To ace the test to prove one is a Filipino, apparently, one needs to like local showbiz.
At least, that’s what the Department of Foreign Affairs (DFA) thinks. Assistant Secretary Adelio Cruz of the Office of the Consular Affairs proclaims that his government unit is “thinking outside the box” whenever confronted by an application for passports. To weed out the impostors, the DFA poses a series of local showbiz questions that, supposedly, only Filipinos would know.
Sample questions reported by the press included “What are Andrew E’s songs?” “What’s your favorite Ariel Rivera song?” “Who is the Star for All Seasons?”.
Gah! As a friend whom we shall hide under the name of B. Consunji said - “I don’t think I will pass the test!” Tough luck, girl. Apparently, by not imbibing all that the local show business industry has to offer, you’re not a Filipino. If you’re stuck in a foreign country because you lost your passport, you may not receive the legendary Filipino warmth and succour that our diplomats are renowned for (I’m being sarcastic).
To be honest, that goes for me too. I don’t know the answers to any of the questions above. I know who those singers are (Andrew E and Ariel Rivera), but their songs? Why would I know them? I was buried in Law books and a career when they were building their purported status as “must-know-for-every-Pinoy”. My answer to the last question would be a guess --Alma Moreno? Google says I am wrong.
What gives, DFA? This is outside the box? What’s going to happen to Pinoys not exactly fans of local noontime variety shows? What about those who like highbrow auteur films? Or quirky columns from Jessica Zafra and Margie Holmes that left one in stitches? Or, perhaps, those like me who preferred dance groups like Adrenaline and Whiplash? Ha --that’s my own bit of trivia for you, DFA!
Perhaps, DFA, you can offer differing sets of questions dependent on your profiling of the applicant. Does applicant seem like the snarky, too-cool-for-you type? Does applicant prefer history books over Tiktok videos? Or does applicant seem like he or she prefers to watch Thai Boys Love series over teleseryes? Angling for a reprieve here.
What if applicant preferred to read columnists from The FREEMAN rather than listening to stupid rap songs? What if the kindergarten rhymes she learned were all “Bahay Kubo” and “Leron Leron Sinta” rather than “Humanap ka ng Pangit”? What if she knew the names of all the ancestral families in Parian rather than the coined monikers for sexy starlets (Softdrink Beauties, anyone)?
By thinking of the gamut of applicants before your counters, perhaps certain categories can be identified, and special questions developed for those categories. Like, there would be a special set of questions for young, bubbly types steeped in viral videos and influencers. “What filters for Instagram were developed by Filipino artists?” “Which vlogger did that stupid stunt which landed him in the hospital?” “Which influencer stopped traffic in Italy for her photo shoot?”
Then there could be the set of questions for the highly political. “Who does the ‘dilaw’ movement or faction supposedly represent?” “Who was the personality (may he rest in peace) who coined the term ‘dutertard’?” “Which senator began his career taking selfies with foreign dignitaries?”
Of course, there are questions for irritable, middle-aged fogies. Like “Who do you know in the DFA that you could threaten to report me to?” “Which politician did you go to school with and then funded the campaign for?” My favorite but it-will-never-happen question: “How long will it take before your patience is tested?”
The threat faced by the DFA, it seems, are mainland Chinese impostors who manage to get original birth certificates from another government agency, the National Statistics Authority. One even pretended to be mute, and so the DFA consul, who happened to know sign language, smoked him out by asking questions with the appropriate hand signs. I’m very curious to know what the hand signals are for “Who is the love team partner of Ate Guy?”.
Congratulations, DFA. You have successfully developed a system for weeding out Chinese impostors, and admitting baduy Pinoys. Would it be too much to ask if you could expand the repertoire to admit slightly snooty, overcritical citizens?