The Adult-Child Relationship: Manners with Children

Little children as well as older ones should always be treated as the individuals that they are. A baby in a stroller usually, and rightly so, resents a passing stranger who pokes or tickles him or makes silly sounds meant to denote friendliness. If you want to make friends with a baby, be gentle and quiet. Do not force yourself upon him or try to take him from the arms of his mother or nanny. Do not make loud noises around him. Never confuse a young child by telling him it is all right to do or have something that his mother has just said he could not do or have, even if you are the hostess.

 A very young child accompanied by an adult on a visit should not be ignored, of course. In fact if you ignore him, he will soon show you how much he dislikes being overlooked. He should be treated with dignity and respect even if he is a babe in the arms. He can not possibly understand your standard behavior, so do not become irritated at his occasional and necessary interruptions of your conversation with his mother.

 It is very impolite to speak in a foreign language in front of a child with the purpose of excluding him from the conversation. If you speak in a perfectly simple and normal way, even of subjects beyond his comprehension, he is usually satisfied, so long as you take his presence into consideration from time to time by directing your conversation to things at his level. To expect a little child to sit at the dinner table with the only attention paid him is of a correctional nature, is to expect too much.

 A child from whom too much is expected, either emotionally or intellectually grows to feel unable to do anything well enough to please his parents. In self-defense he sometimes refuses to make more than the barest effort to get by academically or socially. Such a child needs encouragement, never ridicule or increased severity.

Teaching Children to Behave

Most children eventually conform to the behavior standards their parents lay out for them, provided those standards are reasonable and attainable. The best way to understand this is to talk over your children's behavior with other parents. Too often, if we don't, we get the fixed notion that only our children act like Dennis the Menace. Actually, the whole business of growing up is a matter of fitting one's real desires and energies, sometimes painfully, into a socially acceptable pattern. All children must go through it and it is harder with some than others, mostly because of the way their parents go about the necessary saddle-breaking.

Why We Must Have Rules

  Family life must have rules, although occasionally they should be relaxed for a good cause, just as rules outside the family are sometimes relaxed within reason. Parents must know that children need and want direction. They don't want parents who are weak, sometimes easy and sometimes, and most inconveniently, rigidly strict. The child who is permitted to do anything he pleases is not secure. He has no direction and shows it by his behavior.

It is unfair to send children into social situations, whether it is school or a birthday party, where they feel awkward and unsure of themselves.  By teaching them manners, parents are arming their children with the tools they need to feel confident and enjoy themselves.