Can't buy me love

Marc,

I have a problem and I hope you can help me with this one. I’m a 17-year-old college student and I never had a girlfriend. I really like to have one but something is holding me back. Money. I lose all my confidence because we’re not that rich. I’ve been telling myself to finish my studies and find a job first before getting into a relationship. But I don’t think I can wait that long. Plus, I’ve met this girl a couple of months ago and I think that I have fallen for her.

What should I do? I’m sick of keeping my feelings all bottled up.

God bless and more power to your column! — Tyron

Tyron, Tyron, Tyron… Have no fear! Strange as it may seem to you, relationships are not reserved only for the rich. If that was the case, I daresay we would have an extremely low population growth. While it’s understandable that you are concerned over money issues (I think everyone is at one stage or another in their lives, particularly when you haven’t started working yet), don’t let that be the only reason keeping you from forming a relationship.

Believe it or not, there is more to a person than merely money, and strangely enough, women realize this. Contrary to the opinions of a narrow-minded (and hopefully small) part of the population, couples can get together and survive a relationship on very little of the paper stuff if need be. That is not to say that they won’t have any other problems in the relationship, or even a little bit of hardship due to their lack of cash. The important thing to remember is being honest with each other and sacrificing some things that many take for granted.

Personally, I sometimes think a couple should start out being a little low on cash. There’s often too much of a façade during the courting stage where the guy tries to impress the girl with money in the form of chocolates, expensive dinners, flowers etc. Don’t get me wrong, these are all good things and a girl loves to receive them, but in the end, it should not be the price of the gift that gets noticed, but rather the effort of giving it. In other words, you shouldn’t have to spend a lot of money to impress a girl, as long as you show her that you have put a lot of thought and hard work into what you do get or do for her.

I remember being so broke in college, that my girlfriend and I had to put our money together so we could afford to buy a 35 cent (about P8) ice cream. Even more recently, I still have fond memories of riding the bus from Makati to Farmers Market in Cubao because I couldn’t afford a taxi fare. Buying a bunch of flowers there early in the morning for P20 to P30, and then walking the next kilometer or two to visit my girlfriend at the time. If we were hungry, we would buy some barbeque on the street and share it with a couple of cups of rice. Dinner for two at P25 per head. A night on the town was visiting the old fort in Manila, or having taho at Luneta. And you know what? After all those years of progressing up the financial scale and affording more expensive gifts and better restaurants, even after we broke up… she still tells me that her most treasured gift is the Photo Diary I made of our relationship for her on our anniversary one year. Just some bits of cardboard, glue, pictures and writing that financially cost less than a dozen roses. But it was a labour of time, effort, and above all, love that made it into something that was priceless to her.

So my advice to you is, go for it. Just remember though, it takes a special kind of girl to accept you for who you are, limited financial means and all. Hopefully the girl you like is one of those. Do not however use this as an excuse to get lazy. Rather, you should be inspired to work hard at school, and maybe even get a part time job (I bartended my way through University) so that you can maybe surprise her and get her a nice little something each month. Trust me, if she’s worth your love, then she will appreciate these gifts (no matter how small) all the more because she will know how hard you’ve worked for them. Not only that, but it will take some burden off your parents, and help prepare you for joining the fulltime workforce after your studies.

Now if you’ll excuse me, all this reminiscing has gotten me hungry. I think I’ll wander down to the barbeque seller on my old street and taste some inexpensive yet thoroughly wonderful memories. — Marc

Hook That Hunk

Dearest Marc,
I have a classmate named Carlo and everybody in school considers him a "hunk" because of his great looks and body. Actually he’s a ramp model that’s why he appears like that. In fact every girl in school goes crazy over him. I really want to be his friend not because he’s popular in school but because I’m really interested to know him more. How should I start?
Thanks a lot! — C.

Are you sure you’re being completely honest with your intentions here? Call me a skeptic, but I have a sneaking suspicion that your interest in getting to know this Carlo might have a little something to do with his looks no matter how much you deny it. There is no shame in this, but I think you might need to step back and look at your feelings objectively. Why else would you be so interested in getting to know this person, when I am sure there are many other guys at your school who would be just as interesting to talk to, but probably aren’t as good looking as he is. Are you equally curious to get to know them as well?

That being said, if you truly do just want to be his friend, then you should have very little problem. It’s the same as making friends with anyone else really, except that he may be a little bit wary of new people befriending him as he might think it’s because they like him. I’m not saying that he’s mayabang (I certainly hope he isn’t! If he is then he’s not worth knowing), but if what you say about him is true, he may have experienced a lot of "crush friendships" in the past. These can be flattering for him, but also difficult, as he would need to keep a certain amount of distance from these girls so that he doesn’t lead them on etc.

