Seven million friends

My “seven million friends” is a hyperbolic reference my daughter coined while I was working around my schedule for possible get-togethers with friends in between the primary purpose for my homecoming.

For a Gen Z’er, it’s quite puzzling and unthinkable how I, who’s not on social media, could remain in touch with people I grew up with, have met while traveling domestically or while living elsewhere in the world. How could someone who’s geographically unsettled forge enduring friendships and reconnect with them easily?

Then as if in a paradoxical coincidence, The New York Times came up with the piece, “5 Ways to Make Friends (Without Joining a Book Club).” As a temporary resident of New York, where work-life balance and maintaining social connections remain a challenge, I empathize with the purpose and context of the article. The story is premised on the idea that we human beings naturally “crave more friendship and community,” a fundamental element to our survival and well-being. I also look at the story as a timely response to one of the alarming ills currently plaguing American society: isolation and loneliness. It has reached a disconcerting level (it directly impacts on the mental health of many Americans across all ages), the US Surgeon General issued a warning on how the malady could be damaging, if not addressed with urgency.

By interviewing a “friendship coach” (a term that’s quite frankly Greek to me) and other experts, the author came up with five workable strategies to make friends. Among the five, two stand out for me: the first is to begin with an exercise while the second is to “get closer to your neighbors.” The former does not refer to a physical activity, but to a practice in self-reflection of what presently defines us. If I were to follow the author’s advice, my exercise would start by recognizing, “I am a wanderer” who, by force of circumstances, moves from one place to another with my family. Understanding who we are and our current realities, the NYT article claims, could help us gravitate towards friend groups who share the same values and experiences as ours.

Considering the nature of neighborhoods (predominantly buildings) in multi-ethnic New York, I appreciate the author’s advice to establish closer relations with neighbors. We have lived in the same building for more than a year and a half now, yet of the six doors on our apartment floor, I only know the names of two of our neighbors. It is something I am not particularly happy or proud about, and like anybody else, I only connect with my neighbors through the all too common greetings of “hi, hello,” or “have a good one.” I am wary that initiating a little chat might be deemed as nosiness or an intrusion to one’s privacy.

Coming home and realizing how small talks with neighbors or get-togethers with relatives and friends could spontaneously happen irrespective of the time or day of the week, I could clearly feel the difference. In my hometown especially, such gatherings occur so naturally, like when I crossed the street one day to visit and spend a good amount of time with a childhood friend who’s battling with a life threatening ailment. Recalling our childhood days and exchanging banter hopefully helped release some happy hormones and made my friend feel better that day. In situations like this, no amount of virtual communication could compensate for the joy of face-to-face interaction. Perhaps this is one of the answers to my daughter’s nagging questions on how I manage to keep life-long friendships.

“Nurture your friendships everyday,” echoes a great lesson from a Japanese centenarian in the book “Ikigai, The Japanese Secret to a Long and Happy Life.” The interviewee says that “getting together with my friends is my most important ikigai (or sense of purpose).” She adds that getting together (with her friends), talking and knowing that “they will see each other again tomorrow” is one of her “favorite things in life.”

I may not have the luxury and certainty of the Japanese centenarian who meets her friends everyday, but when it comes to cherishing friendships from afar, a messaging app and email work well for me. I am grateful for group chats that connect me to my diverse group of friends where our conversations remain candid, warm, funny and mostly contained. Despite the physical distance, I know for sure that I would make time to host friends who visit us at our foreign post or see them when it’s my turn to come home.

When such reunions happen, food is at the center of the conversation. This reminds me of a feature story I read about a cozy Asian restaurant in Paris. At the height of the Olympic games, the restaurant, adjacent to the venue for the table tennis competitions, has become a famous meeting place not only for Chinese athletes and fans but for most Asian spectators craving for rice meals and delicacies. The writer observed how “friendships have blossomed spontaneously among customers through conversations about food and their preferred athletes.” The story simply validates what I have over the years believed about food: that it builds friendships and eventually binds friends. These days, my conversations with friends still center on food but in ways that are cautionary. Indulging in a decadent dessert almost always comes with a warmhearted reminder on how it could elevate one’s blood sugar. Would we rather opt for a scoop of sugar-free ice cream or divide a slice of cake into four?

In actual numbers, my “seven million friends” are perhaps just over 50. Yet they are the most genuine ones. Like the Japanese centenarian’s ikigai, these friends are my “moai – an informal group of people with common interests who look out for one another.” They are the ones with whom I am unpretentiously connected with – for life.