Best of the week: 10-year-old hunks, 89-year-old dates and scratching 7-year itches!
Kill Joy of the Week: The Ad Standards Council
MANILA, Philippines - As if to add insult to injury, namely the removal of the deliciously distracting Volcanoes billboards along EDSA, the Ad Standards Council recently released new guidelines for billboard screening and posting. From now on, billboards are forever forbidden from featuring “partners mimicking sexual acts” (okay, we guess we understand that) and strictly adhere to “no nudity” (um, since when has that ever happened?), “if underwear are (sic) featured, it should be presented in a decent manner” (yeah, sure), “no posting of breast, butt and bulge” (as the Council puts so eloquently!). Well, in any case, thank you, Bench and Volcanoes! Though brief (pun so intended), it was fun while it lasted.
Alleged Victim of the Week: Amanda Coling
Supreme firmly believes that when a woman cries “rape,” it’s no laughing matter. Recently, alleged Azkals gang rape victim, Amanda Coling’s lawyer released a statement, which starts with “Amanda Coling is trying to find in her heart forgiveness for what has been done to her more than a month ago, specifically on June 2, 2011... It was her intent to just suffer in silence but subsequent events have forced her to surface....” It goes on to state how rumors of her involvement in the scandal have lead to a men’s magazine and a contraceptive company informing her that they would no longer need her services as a model. “For the record, she has no axe to grind against the Azkals as a team. In fact, she openly supports Team Azkals and continues to wish them great success and glory in their upcoming games. She also has nothing against the men’s magazine and the contraceptive brand,” the official statement continues. So what’s the real score? Will justice be served? The plot thickens...
Unacceptable News of the Week: Charice, Illuminati
There are some pieces of news that are outright ridiculous, some even unacceptable. Want an example? Filipino YouTube prodigy Charice is reportedly an Illuminati member, the cult that Dan Brown popularized in one of his bestselling novels. Charice already denied that she is a member of the historical group of “enlightened” people, after a great deal of the teen singer’s Twitter followers attacked her with a series of tweets asking her about it. This came about after a video of Charice doing the symbol of the group’s all-seeing eye, a pyramid with an eye, was posted to YouTube. Her hit song “Pyramid” was also dragged into the issue, which is even more ridiculous. We shall never sing that song again, else we be branded members of a cult known for branding cardinals like livestock.
Ganda ng Lola Mo! Award: Betty White
There seems to be a trend in the States where members of the Marine Corps ask celebrities via YouTube to be their dates to the Marine Corps Ball, of which Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake were the first to be asked out. So who’s the latest to be dragged into this trend of stars going to the ball? 89-year-old veteran actress Betty White who was asked by Sergeant Ray Lewis who held a red rose while he asked Miss White to the ball. “She’s just funny, sweet and mature,” Lewis said of White, who he also described as the “all around perfect woman.” Unfortunately, Betty declined the Marine’s invite stating that she was already committed to taping an episode of Hot in Cleveland, prompting Terminator 2 actress Linda Hamilton to come to the rescue. “Betty called and I talked to her for hours and I know she feels terrible... but if you can’t find anybody else to go to the ball with you, I could go,” the actress tells sgt. Lewis in a YouTube video. It’s only a matter of time before the Marine Corps Ball is declared the latest annual A-list event!
Vagrant of the Week: Vanessa Hudgers
Nobody likes running into an ex while looking like crap. This sentiment is pretty much a universal one, even among Hollyweird types. So we’re wondering what lengths Vanessa Hudgens is taking to avoid her ex, Zac Efron these days. As part of her role in the upcoming movie, Gimme Shelter, Vadge chopped her long, wavy brunette locks and the result is not the stunning Sinead ‘O Connor look that Natalie Portman rocked for V for Vendetta. Nope, our Vadge went for a scruffy, tangled, oily (?) bob that is most commonly rocked by… homeless people. Not only that, for the film she was made to wear baggy clothing, a temporary tattoo on her neck and a lip piercing to play the role of a pregnant teenager who decides to keep her baby despite her father’s disapproval. She is then kicked out of the house and is forced to fend for herself in the streets. Needless to say, she’s looking pretty rough. We hope it’s worth it and that um, Zac doesn’t see the movie or look her up on Google Image. 
Powerful Woman of the Week: Beyonce Knowles
By all means, Beyonce Knowles is a kabogera who is on a league of her own. Advocating for women empowerment and the elimination of racism through her music, the Houston-born singer just recently added another achievement to her list: Waking up astronauts on a mission outside the Earth. NASA asked the 30-year-old singer to record a special greeting for the astronauts aboard space shuttle Atlantis before having them wake up to the tune of her song Run the World (Girls). She praised the four NASA specialists aboard the shuttle for their courage to live their dreams, and gave a shout-out to Sandy Magnus, the only girl in the four-man mission trying to repair the International Space Station. Magnus later called back the NASA headquarters to thank Beyonce for her message. See? Beyonce is still bonggacious, even in outer space!
Coolest Statue of the Week: Marilyn Monroe in Chicago
It’s not necrophilia if it’s just a statue of a dead person, is it? This week, the city of absurd and eccentric structures unveiled their most recent risqué masterpiece: A 30-foot high remake of Hollywood sex symbol Marilyn Monroe’s iconic scene atop a subway grate with her white skirt billowing up around her. Erected (pun half-intended) on Chicago’s Pioneer Court, the statue will be on exhibition until 2012. This early though, the sexy pose taken from the scene in the movie The Seven-Year Itch has already raised a few eyebrows from conservatives and concerned wives in Chicago. Husbands were caught gawking at the massive lady statue, whose panties appear to be immaculately white and have presented a unique opportunity to tourists: Marilyn Monroe upskirt photos!
Fitness Guru of the Week: CJ Senters
After Jack LaLanne’s unfortunate death last year, the world may never see a fitness guru of his caliber ever again. But thank God for CJ Senters because our hopes are coming back. You see, at 10 years old, young CJ has already released his own workout video titled C.J.: The Workout Kid. The video proved to be so popular that his dad already hired a PR rep to manage his kid’s schedule and affairs. His special abilities have bewildered his own family ever since he managed to crawl out of his crib at seven months old and would even go into the refrigerator at two or three o’ clock in the morning. To our surprise, the kid works out but doesn’t lift. “It’s not good for kids,” he quips, saying he just does crunches and other routines, but has kept his hands off the dumbbells. He’s not even on a special diet, he says. It’s all exercise and discipline that explain his pre-teen washboard abs and defined biceps, according to him.
