'Where did you get it?'

MANILA, Philippines - It makes you sick of food, as in, all food!” is how I first described the flavor explosion that is KFC’s new “sandwich” — the Double Down. I had it for breakfast, and felt no impetus to stand up for lunch. My throat was still filled with herbs and spices (and bacon and cheese) and I could still taste it lunchtime, and even before I had dinner that night.

After researching sandwiches thoroughly by going on Wikipedia and reading the description of a sandwich, I have learned this much: The Double Down isn’t a sandwich; because a sandwich is a “food item consisting of two or more slices of bread…,” but this… this monster has two original recipe patties serving as “sandwich buns,” with bacon and cheese in between them (KFC Philippines adds mayonnaise to the Double Down, but I think it ruins the taste).

But while it is certainly not a sandwich, it is many things.

1. It’s a social phenomenon. A friend visited KFC Katipunan to get a taste of the Double Down at 11:30 a.m. and it was sold out. Yesterday, I visited a KFC branch in Cubao, and the moment I went in, there was a very visible “SOLD OUT” sign taped on the Double Down image.

“But why is that ‘SOLD OUT’ sign necessary?” is what commoners who have not consumed the magical item would ask, because normally, if KFC runs out of, say, hot-and-crispy chicken, they just tell you when you reach the counter.

But you don’t understand.

When I saw that sold-out sign, sure, I was disappointed, but if I had approached the counter before they informed me, I would have gone nuts. I imagine the first people who find out the Double Down is sold out for the day go nuts and tell Colonel Sanders to go to hell.

2. It’s also a rare item in some not-so-secret dining scavenger hunt. Every person who hasn’t tasted the Double Down is asking one thing: “Where did you get it? It’s sold out everywhere!” Of course, like any question on addictive substances, it cannot be answered in public. So I am telling you now: I will not tell you. Find your own stash. Your nearest KFC may not be it. Be ready. Bring water.

3. Look at the picture; it is everything you expect.

On its first day, the Double Down was served as it is. On my most recent Double Down binge, they served it with gravy. I don’t even understand how one would eat it with gravy. Do you dip it? Do you take the sandwich apart then dip it? What does bacon with gravy taste like? (Good, I imagine) Again, I don’t understand. It’s more confusing than Oreos, but also way more delicious.

4. It is a part of my heart.

Literally. Eat it and it will be part of yours. Your arteries will fraternize with its various parts and you will bring it to old age. Its “sandwich” wrapping looks like a (dark) blue Clean & Clear Oil-Absorbing Sheet used thoroughly by a pubescent, acne-filled boy. And that’s just the oil.

There are other things that will stay in your heart, and in parts of your body you’ve never heard of. But my opinion on the matter is: It’s worth it.

I’ve gone on enough about the Double Down. There’s only so much looking and reading you can do. Eat it. But make sure to indicate that you do not want mayonnaise anywhere near your Double Down. Also, e-mail me if you find an effective way of eating it with gravy. Thank you, I am off to my regular KFC to throw elbows at my competitors.