The rise of cohabitation over marriage: Love without vows

CEBU, Philippines — In a country where marriage—deeply embedded in religion and tradition—has long been regarded as the foundation of a committed relationship, a significant shift is taking place.

A study conducted by the Commission on Population and Development (CPD), titled “Unearthing Perspectives in Nuptiality and Cohabitation: A Critical Discourse Analysis of Narratives of Women Aged 20-29 in Selected Urban and Rural Areas in the Philippines,” revealed that more and more Filipino couples are choosing live-in arrangements over marriage.

The percentage of Filipino women aged 15 to 49 who cohabit with their partners outside of marriage has significantly increased. In 1994, only five percent of women were in live-in arrangements, but by 2022, this figure had risen to 19 percent.

Bringing the trend regionally, the shift in relationship preferences was also mirrored in Central Visayas, according to the Philippine Statistics Authority (PSA-7).

PSA-7 registration officer IV Hera Juarez reported that the total number of live-in partners in the region jumped from 493,260 in 2015 to 996,523 in 2020, reflecting a significant rise over five years.

Breaking it down by gender, in 2015, there were 244,371 males and 248,889 females in common-law unions. By 2020, these figures had nearly doubled, with 496,771 males and 499,752 females recorded in such relationships.

“More people are choosing to remain unmarried or are delaying their marriage. This means that people are wise enough not to marry early,” said Juarez.

Cohabitation

The Freeman interviewed two Cebuano couples who chose cohabitation over marriage. Both expressed that living together allowed them to better understand and connect with each other.

For Hanna, 23, and Franz, 27, who have been living together in Danao City, Cebu, for two years, sharing the same roof serves as a way to strengthen their relationship before committing to marriage.

“(We chose to cohabitate) para mas maila ang tagsa-tagsa na batasan para maka-build og strong foundation para sa among relasyon,” said Hanna.

The couple, who have one child, also shared that their relationship has improved significantly since living together.

“Mas nindot among panag-uban karon kay sauna uyab pa ug mag-away, dili dayun ma-solve ang problem. Karun nga nagpuyo na sa usa ka balay, mastoryahan ug masolve dayun, ura mismo,” she added.

Meanwhile, Kurt Allen Librero and Lyza Cal from Compostela, Cebu, started as a senior high school couple in 2019 and transitioned into common-law partners in 2021.

For them, the decision to live together was driven by their two children, both boys.

When asked about their plans for marriage, Librero said it has always been on their minds, yet financial constraints remain a hurdle.

“Yes, dugay nami gaplano nga magpakasal, bisag civil lang. Budget nalang gipaabot,” Librero shared.

Relating to the couples’ experiences, CPD’s study found that one of the main reasons couples cohabit before marriage is that living together is seen as the next step in a committed relationship while waiting for the right time to get married.

In an exclusive interview, psychologist and University of San Jose-Recoletos (USJR) professor Maryjun Delgado shared insights on this trend.

“We come from a culture na conservative. As much as possible, you save the marriage, keep it. However, young people are scared to be what we call ‘tied to marriage,’” said Delgado.

She further explained that many couples see cohabitation as an opportunity to understand each other deeply and test their ability to sustain a lifelong commitment.

On the other hand, the study also found that social media plays a role in shaping people’s perceptions of relationships and marriage.

This idea was supported by Delgado, who noted that exposure to various online content has highlighted the complexities of romantic relationships and the challenges of married life.

Other key reasons revealed in the study include viewing cohabitation as a step toward commitment, parental preference, financial practicality, and a way to prepare for unintended pregnancy.

For the two couples interviewed, financial challenges remain a major reality.

“Lisod gud siya sa tinuod lang, samot na naa nami baby. Ang daily needs sa baby ug daily needs namo, pero thankful kaayo mi sa among usa ka kapamilya kay motabang ug molantaw gihapon sa amoa,” said Hanna.

“Sa amoang kahimtang karon, lisod jud hilabi na duha na amoa bata, then ako ray naay work. But we still manage to survive, then naa rapod mga ginagmay nga income through pagpamaligya og mga hayop,” Librero also shared.

Delgado, however, argues that cohabitation should not be taken merely as a “trial and error” phase, stating that living together—regardless of a marriage contract—still entails exclusive commitment, and the consequences of separation can be just as painful as in a divorce.

She also expressed concern that the lack of formal commitment between parents may lead children to feel that they are not in a secure or stable environment.

In line with the Valentine’s Day celebration, the professor shared a message and reflection for couples—whether married or living together—and that is not to expect too much.

“We do not seek a perfect partner. We do not seek somebody who will eventually balance us. No. Relationships are always imbalanced and balanced,” said Delgado.

“Once you say, ‘I have chosen this person to live with, to be with when I wake up and when I sleep,’ then I choose to understand unsa iyang flaws and I choose to accept nga this is part of who I am also as his/her partner or wife/husband,” she added.

In a religious lens

As the trend of live-in arrangements before saying I do in front of the Church continues to rise, the Catholic Church remains steadfast in its teachings on the sanctity of marriage.

Fr. Jules Van Almerez, Media Liaison of the Basilica Minore del Sto. Niño, emphasized that while the Church sees this as a challenge, it continues to educate couples about the importance of sacramental marriage.

He reaffirmed that marriage is not merely a legal contract but a sacred vocation that requires careful discernment.

“Listen to your heart and mind whether the partner you are in a relationship with is a lifetime partner or not, and if you can see yourself with this person forever or not. And this discernment is possible even without cohabitation,” said Fr. Almerez.

He also highlighted that marriage does not have to be an expensive affair, and that the Church actively reminds couples that the sacrament is more about commitment than financial burdens.

As Valentine’s Day is celebrated today, Fr. Almerez urged couples to use the occasion as an opportunity for serious discussions about their future.

“Celebrate Valentine’s Day as a day of discernment and take it as a good chance to talk with your partner about your future plans. Celebrate responsibly, too, by respecting each other’s boundaries,” he noted. — ATO (CEBU NEWS)