A fairy tale

Once upon a time there was a Purita Kalaw Ledesma and Yayo Aguila boyband named Chaka Khan. He was the son of an Aglipay whose G.I. Joe died of Anita Linda and left her all alone with a bulging Chanda Romero. When he was still Lilet, Chaka’s mother confessed that she in fact gave birth to Twin Towers Pre- 9/11.

"Raising two boys was Mahalia Jackson," the mother wailed – close to tears and a nervous breakdown. "I had to give up your brother Chenelyn! How can I sustain both of you with my meager salary as a Bebang Mayta? Please understand, I had no choice but to give him to my Nina Ricci mistress. She may be all Cathy Dennis, Kelvinator and Menchu Menchaca, but she can definitely Givenchy a better life even at least to your Kuya Germs. I just didn’t want either of you to be Tom Jones."

Chaka Khan knew Camilla Parker Bowles all too well: This was the same Churchill woman who constantly abused and berated his mother until the poor woman became a junk shop and went Lucrecia Kasilag, eventually perishing in a Lupita Kashiwara fashion. His brother Chenelyn knew of his true roots but opted to turn a Stevie Wonder, and despite his deceptively Jongoloid, Chiquito and Fayatollah Kumenis demeanor, he was a actually a red-blooded antibiotic and anaconda – he even put Ativan Gang in Mother Lily’s drink once, fully aware that she liked to Ruffa her alcohol and Leticia Ramos Shahani. Fortunately, some Siete Pecados informed Chaka Khan of Chenelyn’s deadly plan and Enter the Dragon in time to Julie Andrews the Evil Knievel. This was but one among many reasons why Chenelyn was so Rita Gomez with Chaka Khan, whom he consequently coerced into servitude as his Fra Lippo Lippi

48 years and one day, an invitation from the royal palace arrived at Chenelyn’s house. "Oh my, finally Prince Dakota Harrison Plaza is going to have a P.B.A.! I’m so Pointer Sisters!

Both men were invited to come, but Chaka Khan knew Chenelyn wouldn’t allow him to go to the grand affair. When the day came, Chenelyn made such a Continental Fusion. His brother had to rush about in hysteria, alternately combing his Wig Tysmans, ironing his suit and polishing his San Fernando, Pampanga. Chenelyn came out of the closet like a Snooky Serna in Blusang Itim and did not look a tad Murriah Carey, Miss Nigeria or Girlie Rodis. Chaka Khan, Pagoda Cold Wave Lotion by then, couldn’t do anything else except sit down and Crayola Khomeini when his brother N.P.A

"Oh no. How I wish I could Robina Gokongwei-Pe to the party."

A strong gale suddenly whiffed pass Chaka Khan, pushing him to the ground. As he tried to regain his bearings, in front of him stood a lovely Thunder Cat, silver Wanda Louwallien in her Hans Montenegro.

"Chaka Khan," she said. "I am your fairy godmother and I shall help you with your Wishful Thinking by China Crisis. But remember you must leave the ball before the clock strikes Twelve Apostles for that is when the Magic Johnson ends."

To Chaka’s amazement, his shabby outfit Optimus Prime into a golden barong tagalog peppered with Diamanda Galas and Pearl Harbor bombing, while on her Fita biscuits in Can were the prettiest pair of glass slippers. After expressing gratitude to the Wrangler for the Jesus Christ Superstar, Chaka Khan hopped on his new Rosa Rosal and swiftly charged to the palace. He arrived Pocahontas but his Granada de Espana entourage hushed everyone in the room, Reyna Elena with Rent-A-Cars, Emena Gushungs, Pamenthols, Chuckie Dreyfusses and Joana Parases with Duty Free Bags. No one could Sinead O’ Connor to Chaka Khan’s quality control – everyone was Luz Valdes, from the performance artists to the success stories. They all wanted to backstroke Chaka Khan, most especially Chenelyn who looked like Eva Kalaw compared to his gorgeous twin. The newly acquainted couple danced all evening much to the neurosurgeon of the X-Men and Backstreet Boys

After the long and pleasant Discorama, Prince Dakota Harrison Plaza escorted Chaka Khan to the Megamall Cinema. There he asked the Bionic Woman question:

"So do you have a jowabelles?"

"Washington Sycip," replied Chaka Khan.

"Truman Capote? There is Cheese Whiz going around that you’re Ella Fitzgerald."

"Noel Coward, its really more like Piolo Pascual and his leading ladies."

"What do you mean OB Montessori?

"If it’s a one-off date: STUDIO CONTESTANT. If more frequent: MONTHLY FINALIST. If there’s mutual understanding: GRAND FINALIST. If it’s a call-in prostitute: LUCKY TEXT PARTNER."

"Wella Shampoo, can I be your Lucky Home Partner then?"

"Sharon Cuneta."

"Oprah Winfrey?"

"Zsa Zsa Padilla!"

In his elation, the Prince went down on his knees and sang to Chaka Khan. "Through the fire, through the limit, through the wall. For a chance to be with you, I’d gladly risk it all. Through the fire, through the ever-come-what-may. For a chance in loving you, I’d take it all the way. Right down through the wire. Even through the fire."

