The Boys’ Locker Room

A popular advertisement claims that life is a sport. For us, guys, we feel the same is true about relationships with the opposite sex. We face our opponent everyday on the playing field. Unfortunately, we know very little of our adversaries. Their manner of playing often stumps us. So the team regroups in the locker room between quarters, where we put our heads to together to come up with a game plan.

Sure enough, when it comes to strategizing, there are those who just want to hit the ball out of the park, run a touchdown around the tight end, or drive a hole-in-one. But not all of us want to throw jabs below the belt – there are some that punch fair.

On being single…

Women baffle us. That is why most of us would rather stay free agents and play the market than sign on to an indefinite contract that is all gobbledygook and fine print. Plus there isn’t anything more appealing to a guy than being a roaming ronin warrior, having no master who whines and nags and asks us to buy tampons for them. Men value freedom and being in a relationship means giving up that one thing that means so much to us.

On dating…

What ‘s the difference between a bitch and a ho? A ho will go out with anyone, a bitch will go out with anyone—but you. Needless to say, this buddy of mine goes on very little dates.

But when the poor sap get s lucky with some unsuspecting prey, we go to the locker room, to the dry erase board, and come up with a play. So for just one night he has to brush his teeth, comb his hair, wear clean underwear, and be on his best behavior. He’s got to go Emily Post on her – open doors and pull out chairs and keep his flatulence in. And after the date, he can go back to being Arg, the Neanderthal Man.

Yes, I know it’s a façade. But consider this question: why do we do all this? We do have some clearly defined objectives before we go out on that first date. And we’d do anything – even if it’s being someone we’re not – to achieve those objectives. For some, this objective is the horizontal hokey-pokey. But for others, it’s to get our dates to like us enough so that she’ll go out with us again… because we actually feel a little tingling something in our chest. Because when we think about her, it makes us smile. Now, isn’t that genuinely sweet of us?