Feedback

I often hear teenagers say that the most important quality they look for in a friend is someone who “supports me no matter what” or “is always there for me.” I’m pretty sure I said something along those lines when I was their age. Adolescence is, after all, an important time in which we try to define who we are and gain acceptance from our peers.

As an adult, however, I feel a bit wary when I hear those words. Probably because I am a teacher and I see how often misused and abused those lines can be. It is one thing to offer support to a friend who is undergoing difficult moments. It is quite another to offer support when what a friend needs is correction – gentle but firm correction.

In a culture as non-confrontational as ours, I often find it difficult not just to receive feedback but to give it. And yet, I realize that if we really and truly love someone, we offer helpful feedback when the need arises. Self-awareness is a key quality to achieving a peaceful and happy life with ourselves and with others. But since we are limited, we are bound to have blind spots. Good friends and family can help us address issues that we can’t see clearly. Sometimes, what we need is not really a gentle tap in the shoulder but a good whack in the head. (I’m speaking figuratively of course!)

But really, there are moments when something a friend says about me or a choice I’ve made or am about to make – like an unpleasant truth – is exactly what I need to hear. In those moments, it’s a wakeup call that helps me correct myself. Granted, I may not exactly like hearing it at the precise moment I hear it, but I take it anyway.

I realize that it’s not just a matter of what my friend says, sometimes it’s not even a matter of how my friend says it. What matters is who my friend is to me. The more I trust someone, the more likely I am to accept feedback from her. The more I am with anyone, the more I appreciate his being able to call me out when I need it.

Affirmation and support are necessary in any friendship and I am always grateful to my friends who’ve stuck it out with me throughout all these years. But these days, I’m even more grateful for friends who’ve not been afraid to joke around about my flaws, who gently remind me to do better when I’m not being the best version of myself, and who don’t just share the same interests but who are really interested in helping me grow into a better person.