes to back it up. Your song selection may depend on the theme you’ve set for the night, but the absolute essentials are Strutter by Kiss, Bonnie Tyler’s Total Eclipse of the Heart, Gloria Gaynor’s I Will Survive, Cyndi Lauper’s Girls Just Want to Have Fun, Tina Turner’s What’s Love Got to Do With It and absolutely anything Madonna. You get the picture.

3. Movies. No stay-in is complete without the stack of DVDs. I prefer to marathon with horror movies (my personal favorites are Carrie, The Ring and It) and Hollywood classics (I love Casablanca, Breakfast at Tiffany’s and Singing in the Rain). Other ideas are international cinema (try He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not), indie (I heart I Heart Huckabees) and comedy (Just Friends is at the top of my list right now).

4. Games. Who says we’re too old to play Twister? Poker, Taboo and Pictionary are great as well.

5. Junk Food. My all-time favorite thing about a stay-in with girlfriends is the pigging out. Fried food by the bucket (Chicken Joy!), ice cream and sweets will definitely hit the spot, and always go well with group sarcasm.

6. Cocktails. No all-nighter bitchfest is complete without midnight margaritas. So drink up, ladies! Happy Valentine’s Day.

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Party on, girls! Wisdom and wisecracks are always welcome at whippersnappergirl@hotmail.com.