Many of us don’t know how to refuse a request, even if we know it’s the right thing to do. And even if we know that there are better uses for our time and effort than yielding to a pointless request. We almost automatically say yes when approached to do a favor.
At times it is out of fear to be mistaken as not having the talent or skill to do the requested task. At other times we acquiesce to a request because it makes us feel important being asked. Either case, there’s probably nothing wrong with that.
This is the good side of our social nature. Our instinct for wanting to please others makes us generally conforming members of the community. Our innate need to belong makes us follow rules, observe codes of conduct, and try to meet the social expectations.
On the extreme, however, our need for others’ approval can also drive us to commit ourselves beyond our capabilities and, thus, undermining our own effectiveness in doing what we promised to do. When we commit to so many things, we spread ourselves thinly and our performance can turn out to be inferior.
An excessive sense of obligation is not healthy. For one, when our actions are not rooted in free choice and sincere intention, our accomplishments can feel superficial. It is not fulfilling to accomplish something that we know deep inside was not our own idea in the first place.
It’s not bad to try to be helpful to others. It’s noble, in fact. But it’s not good to say yes when we know we’d rather say no. We also need to consider what’s in our best interest: the decisions that make us feel good in making them, to do only the things that make us feel fulfilled doing.
It’s okay to say yes for the purpose of looking good to others. But we also need to feel good about ourselves knowing that our priorities are in good order. Other people’s opinion of us shall only be secondary to our own opinion of ourselves.
Politely saying no to requests that are not in our own best interests is wisdom. A quick no is better, because it does not allow others to have the impression that we may say yes if they haggle. Also, a firm refusal quickly prompts the requestor to think of whom to go to next, no false hopes and waste of time.
We have to be extra careful of thoughtless or abusive requests for our time and effort. We shall never do anything for someone which he should be doing himself. It’s foolish to go out of our way to help someone who simply wants to have an easy time – at our expense!
To determine the necessity of our extending help, we can ask ourselves, “What’s the worst that could happen if I don’t do it?” If the answer isn’t too bad, we better turn to something else that matters more to us. The world won’t end just because we don’t offer an umbrella to someone who wants to avoid the noontime sun.
We have to be discriminate in how we spend our time and effort or what activities we spend them on. Low-priority matters can wait or be ignored altogether, unless those of high priority have already been completed and there is room to engage in side tasks. Even if we really have extra time, we shall carefully decide what’s the best use for it.
A famous artist once said that painting is basically knowing what not to put on the canvas. And sculpture forms after all the unnecessary parts of a slab are chipped off. In the same manner, a meaningful life depends on our choice of what not to engage ourselves in.
Learning to say no is like learning to drive a car. Our proficiency increases with practice. Saying “no” – while it is generally construed to be a negative word – can yield positive consequences. Freeing us from unnecessary commitments, it can help make us better take charge of our life.