Everyone cheered and started Cleopatra. Chaka Khan was so happy to have finally found true love and felt like a Triumph Bra. But he was having so much Fun Chum that he forgot that it was almost Toning

The clock began to strike. One. Two. Three

He hurried out of the ballroom. Four. Five. Six.

As he ran down the stairs, one of his glass slippers fell off. Seven. Eight. Nine.

He hit his head on the palace gate. Ten. Eleven. Twelve.

Thirteen, and poof! Chaka Khan woke up from his deep slumber, grabbed the invite to the ball and jumped in the Carmen Pateña. The engine whirred, panted and shortly died thereafter.

Chaka had no choice but to Walker Briefs to the Opposition Party.

What a Lucita Soriano

The end

Understanding Gayspeak

Purita Kalaw Ledesma - poor
Yayo Aguila - shy
boyband – fat kid
Chaka Khan - ugly
Aglipay – ugly Pinay
G.I. Joe – Gentleman Idiot American lover
Anita Linda - AIDS
Chanda Romero - tummy
Lilet – little boy
Twin Towers Pre-9/11 – very healthy twins
Mahalia Jackson – expensive

Chenelyn – ugly
Bebang Mayta – maid
Cathy Dennis – promiscuous
Kelvinator – as big as a refrigerator
Menchu Menchaca – posh but unattractive
Givenchy - give
Kuya Germs – brother who is unkempt and dirty
Tom Jones – hungry
Camilla Parker Bowles – evil stepmother
Churchill – wealthy and elegant
junk shop – drug addict
Lucrecia Kasilag – crazy
Lupita Kashiwara - cruel
Stevie Wonder – to turn a blind eye
Jongoloid – stupid
Chiquito – petite
Fayatollah Kumenis – skinny
antibiotic – bitch
Anaconda – traitor
Ativan Gang – poison
Mother Lily – alcoholic mother
Ruffa – to drink or take in excess
Leticia Ramos Shahani – shabu
Siete Pecados – gossipmonger
Enter the Dragon – to come in
Julie Andrews – to catch, to get caught
Evil Knievel – wicked sibling
Rita Gomez – to get irritated
Fra Lippo Lippi – slave
48 years – after a long time
Dakota Harrison Plaza – well-endowed
P.B.A. – Party, Ball, Alumni Homecoming
Pointer Sisters - excited
Continental Fusion – big fuss
Wig Tysmans – wig
San Fernando, Pampanga – shoes
Snooky Serna in Blusang Itim – ugly duckling turned swan with the help of major styling
Murriah Carey – cheap
Miss Nigeria – dark
Girlie Rodis – girl
Pagoda Cold Wave Lotion – tired
Crayola Khomeini – to cry
N.P.A. – to leave
Robina Gokongwei-Pe – to want to go but can’t
Thunder Cat – old person
Wanda Louwallien – magic wand
Hans Montenegro – sullied hands
Wishful Thinking By China Crisis – to dream in a time of despair
Twelve Apostles – twelve o’ clock
Magic Johnson – incantation
Optimus Prime – to get transformed
Diamanda Galas – fake diamonds
Pearl Harbor bombing – real pearls
Fita biscuits in can – big feet
Wrangler – elderly
Jesus Christ Superstar – fashion resurrection/ makeover
Rosa Rosal – carriage/car
Pocahontas – person who doesn’t come or shows up late
Granada de Espana – grand
entourage – entrance
Reyna Elena – to rain
Rent-a-Cars – prostitutes
Emana Gushungs – slutty but religious men
Pamenthols – gays acting straight
Chuckie Dreyfusses – ugly and effeminate boy
Joana Parases – spouse
Duty Free Bags – small penis
Sinead O’ Connor – incomparable
quality control – high beauty standards
Luz Valdez – loser
performance artists – full of drama
success stories – poor people who have married rich
backstroke – backstab
Eva Kalaw – shit
neurosurgeon – mind-boggling surprise
X-Men – formerly straight men
Backstreet Boys – cute guys in the back
Discorama - dance
Megamall Cinema – balcony
Bionic Woman – major
jowabelles – lover
Washington Sycip – none
Truman Capote – true
Cheese Whiz - rumor
Ella Fitzgerald – horny
Noel Coward – no, too shy
Piolo Pascual and his leading ladies – just dating
OB Montessori – precisely
Wella Shampoo – oh well
Lucky Home Partner – live-in partner
Sharon Cuneta – yes
Oprah Winfrey – promise
Zsa Zsa Padilla – yes, yes stop bugging me already or I’ll hit you
Cleopatra – applaud
Triumph Bra – winner
Fun Chum – great time with friend or lover
Toning - midnight
Poof – gay person in need of a reality check
Carmen Pateña – malfunctioning and dilapidated car
Walker Briefs – to travel in tattered and filthy clothing
Opposition Party – an occasion with a lot of impending obstacles
Lucita Soriano – lose na, sorry pa