CEBU, Philippines – Sometime last year, comedian Vice Ganda received major criticism for his rape jokes during
one of his shows. A few months ago, a major department store had to pull out a line of t-shirts printed with “It is not rape. It is snuggle with a struggle.”
Some weeks back, in the midst of sharing jokes at day’s end, a guy in the office made moaning sounds and asked me, “Would you sound like that if you were raped?” This was the same guy who posted on Facebook: “Tambag nako ninyo girls og nay mo rape ninyo ayaw nalang mog sukol or else huboa nalang inyong pante kay’g musukol mo mamatay ghapon mo, may pag magpalugos mo, kausa ra bitaw nya demanda dayon mo inig human.” Many people didn’t find the post funny – they didn’t agree that the matter is as simple as acquiescing to a rape attempt at the instance of the crime and just file a case in court afterwards. The guy insisted that these people were just too uptight and not getting his joke.
Let’s see if you find this funny: I was raped… twice.
I can barely remember how old I was the first time it happened. He was my father’s cousin. I was playing alone when he casually approached me and asked if I wanted to have sex. I asked him what it was and he said he would show me. I never knew it was something kids were not supposed to do and he told me not to tell anyone. That it was our secret. It happened a few more times. The memory stops there. I am not sure how it stopped. I just forgot about it. Until a few years later.
I was nine a when a relative decided to have his newly finished house blessed. As a kid, the bathroom was my favorite place in a house and this one, having fixtures imported from Saudi Arabia, was definitely the most fascinating that I’ve seen until then. I had my back to the door of the bathroom checking out the tub when I heard a click and a voice behind me.
My uncle said, “Let’s make your breasts grow,” and started to grope inside my shirt through the neckline. I swerved past him and tried to reach the door. I only managed to open it a few inches as he was able to wedge his boot behind the bottom rail of the door, preventing it from opening wider. I shouted, “No!”
With the door slightly open, he must have realized my parents and relatives could have heard me, so he let me go. Legally, it was “just” attempted rape. But the thought of not being able to trust this person or anyone ever again left me shaken and traumatized. The intent was there, only that it failed.
It dawned on me how wrong I was about rape, thinking it would never happen to me. I did not tell my parents about it until after a week, because I was scared to relive what happened by telling someone else about it. Then I stopped talking to my parents about my life in general.
At a time when everyone talked contemptuously about girls losing their virginity by secondary school, I felt myself dirty. And it was just the beginning. During my adolescence, I began to date, tugging my past experience along. I had the mindset that boys were only after sex, and it even came to a point that I did not want to be in a relationship anymore – because casual sex was easier to handle.
I got into sex, alcohol, cigarettes, and drugs, seeking for that temporary high, an escape or diversion, because deep inside I was feeling worthless. Indulging in those vices made me feel like I had the edge over other kids, a phony consolation though it was. I wrestled with an inner emptiness, trying everything just to feel I was okay, that I still belonged in life. It was so difficult, but I needed to survive.
Rape is both physical as well as psychological coercion, which often diminishes the victim’s self-esteem, brings on depression, erratic sleeping patterns, eating disorders, tendency to harm oneself, and withdrawal from society. And the gravity of these effects extends far well into the victim’s adulthood. Sadly, not everyone is strong enough to get through such darkness.
Victims suffer further from social stigma and victim-blaming that comes mostly from people close to the victim. These emotional harassments often result in further social withdrawal by the victim.
And now, these rape jokes. It’s a good thing that rape victims have newfound allies. GABRIELA Secretary General Joms Salvador, reacting to the Vice Ganda incident, asserts that rape is a serious matter that should never be trivialized nor made into a joking matter in everyday conversations and even in entertainment shows. True, regardless of whom the rape joke is directed at or in which context it is delivered, it still is insensitive, cruel and unacceptable.
“Victims of rape and other forms of violence against women experience immense pain and trauma,” Salvador adds. “Their experience and the crime committed against them should never be the subject of jokes. That personalities make rape a laughing matter and the public even laughs at such jokes reflects a deeper problem in our society, a society where violence against women and children occur and flourish despite the utter inhumanity of it.”
I am a mother, daughter, aunt, niece, friend, cousin, colleague, teammate, stranger. I am also a rape survivor wanting to let everyone know that there are people like me out there – and our group is not limited to females. Someone who does not look like it, someone you know or even someone you love may be one of us.
So please reconsider before you try to amuse people with your rape jokes. It hurts us when you make fun of something that pains us deeply – something we want to free ourselves from but cannot undo. We’re not being uptight about your jokes – but rape is really not a laughing matter.