Dear parents, heed our advice

One night, as my folks quietly crept into the house after dinner (I saw them anyway) a peculiar thought hit me: What kind of a parent would I be?

I tried to make up scenes in my mind as to what my relationship with my children would be. I pictured how I’d raise each kid (if I end up having more than one, that is). Funny how it scared me to think of this. I guess it’s the thought that people’s lives will one day actually depend on me. Undoubtedly, I know it would be a very huge and tedious task to raise children.

Back to our story. My parents continued to tiptoe past a room where my nephew slept, fearing he would wake. You see, my parents go incredibly gaga over my little nephew (who’s only over a year old but already as big as a three-year-old). Since my sister and her family are based in Singapore, rarely do we see this not-so-little fellow, Rafael.

Despite the tiptoeing, Rafael was roused from his slumber and refused to go back to sleep. Being the caring grandparents that they are, my parents played with him until he was ready to sleep again. I was amazed at the patience my parents showed in handling him. No matter how much he whined and wriggled from their arms, they calmly took hold of him.

I wondered then if they took care of me as much as they do Rafael. Of course, it was an odd thought to have for, after all, I am their daughter.

Yet I wondered if, as a toddler, they let me run or walk or just confined me in my crib — afraid of probably everything that can be feared. It’s safe to say that I was a very sheltered and shielded child — and still am. This becomes a point of contention for my parents and I. Sometimes, a child will really want to try things on his own — especially if he is all grown up (or even a teenager). That, for me, is when the problem really starts. More often than not, the teener will really yearn to explore things and experiences on his own.

As I thought this, my phone rang. One of my closest friends called up. She was lamenting about how her parents do not really understand her... blah, blah, blah. I understood her and agreed with some very sensible things she told me. I also saw myself in her at some point in our conversation. Ironically, I thought that no matter how grave the problem is with your parents, you cannot simply talk to them about it. Initially, it is your friends or other siblings you turn to.

I asked friends about what they think parents ought to know about raising teenagers.

If you could give your parents advice on how to raise you, what would it be?

Parents have a way of questioning (or interrogating) when it comes to our gimmicks. Please understand that teens always want to explore new things and ways to have fun while learning and building our own identity.

And as they say, all work and no play makes us dull boys and girls, losers and loners. One of my interviewees says that she wasn’t allowed to sleep over in her friend’s house "Kasi may sarili na silang bahay" according to her dad. We do not plan to move out of our house or anything. Just think of us having a breath of fresh air in other people’s homes. Admit it: breathing the same air in your home can also be suffocating.

Just because we are on the phone doesn’t mean we don’t study.

And we are not asking you to love our music, respecting our taste will be fine.

This is the new millennium. Your generation is not ours and ours is not yours, either. There are things that apply to you that do not apply to us anymore. And sometimes it doesn’t mean that if it was the way then, it is the right way now.

Our friends are vital. Parents should understand that. This calls for understanding. Don’t alienate the child from his friends; the more you do this, the more your child will drift further from you because he feels he isn’t understood.

No comparisons, please. We love our siblings, but we are not all the same. Please don’t conclude that all your kids will have the same fate (be it good or bad).

Not all of our problems are influenced by our friends. They are not responsible for them.

Let us be who we want to. Please let us be our own persons, even in little things such as dressing up. Accept and respect who we are and choose to be and not who you’d like us to be.

We are not you. We don’t really appreciate it when you force your dreams on us. We understand that you want the best for us, but we have our own dreams and goals, too. Please set aside your dreams for us and instead, help us attain our own goals.

Let us learn. For us to learn, at times, we have to make mistakes. Please allow us to face the consequences of our actions. Allow us to make our mistakes. We are not saying that you completely let us go. Subliminally guide us. We believe this will be helpful for us. If we’re too shielded we may not be able to face heavier problems and just breakdown. Think of it as making us stronger.

Never say anything uncomplimentary in the presence of other people.

Know when you’re being too much. Please be aware when what you’re asking for is just beyond our limit.

We grow up. As much as you undergo changes as you get older, we grow up, too. The changes we will undergo must be experienced for ourselves. Please don’t discourage us; support and guide us instead. We’re curious, we have to explore — it’s a quest for us to know ourselves better.

We’re not perfect. We make mistakes. Don’t think we can be perfect, we can’t.

Respect our privacy. We also have to keep things to ourselves. Admit it, you had things you couldn’t tell your folks back then, right? Let this be our chance. Please exaggerate in trying to know us better; we get freaked out; too. We know you want to know everything about us, but sometimes, that just cannot be possible. You raised us, and raised us well, just trust us.

Please do not be too makulit on the cell phone. We know our curfew, if we go home later than that without prior notice, scold us. But please don’t pester us by endlessly and consistently calling us while we’re out saying it’s time to go home. We understand your reasons, but everything in moderation, please. (Special request from the boys.)

We love you. It doesn’t mean that just because we spend tons of time with our friends that we love you less.

Be a friend. We know that you’ll say we’ll abuse it. Sometimes, we need friends in our parents, too. Remember how we said it was easier to talk to our friends about anything and everything? It will be so much easier to talk and spend time with you if we’re friends. We’re not saying that you shouldn’t be a parent. Just learn to hear us out and understand, not judge.

We are not being rebellious. If we try new things that are radical, it doesn’t mean we’re drug addicts and rebels already. It means we’re growing.

We need trust. Not all kids do stupid things. More often than not, we get the feeling that you abhor trusting us. You always say, we trust you, we just don’t trust the surroundings. Please trust us to know what’s wrong and what’s right. We know who we hang out with, and trust us that we’re not trashing all the things that you tell us.

It feels good to get things off your chest, doesn’t it? To the parents out there, please don’t shoot. Those came straight from your kids’ mouths. It is with utmost sincerity that I wish parents and their teens will get along more harmoniously after this. Who knows? Some of you might just keep this list and bring it out just when you and your very own teens argue about their music, clothes and decisions. Good luck, parents!