Great expectations

E-Male has been receiving a lot of e-mail recently (no pun intended). Aside from the customary electronic flirtation he’s been picking up from his ever-growing love-hate base, a number of men have asked him about his thoughts on the new year. But, E-Male has been well-reserved to pass on shanty advice. Merely relaying the traditional and highly antiquated list of New Year’s resolutions is surely a task not fit for a guru — even for a guwapo guru (apologies to OWWA Deputy Administrator Bong Cruz). Instead, E-Male has decided to put a spin on things.

New Year has always been juxtaposed to the idea of change. Resolutions, as we might call them, are usually discarded like grocery receipts before the first morning of February.

Of course, there are the more difficult resolutions most men try to ridiculously abide by (e.g. quit smoking, sober up, no pornography), and then there are others that are too abstract to even try to do (e.g. peace on earth, solving world hunger, developing an efficient Philippine postal service). The smarter ones try to think of more specific, manageable and short-term goals (e.g. getting a promotion, finishing college, finally losing your Vs, as in, virtues). But more often than not, resolutions end up becoming pieces of candy that are far too hard to swallow.

It saddens E-Male that such a momentous season that’s supposed to be filled with merriment and thanksgiving is always dampened by one too many hearts running for cover while looking for some spark of change in them. Promises are made to landlords and girlfriends, and reserved for schizophrenics if done on a personal level.

In E-Male’s eyes, New Year is a time for making resolutions, but it is also a time of expectation. Being part of the season of giving there oughta be some gettin’ as well. In fact, New Year to E-Male runs from Jan. 1 to the Chinese New Year.

Thus, it could be celebrated for at least two months with a healthy siding of optimism and a dash of enthusiasm. Eyes to the sky with heads held high and all that mumbo-jumbo, with an inspirational Chicken Soup for the Soul anecdote to boot. It is surely no sin to want to give something to the world, nor is it a sin to want to get something back. And by exercising his newfound right as a guru (and crass narcissist), E-Male proposes the creation of a new tradition — New Year’s Expectations.

Two thousand two has certainly raised some eyebrows (though E-Male wishes that more of some other things were raised as well *hint* *hint*), with the year not wanting to leave without a bang — and not in the naughty big bang sense. The most recent scandals care of the MMFF and Ate Glo’s surprise announcement have left many Filipinos wondering where this country’s wandering off to next. Then again, it’s like some delightful soap opera or reality TV show where the punches keep on coming, and the excitement just doesn’t stop. With such a climactic end to its predecessor, 2003 is gearing up to be one for the books, giving us a lot to put down on our New Year’s Expectations list.

But drawing up a list of New Year’s Expectations isn’t as simple as picking out slipshod predictions for the coming year. Obviously, a prediction is quite different from an expectation. For example, E-Male predicts that he will still continue to be a handsome, sexy man for as long as he lives, while at the same time he expects that he will be a very handsome sexy man for as long as he lives. So, as you can see, two entirely different things.

A New Year’s Expectation is also far from being merely a listing of self-serving points of reference. An expectation is a slice of wishful thinking so to speak. Further examples of New Year’s Expectations include: a) better treatment from my girlfriend, b) a higher paycheck and c) better road maintenance by the government. It does seem rational that if we put in quality hours to change our ways for the benefit of society, society then must change for the benefit of the people. A certain sense of universal reciprocity. A give-and-take situation. Social equilibrium. Personal bliss.

Expectations can vary from the simple to the atrociously impossible (e.g. Diana Zubiri applying as E-Male’s laptop secretary), and just like resolutions, these expectations hardly have any logical basis. Resolutions can be made simply to get us past the initial months of another year, but purely for the purpose of entertainment value. Still, it’s much akin to drooling over a set of Jaguars outside the dealership — an impossibility in every sense of the word, but it never hurts to fantasize. ’Ika nga in that ’80s kitsch hit "Dreams are my reality... the only kind of real... fhhaaantaseee."

Okay, so maybe there’s a sprinkling of disillusion and even kabaduyan in seeing the country in a more pleasing state than it actually is. In any case, there’s never really any harm in a little disillusion is there? At the end of the year, when all of our resolutions have been forgotten and our expectations shattered we can always look forward to another year — and simply sit down and draw up a whole new list of expectations.

E-Male’s New Year’s Expectations

1) Gulp War — people escape the stress and tension of the impending Gulf War, its inflationary effect on economies by hiding in beer bunkers.

2) In line with the anticipated public escapism, manghuhulas and feng shui experts will have field day fleecing the public.

3) The matron of Malacañang will do something good for the country — finally.

4) Cha-cha will be a dance craze in the House of Representatives but there will be no dancing in the streets.

5) Nokia 7650 will be the toy and tool of choice of everybody. Those with Nokia 3210 will be ashamed to use their phones.

6) Volvo will be the vroom-vroom vehicle among yuppies.

7) Winona Ryder will do a Mark Jimenez and cool down in the tropical beaches of Boracay.

8) Ex-President Joseph Estrada will be convicted for plunder but pardoned in the name of national reconciliation.

9) Fashionistas will adopt a low-maintenance look and avoid Rolex, Technomarine, Omega, Gucci, Escada, Ferragamo, Christian Dior, Escada in favor of more functional, Filipino-made but stylish wear, apparel and accessories.

10) After reading this column, Diana Zubiri will e-mail her resume to E-Male and will consider a career in a law firm.

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E-mail E-Male at: argee@justice.com.