Lighter side of sports

Let’s take a break from the action today and share a few laughs. It’s not often we can take a step back, relax and laugh out loud. Here are a few clips from the book “You Don’t Say,” a compilation of over 1,000 hilarious sports quotes and quips as compiled by Hartley Miller. If you don’t crack up, it could be a major case of a poor sense of humor.

“One time, I lost my substitute urine when I got stoned and dropped my Gatorade bottle so I called my girlfriend and asked her for a favor. She Fed-Exed me a urine sample but I failed the test because I came up pregnant.” – former Carolina Panthers defensive end Shawn King on failing an NFL drug test.

“I said some people don’t know a football from a banana … the next morning, a local banana distributor sent me a huge crate of bananas, this week, I’m going to say, some people don’t know a football from a Mercedes.” – former Tampa Bay football coach John McKay.

“The British tabloids claim that soccer hunk David Beckham cheated on his wife Victoria. Today, Beckham called Kobe Bryant to get the number of his jeweller.” – comedian Alex Kaseberg. “A successful bettor has knowledge, patience, selectivity, will power and a rich wife.” – Las Vegas oddsmaker Bob Martin.

“Kind of reminds you of the quote from Zsa Zsa Gabor, ‘I’m a marvellous housekeeper, every time I leave a man, I keep his house.’” – Mike Bianchi of the Orlando Sentinel on NASCAR driver Jeff Gordon’s slump being attributed to his impending divorce and his wife threatening to take their $10 million Palm Beach mansion.

“Did you hear Kobe is staying? Staying with the Lakers? He decided to stay with the Lakers out of loyalty. You can understand why.  The last time he wasn’t loyal to someone, it cost him $4 million in jewerly.” – talk show host Jay Leno.

“I was once offered $300 to throw a fight in the third round but I had to turn it down because I had never made it to the third round.” – former major league broadcaster Lon Simmons on his brief pro boxing career.

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“We still go out dining and dancing three times a week. She goes on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays, I go on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays.” – former Los Angeles Dodgers manager Tommy Lasorda on his long marriage. “I know drugs are a problem in sports, I played football in high school and they were then. I remember the homecoming game – drugs all through the locker room – a guy comes up to me before the game and says, ‘Dan, I’m so wasted, I can’t go out there, man.’ And I said, ‘Hey, you gotta go out there, we can’t play without you, coach.” – comedian Dan Wedeking.

“There will be two buses leaving the hotel for the park tomorrow. The 2 o’clock bus will be for those of you who need a little extra work. The empty bus will be leaving at 5 o’clock.” – San Francisco Giants manager Dave Bristol, addressing his struggling team. “We’re the only team in history that could lose nine games in a row then go into a slump.” – Bill Fitch on his first season coaching the Cleveland Cavaliers in the NBA.

“Last season, we couldn’t win at home and this season, we can’t win on the road. My failure as a coach is that I can’t think of any place else to play.” ˆ Vancouver Canucks coach Harry Neale. “Working for Lou was pretty good but the problem was every morning, he’d make the coaches kiss his ring and he kept the ring in his back pocket.” – Wisconsin football coach Barry Alvarez roasting former Notre Dame coach Lou Holtz.

“A sports journalist is someone who would if he could but he can’t so he tells those who already know how they should.” – British sportswriter Cliff Temple. “Even after dropping his drawers, he still had on more clothes than Serena Williams.” – Miami Herald’s Greg Cote after Marat Safin mooned the crowd at the French Open.

“You have a left and a right. The left side controls the right half of your body and the right side controls the left half. Therefore, left-handers are the only people in their right mind.” – former Montreal Expos pitcher Bill Lee. “If I’m not the sexiest man alive, explain why so many women married me. I may be dumb but I’m not stupid.” – former football star Terry Bradshaw. “We’re not attempting to circumcise the rules.” – Pittsburgh Steelers coach Bill Cowher.

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“I’m not allowed to comment on lousy officiating.” – New Orleans Saints general manager Jim Finks. “Left hand, right hand, it doesn’t matter, I’m amphibious.” – former NBA cager Charles Shackleford.   â€œAs you all know, there’s no I in championship.” – San Jose SaberCats defensive back Barry Wagner. “The lead car is absolutely unique except for the one behind it which is identical.” – commentator Murray Walker.

“I can’t really remember the names of the clubs we went to.” – Shaquille O’Neal on whether he visited the Parthenon during a visit to Greece.

“Two women were having lunch before their weekly game at the country club. ‘I just got a great set of golf clubs for my husband,’ said one. ‘No kidding?’ her friend said incredulously. ‘That’s a great trade.’” – Orange Country Register’s Randy Youngman.

And finally, another anecdote from Youngman: “A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill onto an adjacent fairway. Walking over the hill toward his ball, he saw a man rolling around on the ground, holding his hands over his groin area, groaning in agony. ‘I’m an attorney,’ the writhing victim said, ‘and this is going to cost you $5,000.’ ‘I’m very sorry,’ the remorseful golfer said, ‘but I did yell, fore!’ Said the attorney, ‘I’ll take it.’”