When to let go

Hi!

I’m happy that I am surrounded by friends, family and loved ones. However, I recently found out that almost all of my friends have problems with their love life. Most of it is about letting go... they don’t know when to let go. Most of them have problems with cheating boyfriends, others have a problems with guys that they love but won’t commit to them. One of my friends even went overboard and allowed herself to get pregnant by her cheating boyfriend ’cause she felt that if she got pregnant, he would commit. But well, the pressure was too much for her so she had an abortion. I feel helpless ’cause when they come to me for advice, I hardly know what to say. Because all of them are asking me "when is it the right time to let go?" Is it when he’s cheated on you once... twice... or if he can’t commit.... I hope you can tell me cause, well you’re a guy and I think that you’re in the position to speak on behalf of all the guys out there. Thanks a bunch! :) — Bianca

Well, I hardly think I can speak for all the guys out there, but I can certainly give you my opinion. So, when to let go, huh? It really does depend on individual situations and the people and feelings involved. In a lot of cases I would recommend breaking up if one of the partners (guy or girl) cheats in a supposedly monogamous relationship. It shows lack of respect for the partner and their feelings, and many times, seems an unforgivable deed. However, there are some cases where a relationship can still be salvaged from such a screw-up. In these cases both sides need to have a deep desire to save their collective lovelife, and it will take a lot of understanding and forgiveness on behalf of the wronged party, and complete honesty and commitment from the wrongdoer.

If any of your friends have been cheated on, I suggest they sit down and have a long hard talk with their partners. It may be brutal, but they both need to be completely honest with each other and let it all out. Not only admissions of guilt but also feelings of hurt, etc. If the guy (or girl) can see how much he has hurt his partner by cheating on her, then it’s a pretty good deterrent from doing it again. I am of course assuming that the guys are not heartless creeps who couldn’t care less how their partner feels ("paging Mr. Stiffler of American Pie...").

If the offending partner doesn’t seem suitably repentant, then yes, it’s probably best to end things right there and then before they commit a repeat performance. The thing about a lot of people who cheat is that if they get away with it once, they often feel like they can get away with it again. So, if you forgive them too fast and easily, there is less reason for them to stay loyal next time as they think they’ll just have to put up with a bit of nagging and that’s it. Make it clear that they only get ONE amnesty card.

So by this rationale, anyone who cheats on you twice or more has already gotten a taste of it and obviously has no respect whatsoever for the sanctity of the relationship. If they want to fool around that much, then they should break up first and then lead the single life. They can’t have both. If you’ve been cheated on regularly, then get rid of them, because it’ll only get worse.

As for the commitment issue, well... in many a guy’s language, the "C" word is enough to turn a good deal of brave and fearless guys into sniveling cowards. We’re often afraid of the responsibility and finality of it all. Just because a guy doesn’t want to get married right away doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you or that he wants to see other people. It’s just that a lot of guys have a little-boy "Peter Pan" complex where they don’t want to settle down...yet. Be straight up and ask if he has plans of settling down in the future. Just because he’s afraid of getting married too early or something doesn’t mean he can’t be committed to one person for a long time, which may lead to marriage. But there are no guarantees. Better that he be a bit afraid now than jumping in headfirst, getting married, and then changing his mind a year later.

If you want a guy to commit, one of the worst things to do is try and trap him. Your friend’s idea of getting pregnant is a perfect example of what not to do, with rather obvious results. In her case, I’d ditch the guy if he’s cheating on her all the time and look for someone else. She may be afraid that she’s invested so much time in this relationship to just let it all go, but it’s better to be single or even start a fresh relationship that has the potential of being good, than to continue one that is obviously not working.

There are no real hard and fast rules for when to end a relationship, but I think if either of you are not happy with the situation and don’t foresee it getting any better for one reason or another (whether it be factors out of your control or a personal lack of desire by either party), then it may be time to call it quits. What is important is not to lose sight of who you are. It’s OK to adjust and make compromises in a relationship, just make sure you’re not the only one doing it.

* * * Never Too Skinny

Hi, Marc!

I would just like to know — is being skinny okay? My figure is 29-23-34. My height is that of an average teenager (I’m 5’2, age is eighteen) and I have a pretty face. But what’s bothering me is my figure. My sis kept on teasing me that I’m way too thin for my age (Hah! Can’t she admit she’s slim, too? Well fine, I’m thinner!). My friends say the same comments but some guys tell me that my shape is okay. But whom do I really have to trust? How about you, Marc, what do you think? — Skinny Yuna

Hmm, are you sure you’re not just writing to fish for compliments on your figure? I know a whole lot of girls who would love to be as slim as you. Admittedly a 23 waistline is kind of tiny, but considering your height, it should not look that bad. I actually have a personal preference for petite girls on the slim side, so don’t worry, I’m sure you look great to me and a whole lot of other guys out there (hmm... still single??).

