Unblogged

Guideline on talking about the finals

June 6, 2011 | 11:13am

For basketball fans everywhere, it is almost imperative that you talk about the NBA finals. After those two awesome games, it's tough not to. Whether it's Miami being able to pull off a great defensive performance in the first game, Dallas mounting a great comeback in Game 2, or Miami's early and premature celebration in the same game, one can never run out of things to talk about in this series.

But be careful people. Be really careful. There are things that you might say that could either build up your reputation as truly "basketball genius" or break it off altogether. And knowing how Filipino basketball fans really take pride on this basketball thing, it's just necessary to pick the right words when talking about the NBA finals.

That's why I've decided to write a guideline on what to say, do and what not to say or do when the said issue is on the discussion table. Here it goes:

Never refer brand yourself as an "expert" when you're talking about these things. It will only make you sound like a meathead and chances are, you really aren't one.
Never refer to yourself as a "basketball analyst" when your main credentials are being able to write for your school paper and maintain a blog with the word "Hoops" or "Swish" on the title or at the URL.
Should you refer to yourself as an analyst or an expert then you better make sure that you know every member remaining on their respective teams when they met in the 2006 NBA finals, but here's the catch: you can never use Google.
Asking someone for a play-by-play through text is absolutely necessary when you're caught up at work or at school. However asking someone to do play-by-play through text just to impress a lady or a man-crush who's not interested in the NBA finals or whatsoever is absolutely unacceptable.
Every time someone talks about Peja Stojakovic, always bring up the Peja-heads that the people in New Orleans used to show each time he hits a three pointer. It will make you look totally awesome.
Never refer to Jason Kidd as “old.” He's a veteran. "Old" is usually reserved for people who has few or absolutely zero roles on their team. See Derek Fisher or Antonio McDyess.
Talking to your friends on how awesome the game was when you've watched it through replay is absolutely unacceptable. Because chances are: 1) Your friends knew that you already knew the result way before you watched it in replay and thus leading them to believe that you're an absolute liar; and 2) Well, you're probably lying anyway.
LeBron James, Dirk Nowitzki and Dwyane Wade are naturally good. Never exaggerate things.
Never ever talk about the Lakers during the NBA finals. It will make you sound like a bitter LA fanboy.
Never ever talk about the Cavs during the NBA finals. It will make you sound like a bitter LeBron hater.
Unless Dirk actually leads his team to a championship, never refer to him as "Clutch"
Asking a lady who she's rooting for then saying that you're rooting for the other team is a nice way to start a conversation, especially if you can justify why the other team will absolutely own her team in the NBA finals.
Never brag about having to skip school to catch the NBA finals live. It will not make you look like an "expert" but rather, you would sound like a 13-year-old high school kid with tantrums issues.
Never ever say the series is over unless it is actually over. Chances are, the losing team will bounce back better in the next game.
Saying "I already anticipated a comeback/blowout" is equivalent to that was totally unexpected.
Never ever compare Dirk Nowitzki to Larry Bird. Never.
Never ever use the term Jordan-esque every time LeBron, Dwyane Wade or God forbid, Jason Terry delivers an awesome game.
Practice pronouncing "Beaubois" at home.
It is totally accepted to jump around, throw high fives, shout, curse and do all those stupid things when all the other people watching are doing too. If not, keep quiet and just enjoy the game.
If your team loses a game, never ever be affected.
Unless Tyson Chandler actually figures out another way to score other than a dunk or a putback, never ever refer to him as an “elite NBA big man.”
It is totally accepted to call Chris Bosh a Raptor even though he's now playing for the Heat. Look at him, just look at him.
Never talk about how you've appreciated Team X's defense when you actually don't know how to distinguish a zone from a man-to-man.
Never talk about how you've appreciated Team Y's ball rotation especially when all of their plays result into kick-out threes.
Jason Kidd is a point guard. Mario Chalmers is not.
For goodness' sakes, pronounce "Spoelstra" correctly.
Never ever imitate Marc Jackson's "Mama, there goes that man" catchphrase when you're not actually black.
If you're an expert on things and you want to analyze how the game went, put it into writing. Chances are, no one wants to listen to your "royal ramblings" anyway.
Getting into a fight because your team lost doesn't make you a die-hard fan or a tough guy. It makes you mentally retarded.
And if any of the people you've actually talked to about the NBA finals breaks an item on the guideline that I've written, tell him or her to shut up, look for an Internet hub and read Philstar's Unblogged post about the guidelines on the NBA Finals. You'll look cooler, it will add traffic to this site and you won't ever have to listen to his or her crappy analysis ever.