Daddy’s 10 commandments for suitors

On the brink of promulgating a feminist fatwa against past, present and future male chauvinist pigs, the lady magistrate of the Court was relieved to receive by way of e-mail, an insightful message coming from Argee’s quarry — whose doting father could have leaked the universally proposed Ten Commandments intended to govern the conduct of mischief-oriented males who constantly prey on clueless felines — clueless felines who happen to have clever daddies.

Honey felt some measure of safety and security in such words of wisdom and vowed to act as an ardent advocate of the following Daddy’s Rules to apply to all his daughter’s suitors — especially Argee:

Rule 1

If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

Rule 2

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter’s body, I will remove them with my buck knife.

Rule 3

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist. Fair enough?

Rule 4

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule 5

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule 6

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry. If you break her heart, I will have yours to go with my lugaw breakfast.

Rule 7

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than the length of red tape in our government. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful, like throw the garbage, say, in the proposed landfill in Morong, Rizal?

Rule 8

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka-zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay. PBA finals games are okay. Old folks’ homes are better.

Rule 9

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and a secret burial plot near the banks of the Pasig River.

Rule 10

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a Chinook helicopter crashing into the Bohol Sea. When I think about you with my daughter, I begin to relate with the Talibans and the voices in my head frequently tell me to sharpen my itak and to imagine how it is to be a member of the Abu Sayyaf. These, while I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password — "kumain lang po kami sa Jollibee" — and announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car — there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.