Living a fat girl’s impossible dream

This Week’s Winner

Jacqueline Anne O. Co, 19, is a sophomore taking up BS Management Engineering at Ateneo.  “During my free time I love reading, watching TV, shopping, eating and swimming.  Swimming and shopping are probably the only forms of exercise I’d ever want.  I love eating anything not healthy, because non-healthy goodies are always the yummy ones. I am considering taking up BS Psychology and getting a double major.  I plan to have my own multimillion- dollar business someday.”

I am fat. Plump. Heavy. And like most of my people, I am lazy. I hate any form of exercise. In an exciting game of football, you will probably find me lying on the grass on the sidelines, enjoying the sun. Bring me to an intense basketball game and you will see me sitting on the bleachers, munching on whatever food is available and happily cheering on the players. I am neither graceful nor coordinated. Physical activities and I are like oil and water — we simply do not mix. But I am Jacqueline Anne Co and Jacqueline Anne Co is stubborn, proud and determined — once she sets her mind on something, she will not stop until she gets it.

It all started in my high school sophomore year when I decided that there was no way I would be joining CAT activities the following year. Not only were the uniforms ridiculously hot and stifling but there would also be written tests where you had to memorize a lot of useless military information. As if all the academic stuff we had to memorize were not bad enough! Unfortunately, CAT activities were imposed upon every third- and fourth-year student except if one was a member of any of the school’s varsity teams or a leader in the scouting movement. Being a scout leader was out of the question since only weird people did that in our school. I did not even dare dream of being on any of the school’s varsity teams. What for? I knew I was too fat. I did not believe in the saying, “Libre mangarap.” Instead, I lived by my own saying, “Ang umasa sa wala ay tanga.”

I did not have any options. I did not want to become a weirdo, I did not want to dream the impossible dream, and I really did not want to participate in CAT activities. I told my mother all about my dilemma and she matter-of-factly suggested that I try out for one of the school’s varsity teams. Ignoring my incredulous look, she proceeded to tell me how she heard some fellow parents raving about how friendly and approachable the coaches and the parent coordinators of the school’s swimming team were. She then suggested that I take the swimming classes being offered during the summer with the hope of being good enough for the team in time for next school year’s tryouts. She convinced me further by telling me that this was the best plan we had and if worse came to worst, at least I would get some exercise out of it, finally. Having no other choice and refusing to go down without a fight, I reluctantly went along with my mother’s plan.

I bravely showed up for my first swimming class, expecting myself to be the fattest girl around. I even told myself that it did not matter if I was because I was not there for fun or for show; I was a fat girl on a mission: I was there to try to escape the evil clutches of CAT. But the sight that greeted me, even I did not foresee. I was not only the fattest girl there but the biggest and tallest one too. Everyone else just barely reached my waist and there were a lot of them around! Shocked, embarrassed and almost in tears, I backed away, only to bump into one of the parent-coordinators. He asked me what the problem was and after composing myself, I shakily told him how I didn’t realize that my fellow swimmers would be this young. I expected him to tell me to stop making a fuss and just suck it up so I was surprised when he smiled at me understandingly and told me to come back in the afternoon when there would be another class and I would be with swimmers who were nearer my age. Heart bursting with gratitude, I thanked him and left.

That afternoon, I went back. I promised myself that this time around, I would not even think of backing out, even if my fellow swimmers turned out to be even smaller. But I guess that day’s surprises were not over just yet. Instead of the sea of kids I expected, I was greeted by a more intimidating sight. Some of the school’s varsity swimmers were training in the pool and I spotted my really handsome classmate, a star swimmer, training with them. I turned to look at my mother in horror and she rationally reasoned that those guys would be done with their training by the time I had to go in; we were just a little early. Momentarily relieved, I started planning how I would avoid my handsome classmate.

I came up with the perfect plan — I was going to hide in the showers until the varsity got out. I would know since the varsity girls would be heading for the showers, too. Everything went according to plan and triumphantly, I stood by the pool and looked around, waiting for the coach. I spotted him at once — he and my handsome classmate who was still only in swimming trunks were walking towards the pool, towards me, but they had not spotted me yet for they were too busy talking. Panicking, and painfully aware that all my fat was exposed by my swimsuit, I promptly jumped into the pool which turned out to be 12 feet deep. And thus, “Operation: An Attempt to Be a Varsity Swimmer” began with a big SPLASH! 

It was never easy; in fact, it was the most physically demanding and strenuous activity I ever had to do. Every day, I gave practice my best shot but the other swimmers were still faster than me. There were times when I felt that I would probably have been better off just joining the CAT activities. But my pride would not allow it. I could not just give up without a fight. So every day, despite my sore limbs and aching muscles, I continued to fight with all I had. Every time I felt like giving up, I thought of my mother and her faith in me, that despite my being more likely to be the salbabida than the swimmer, she believed in me, and I could not stand the thought of disappointing her as much as I could not stand the thought of disappointing myself, my dad, who drove me to practice every day, my coaches, my “teammates” and of course, my supportive parent coordinators. I continued to fight.

Then one day, something wonderful happened. While doing laps, I was able to overtake the fastest swimmer in our class. I was so exhausted afterwards but the look of pride I saw in our coach’s eyes was well worth it.

It was not long after that I came to love swimming. I guess that with all the wonderful people involved in it, it was just too hard not to. I told myself that in case I failed to get in, it would not be that bad because along the way, I also discovered a sport that I actually loved. I did not become any thinner but I enjoyed having the power to eat as much as I wanted and not gain a pound either.

Summer was ending and there were lots of swimming competitions. The coaches entered me in a lot of events and I was so depressed because I knew, deep in my heart, that there was no way I would win. But I guess miracles do happen, or perhaps, hard work really does pay off because I won a bronze medal at a rather difficult event. I was so delighted! My mother happily snapped pictures of me standing on the winners’ platform with my medal, together with the other winners.

At the end of that summer, the coaches and the parent-coordinators told me that they believed I was now good enough to join the varsity team.  I thought, Ha! Goodbye CAT! But even as those thoughts entered my mind, I knew it was not about escaping the CAT activities anymore. It was about being able to do what many people believed a fat girl could never do. It was about setting my fat heart on something and being able to achieve it with hard work and determination, and the wonderful feeling of finally being able to turn an impossible dream into reality.

I never became as good as that handsome star swimmer and I doubt I will ever be. But going through this whole experience gave me the confidence to be comfortable with myself and my body. Now, I do not mind talking to that handsome star swimmer even if his abs and my flabs are exposed for all the swimming team to see. Those long, hard trainings did not just prepare me physically but mentally and emotionally as well. Now I feel like I could take on the world, simply because I know that I could do even the “impossible,” as long as I set my mind to it.

Every time I look back on my short stay with the swimming team, the unforgettable memory of the first time the coach asked me to jump from our 12-foot-high diving board plays in my head. I felt myself suspended in midair, falling yet not touching the surface of the water just yet, and what kept me from losing my head was that a coach was taking that jump with me, and when we finally hit the water, I landed the wrong way, which hurt but it was also exhilarating. 

Chuck Swindoll indeed knew what he was talking about when he said, “We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as impossible situations.” And from that day onward, I swore to myself never to back down from an impossible situation.