Spies R Us

There are spies amongst us? How thrilling. I’ve always wanted to be a spy. A double agent, even. Now, what could these supposed spies possibly want to spy on?

The crucifixion of Bamban Mayor Alice Guo is continuing, and yet again, more revelations have been, well, revealed. Thailand has captured a wanted criminal named She Zhijiang. Mr. She is supposedly wanted by Beijing for running online gambling operations --illegal in China, but (until very recently) perfectly legal in the Philippines.

In an Al-Jazeera documentary, Mr. She was quoted as saying that he was recruited in the Philippines as a spy for China. Not content with hanging himself, he also proceeded to implicate other bystanders, namely our star witness on the incriminate-yourself stand, Alice Guo. Mr. She claims that both She and she were spies for China's Ministry of State Security, the main agency overseeing foreign intelligence.

Mayor Alice is the gift that gives on gifting. Or grifting, depending on how you look at her. Imagine that --spying for China? But wait. Who was she spying on, and for what purpose? Who did she sleep with to get the intel? I ask this salacious question not because I want to drag her name in thick, earthy, pure Philippine mud, or to impugn her heretofore spotless character. I ask only because that’s the romantic notion we have of spies, sexy alluring nymphettes trained to seduce powerful targets.

Were She and she spying on the Duterte administration? Who, in particular? Him, Digong himself? His wonderfully contrary family? The circle of sycophants who called themselves his friends? The politicians who stuck to him like flies, out to curry political favor or gain economic advantage?

And what kind of valuable information were they able to gather? The sleeping pattern of the president, like naptimes and such under the mosquito net? Very important in case China launches a nuclear attack on the Philippines --it wouldn’t want him alert and able to mount an effective counter-attack, right?

Duterte’s favorite food, so China would know what poison to mix and then administer? Not likely that China would poison Duterte though, as that would mean the ascension of Vice President Leni Robredo. Or perhaps, his candy of choice, the better to keep him pliable (White Rabbit, anyone?).

But these are facetious speculations. Let’s be more serious. I bet China wanted to know Digong’s thoughts on important policy matters, because it knows Duterte thinks very deeply about serious economic and foreign issues. Like tax treaties? Investment incentives? Dumping and tariffs?

Nah. Scratch that thought.

Perhaps, it was something close to China’s heart, such as Duterte’s ruminations on opening up the country to Chinese investments? From glee as to his initial receptiveness, China’s reaction must have turned to horror the moment POGOs run by triads and criminals mushroomed in the capital and everywhere else.

Was it to influence the government’s decision on the COVID-19 vaccine of choice during the height of the epidemic? Was it to permit (or turn a blind eye to) the furtive construction of even more buildings and airports on our atolls at the West Philippine Sea?

But why would China even need spies? We are such a country of gossips, where everyone is buzzing with juicy stories to share. And if there are no factual stories, why then, made-up alternative facts are conjured just for kicks. No secrets are kept here --even drivers having affairs with their senator-employers are discovered, videotaped, and circulated.

China wouldn’t even need to pay informants --there is no shortage of eager tattletales in Malacañang. We love to talk! Those in the political arena are just salivating to share the scoop on their opponents. And even if the targets are not dirty, their enemies will just manufacture evidence against them. Again, we make sad reference to Senator Leila de Lima, the alleged protector of drug rings or some such cockamamie. What’s the point of getting real dirt when fake dirt works just as well?

Definitely, there is no need for Chinese spies in this country. The Filipino spies are perfectly adequate. And useless. Everyone knows the politicians are dirty, anyway. All that the spies will dig up will be mere confirmation of the truth.

But who needs truth. In politics, it’s the story one spins that prevails. Right, Alice?