Joys of a Woman

More than a happy reunion of old friends, it was an occasion for Eric and Lyn (not their real names) to flaunt their conjugal prosperity to the rest of us. The couple invited a number of us former class — and schoolmates — to the blessing of their new, multi-million-peso house up on a hill, in a posh residential section of the city.

We were all glad to know that the most popular love team back in our high school ended up with each other, and were hitting it big in the real-estate industry. Throughout the party, Eric talked about the business — how he planned it all, how hard he worked, what other ventures he had in mind, what he intended to do with his newfound fortune.

Lyn did not speak much. She remained on the sidelines, frequently disappearing from the scene to go to the kitchen, probably to give instructions to the party crew. For one thing, she did not seem to share the excitement of her husband. As a matter of fact, she looked dreary and rather dispirited, as if she was not part of the celebration.

Later that night, my phone rang. It was Lyn. She needed to talk to someone and my number was in the guest book. “Sorry for my cold disposition at the party,” she said. I didn’t quite get what she meant; I thought she was just busy being the hostess, but there seemed to be something else going on. “Lately I’ve been feeling like I’m not part of his world anymore,” she confided to me. “The business has become his main love.”

It is a joy for every woman to know that she’s at the center of her man’s world. She wants him to acknowledge her part in his endeavors, her importance in his life. She wants him to know what makes her happy, without her having to tell him. When her man shows real interest in her happiness – looks after her needs, does the things that he thinks she’ll like – the woman glows.

It is the common complaint among women that, soon after the honeymoon period, their men turn somewhat dry and cold, even rough, with them. “He is very well-behaved when in the company of other people,” Lyn said of her husband. “When we are alone, he simply forgets all his manners.” Bad manners are a poison in any relationship, so much so in a couple’s dealings with each other.

A woman relishes tenderness in the man she loves. She wants him to be expressive of his feelings for her. Sadly though, today’s men are no longer very generous with this quality. It is a modern-day virtue for men to keep their emotions to themselves. Even women want their men to be hardy, to be fierce and self-assertive, although that should only be as far as his dealings with the world are concerned. When he’s with her, she wants him to be gentle and sweet.

Many wives also complain that their husbands are poor companions. The men come home from work and lapse into bored silence, avoiding every chance for a casual conversation with their spouses. After dinner, they either re-read the day’s papers or watch TV or seek the company of other men. Most bitter are wives who say that their husbands are so full of life when they are with other people, but utterly dull at home.

With many women, money is a practical thing by which to gauge their standing in a man’s life. They take offense when their husbands give them only a pittance while spending freely for their own delights. What’s more hurting is when their husbands grumble about the quality of the food or furnishings at home, without seeming to realize that their wives are already doing miracles with the meager budget that they are given.

A woman knows that respect is a vital component of love. Lyn complained that her Eric “makes fun of me when we’re with other people, and openly criticizes me in front of the children.” Aside from the obvious feeling of humiliation, a woman treated with disrespect by her man may actually be more hurt by the fact that he lets her down. Anybody being subjected to ridicule or embarrassment will feel bad, much more so when the slight is coming from someone you thought was on your side.

Honesty in her man is, likewise, of supreme importance to the woman. The wife who catches her husband concealing the truth from her will no longer feel secure. If she knows that he lies to her, she soon wonders what he is doing, where he is and whom he is with when he’s out of her sight. Her gravest fear is that there may be some other woman in his life.

The qualities that a woman looks for in a man seem quite a tall order, indeed. But she deserves it all, notwithstanding. For her vital role in looking after the needs of her husband, in making his home and mothering his children, it is only fair that a woman should also get her own needs taken care of by her man.

A quick ‘I love you’ occasionally whispered to her ear or a casual caress would have made Lyn feel secure with her husband. But Eric doesn’t find the time. Perhaps he thinks it’s not necessary. Perhaps Lyn herself understands fully well how busy her husband is. Still, she needs to hear him say those assuring words.

But the woman is not completely blameless for the departure of her knight in shining armor. She has protested her traditional role as the weaker gender and asserted her equality with men. Now she must understand that she cannot be equal with her man and at the same time want him to consider her characteristic fragility. As the saying goes: “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

Instead of just complaining, maybe women must also ask themselves why they can’t seem to draw out the qualities they desire in their men. It is good for wives to develop their own strengths where their husbands are weak, in order to solidify their union. For instance, as men are known to be not as gracious when it comes to communicating, women can very well assist their men in this area.

It takes thoughtful effort on the part of the woman to find her ideal man. First and foremost, she must look for a man of the right character. A man who is obviously uncouth and shrewd cannot be expected to be tender, courteous, companionable and understanding towards his wife, in any real and sustained way.

The trouble is, women are emotional beings; they think of their own needs first – especially the need to be with the man that their eyes and heart adore – before realizing that only a man of a certain character will be able to meet those needs. By then, oftentimes, they’ve already tied their hearts to the wrong men.

There is no such thing as a perfect husband. Most men are lousy when it comes to expressing love. Women know that. Yet, the persistent seekers that they are, women will not stop hoping, or expecting, that there is a man out there who exactly fits their measure of the one who can give them all the joys.

Even those who have fallen into the wrong arms will not give up. Many distraught wives continue to look forward to the day when their self-centered, uncaring, unloving husbands will finally turn perfect. And this perseverant optimism is good; otherwise no marriage would have lasted longer than a month!  (E-MAIL: modequillo@ gmail.com)