I think most healthy guys should have at least one or two female friends on a purely platonic (non-romantic) level, and vice versa for that matter. Contrary to what some guys might brag, we don’t know everything about the opposite sex, and it’s nice to have some female input and advice from time to time. Not only about girls, but other topics as well. Well, ok, probably mainly about girls. Our guy friends can often distill their pearls of wisdom on this subject to "Does she have any cute friends for me?" A very important question from our buddy’s point of view, but highly unlikely to help us with any questions we might have. That’s why it’s nice to ask a female friend those important questions like "should I take her to a boxing match on our first date" or "Would bringing her parents a six pack and box of smokes make them like me more?" (For all you guys out there, the answer to both questions is no, unless you have a real masochistic streak in you).

So, we know guys sometimes like, or even need a good friend of the female persuasion. I daresay this is true for Carlo as well. So if you do really just want to be his friend, be prepared for having him talk to you about girls, or maybe even asking you to introduce him to some. Are you sure that would be ok with you? Platonic friendship has very little room for jealousy.

If this is all cool, then by all means go up to him and chat. If you have a mutual friend, maybe you can ask them to introduce you. That way it’s a lot less threatening to him if he knows you as so-and-so’s friend. Also it’s kind of an endorsement on your friend’s part that you aren’t a psycho stalker, and can be trusted. From then on, just be nice, but not too nice. Basically treat him as you would any other friend, and let things develop from there. Remember, however, nobody is perfect and some people just don’t bond with each other. If this is the case with you and Carlo, don’t force the issue. There are plenty of interesting people out there. Hopefully you can give them a chance to be your friend too. — Marc

Wearing Thin

Marc,
How did you get so good at writing? Because you write like a pro — clear-cut, succinct, direct. Things I always emphasize to mystudents when they write. I’m 27. I’m 5’8" and I weigh 115 lbs. I’m too lazy to eat. I neither have the appetite nor the interest to eat, but I want to look plump. How do I do that? Please don’t recommend the gym. I don’t want to be seen with those muscled creatures. They only make me feel twice smaller than I already am. But I’m willing to do drugs — I mean vitamins. Do you have anything in mind? Salamat. — Richard

Can I just say, that I get all sorts of questions sent in to me, but this is certainly one of the most bizarre requests I’ve had so far. A guy who actually wants to get chubby! I can understand wanting to put on weight (I used to be skinny too), but yours is the first request I’ve had for advice on how to get "plump."

I guess we all have our reasons, and now that I think of it, I remember reading in a certain men’s magazine last month that one of their featured females mentioned liking plump men. I don’t suppose this would have anything to do with it? (Doing things for a girl explains away so much of our erratic behavior. Convenient, huh?). Whatever the reason, your request is easily answered in these 3 simple steps:

1. Eat.
2. Eat some more.
3. Repeat steps 1 to 3 until desired plumpness is achieved.

You say that you don’t have time to eat, and I sometimes find that this is true for my busy schedule as well, but always make sure that you get some breakfast before heading out for the day. Also, eating more doesn’t mean eating badly. You may think that in order to pack on the pounds you need to eat all fatty and fried foods. This will indeed put on weight, but it is an extremely unhealthy way of doing it. Not only will you be gaining weight, but also cholesterol, acne and all sorts of negative effects. This is something that no one should want.

As for your appetite, maybe you just haven’t been exposed to the type of food your taste buds like. Try out different styles of cuisine. Have you had Thai, Korean, Italian, German, Middle Eastern, French or Japanese? They are all excellent in their own right, but different at the same time. Be a bit experimental, and if you find one you like, learn how to prepare it (restaurants can sometimes get a bit pricey if you eat there every day).

While experimenting with food is a good thing, experimenting with drugs is not. Don’t even go there. Besides which, I’ve heard of many appetite suppressers, but none for gaining weight. As for vitamins, you should take some every day as matter of course n matter what your body type. At least a multivitamin to give your body some of the nutrients missing from an everyday diet.

Now, is there any way I can convince you to perhaps do some exercise? Just because you want to put on some weight doesn’t mean you should become flabby and unhealthy. It also doesn’t mean you have to hit the gym and become a Swarzenegger. Most people who write to me about their physique want to lose fat and become more cut. For them I recommend a lot of Cardio, some weights, a high protein and low carb diet. For you however, seeing as you don’t have any desire to look like that, can indulge in a lot more carbs (rice, pasta, breads, root vegetables), and however much protein as well. You should still get some exercise though, even if it’s not for your outer physical appearance that much, but rather your internal health.

Maybe do some low impact exercise like walking, or some weights at home etc. You’ll find that not only will it keep your body running well, but you’ll have more energy and feel a lot better too. One last thing. You’re 27 years old now, and probably think you’re going to physically stay the way you are (slim) forever. This is not always the case. I’ve spoken to friends in their late 30’s who have told me very similar stories. They were slim and in great shape until they hit their early 30’s. Then their metabolism decided to slow down… a lot! Guys who never had to think about what they ate or how much, suddenly started getting a lot heavier, fast. They now go to the gym a lot more and are very careful about their diet. Apparently it’s quite difficult to get into this habit if you’re used to gorging yourself and not doing any exercise at all.

So be warned, you may want to pack on the pounds now and get plump, but be careful what you wish for. There is such a thing as overdoing it, and it’s a lot harder to lose those unwanted pounds than it was to gain them.

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