Alice in Bambanland

Who is Alice Leal Guo?

It has been weeks and weeks of breathless coverage, and we are no closer to getting the truth about the identity and origin of Mayor Alice of Bamban. Notwithstanding Senate hearings and multiple snoops and snitches, official and informal, the documents flow looks like it is drying up, and the investigators are coming up short.

The idea of establishing genetic identity just withered, with the news that her purported parents have managed to travel out of the country. Really, Bureau of Immigration and various investigators? You never thought to seek a Hold Departure Order at the outset when all this brouhaha came out about who her real parents are and whether she is a Filipina national qualified to own land and whether she has violated Anti-Dummy laws by acquiring land? So much for the proposed DNA test.

What about the supposed half-brother and -sister though? The one Mayor Alice forgot she had, and whose existence she denied? Then, upon confrontation with the documents, she remembered? Could Mayor Alice be tested versus their genes? After all, they supposedly share the same father. If she is a hundred percent DNA-related to them --that makes her a foreigner?

I always say, follow the money. But this idea is, apparently, a dead end too. Senator Gatchalian has just announced that the Anti-Money-Laundering Council is unable to trace the flow of funds into the country. The massive inflow of funds necessary to buy the land and construct the buildings (shopping mall, swimming pool, etc.) weren’t reported by the banks to the AMLC. How odd, to say the least.

The mayor has been preventively suspended by the ombudsman. However, she has appealed. What benefit does retaining her position and being able to execute her mayoralty functions give to her? Why is that so important to her? So she can continue authorizing the disbursement of funds for public purposes? I’m a member of the pubic, mayor?

Where next? The Bureau of Internal Revenue has stepped up to see whether Mayor Alice has evaded taxes. Given the Statement of Assets, Liabilities and Net Worth filed when she first became a public official, it should be easy to extrapolate against tax filings to see whether her income stream supported her declared (and current) asset base.

All those assets (real estate, chopper, and luxe car) she supposedly owned, and then sold at the most convenient of times, can be factored in by the BIR as well. She should have filed capital gains tax returns for the sale of land and buildings. She should have declared the asset value or the sale price (and even more importantly for the gossipmonger, the identity of the buyer). So the question is, were these documents filed, and what do they say?

Alice has led us on to a merry chase, and as we stumble along the many rabbit holes pocketing her story, we are continually entertained with bouts of vertigo and hilarity in unhealthy combinations. Personally, I have started constructing my own entirely fictional account of the mysterious origins of Alice.

My favorite fantasy theory is sourced from fairy stories. Like a fairy changeling, someone has kidnapped the real Alice Guo, and this woman is a magical substitute. That is why she “forgot” she had siblings, why she says she grew up in a farm where she was home-schooled, and why, with a magic wand, she has riches beyond the capacity of tax forms to encompass.

That is probably also why pots of gold have been popping all over Bamban, showering its residents with jobs. Slave labor from all over the region (Malaysia! Vietnam! And yes, China!) have been bequeathed opportunities to be gainfully employed in scam farms. Who knows, they might even have found love hiding in the Tinder app if not for the interference of this pesky government.

The real Alice is held prisoner somewhere. A search and rescue team has to be convened. Either that, or she has to reveal herself from where she is hiding. Will the real Alice please stand up? For that matter, will teacher Rubilyn please identify herself?