However, you should be careful not to lose any more weight as there is such a thing as being underweight, and if your bones start poking through your skin instead of having that much needed layer of muscle and fat, then you may need to add a bit of weight. Anything in extreme is too much.

You may be wondering about my mention of a necessary layer of fat. Surely I don’t want anyone to put on fat?? Well, believe it or not, we all need a little bit of fat on our bodies in order to stay healthy. Women in fact carry and need a bit more than men. So it’s OK to carry a little bit of blubber. It’s one thing to be ripped and toned, but something else completely to be anorexic and skeletal.

So, as long as it’s not affecting your health, I don’t really see anything wrong with you being on the slim side. Just be prepared though, that as you get older and your metabolism slows down, it may be harder to keep that slim frame without some hard work and exercise. In fact now would be a good time to start getting some exercise even if you are slim, as a little bit of extra muscle in the right places can look fantastic on a slim figure.

As for your friends and sister, I wouldn’t worry too much about them teasing you. Siblings always need to find a flaw, real or imagined, to tease their brothers or sisters about, so if it wasn’t your figure, it’d probably be your dress sense, speech or choice of boyfriends. Just roll with it and be happy that you’re blessed with a slim figure...for the time being at least. — Marc

* * * On Reading Guys

Dear Marc,

Hey there! Your advice column is way cool! Anyways, I just wanna ask you these questions: 1) If a guy says, "I like you, and I’d like to get to know you more," what do you think about it? Is he really serious about me? 2) If he says, "My inner self is slowly drawing itself to you," what would that mean? 3) If he calls me regularly, would that mean he is really serious about me? 4) I have this symptoms that I am falling in love with him because he is really nice and all, problem is, how could I be sure that he will also fall in love with me? I am afraid my feelings for him won’t be reciprocated. Marc, could you help me please? — Princess

Hmm, well hit me over the head and call me mister obvious, but I think if a guy says "I like you, and I’d like to get to know you more," he might actually mean that he likes you, and would like to get to know you more. (Is there an echo in here?...ere?...ere?) We’re often fairly simple and straightforward creatures, and as far as communication goes, try and keep things direct and to the point (apart from some amazing exceptions who seem to have graduated with a BA in B.S. — more on them later). Try not to read too much into what a guy says, as the more you examine it, the further you’re likely to get from the meaning. So, if he says he likes you, don’t take that as a sign to start picking out baby carriages and canapés for the wedding reception.

2) "My inner self is slowly drawing itself to you." Well, it would really depend on the guy’s track record. He could be some lovesick fool with a penchant for deep introspective thoughts and feelings. Alternatively, he could also be a bolero of epic proportions (he’d have to be to be able to say that and still keep a straight face if he doesn’t mean it.). How long have you guys known each other? If he says it too soon, then be careful, it’s pretty rare for a guy to admit something like that so fast. He may be playing you. However if you’ve known him for a while and have a good idea of the kind of person he is, then there is a chance that he’s sincere.

3) Calling you regularly. Guys are generally not big on telebabad phone hogging. The exception to this rule is if they’re chatting up a girl. For instance, if a guy is out with his friends, and a gets a phone call, he’ll usually answer it, say what needs to be said and then hang up. However, if he answers the phone, and then excuses himself from the group to go and talk in private for a long time (for a guy, anything over a minute and a half on the phone is a long time), then he’ll be subjected to questions like "OK, what’s her name?" when he gets back. This is because we all know that apart from his mother, only a girl could cause a guy to talk in private.

So, him calling you a lot is a pretty good sign that he likes you (unless of course he’s calling to ask about one of your girlfriends... or even worse, one of your boyfriends). The fact that he’s spending a lot of time and effort getting to know you better suggests that he is considering something serious in the future. Basically I’d say that this guy is doing the smart thing of getting to know you as well as possible before leaping into anything too serious. You should follow his lead and do the same thing. Don’t be in too much of a rush to formalize everything and make it rock solid ball-and-chain serious straight away. Try just taking it step by step, feeling ahead to make sure neither of you are going to step into something messy you’re not ready for (the courtship doggy doo of not looking before leaping).

There is never a sure way of knowing if something is going to work out or if someone is as serious as they say they are. The best thing to do if you’re really worried is just take it slow. Life is full of little risks which sometimes end in heartache, but if you don’t take them at all, then you’re assured of a very boring and lonely life. Better to play in the garden of life than be locked up in the treehouse of solitude. Just watch out for the dog poop.

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