When a woman becomes cold?
July 21, 2002 | 12:00am
The problem with you," the man told his wife, "is that you are cold. Do you really think I like coming home to that?" It was hissed rather than said and its venom burned every heart in the room. As if that wasn’t enough, he threw his napkin on the table, shook his head and pointedly stared past her to further showcase his suffering. His wife, in turn, looked through him, willing a lifetime of tremors away. She took a calming breath and closed her eyes. I hoped she had slipped into a restful coma, but that would have been too easy. She had merely taken a moment to ease into her game face, the one that would get her through the meal and out of there.
That out of the man’s system, dinner proceeded as usual in that surreal zone reserved only for battle-weary couples who have found pockets of normalcy in their most bizarre spaces. They were done but they lingered. Had coffee in heavy silence. He settled the bill. She dabbed her lips with her napkin before they stood and left, not exactly arm-in-arm, but close enough to each other to tell us they would weather this and more. She was stoic; tragically regal. She had donned her best unruffled self for their exit, even if the sadness in her eyes could have leveled a continent.
Cold. That, he claimed, was the source of his pain. Watching her now, I realized it was the salve to hers. Beneath the overly calm exterior I sensed frantic motion as her little team of invisible fairies began lugging tool boxes, hauling ladders, unfolding tarpaulin, assembling scaffolding, whistling melancholy tunes as they helped erect another wall that would shield her from feeling this, the latest attack on her person. I felt that early in the marriage, she had learned to build walls. She must have decided it was the only way to keep her heart safe from the unthinkable pain she would otherwise have to bear. She had become sole architect of her salvation.
Sometimes I wonder if a man really knows what he wants from his wife. He will fool around and expect her to stay. He will put the family in debt, repeatedly, and still expect her love, respect–hell, maybe even her inheritance. He will live his life pretty much the way he pleases and expect his home to be a perfect, undisturbed haven. In the meantime, his wife scrambles to please him, tries to be more this and less that, and fills the holes in her spirit with hard wedges of resolve just so she can hold down the fort for their children. But it is never enough. He won’t touch her but will expect her to summon passion when he wants it, not realizing that he had long ago drained the well. Still she complies.
Yes. I completely understand how a woman too often turns inward and builds enough walls to render her a veritable fortress. How ironic then, that she be accused of being cold. HAH, I want to say. How can any woman take all that and have enough warmth to spare? No wonder the woman in the restaurant looked right through her husband. There was nothing left to do.
If a woman is talked down to repeatedly, accused of being inadequate– not up to par– wouldn’t she freeze over time? I would. I’m not invalidating his pain, but surely there is a kinder, more respectful way to treat your mate. I don’t know how to make it right for them because no one can judge another’s marriage. All marriages tend to be defined by the very things that are ignored and neglected; things that have waited too long to be named. But I do know that no one, no matter what, deserves to be treated this way. I do know that every woman has a choice and if we could only get comfortable about caring for ourselves, it would be much easier to exercise it.
My friend reminded us of how airline safety procedures require adults with little children to take care of themselves first during emergencies, because only then can they effectively look after the safety of their children. Every woman ought to practice this, especially since we’re so used to pedalling backwards to the end of the line. Enough of that. Take care of yourself first. Can the guilt. If you are in a good place, you are a better wife and mother. Part of this means becoming intimate with your defenses. If you feel you have to build walls to protect yourself, go ahead, but make sure you’re not hacking yourself to pieces in the process.
As a woman, I know I will never allow anyone to treat me that way; to speak to me as if I didn’t have a heart or that it wasn’t the right size, shape, or temperature. But that’s me. That much I know about myself. I think that when you know yourself well, know your boundaries, and are not afraid to lay them out and fight for them, you are better equipped to navigate the often harsh terrain of a marriage. That’s why I think it great that more people are marrying later in life. It doesn’t guarantee anything, nothing does, but I’m hoping it means more people are coming to the union with a better sense of who they are. And I think that makes a wealth of difference.
My girlfriends and I sat around for a long time, all reluctant witnesses to this jarring exchange between two people who once promised to love each other forever. I wondered if there was a way we could promise not to wound each other through eternity and be true not only to the words but to ourselves.
One way through this–for women at least–is to accept that we are worthy of the kind of love that enlivens, rather than numbs us. Hard as it is, we must also accept that no marriage is worth killing our spirit for. What could we give our children if we are emptied out; hardened beyond recognition? Every woman must have the courage to fight for the wellness of her body, soul and spirit. It is the only way to live.
BrandSpace Articles
<
>