On the lighter side

With all the tension, pressure, politics and debate that are now part and parcel of sports, we thought of taking time off to remind us all that there is a lighter side to the games we love. In particular, the games are basketball and boxing.

Glenn Liebman produced a pair of books that list some of the funniest one-liners ever in boxing and basketball. With all due respect to Liebman, we’re taking the liberty of requoting from his compilation. Hoop reviewers said Liebman’s “one-of-a-kind collection serves up the game’s most entertaining quotations, both on and off the court (and) delivers endless prime-time, slam-jam, in-your-face fun.” On boxing, the critics said, “From the quick wit of Muhammad Ali to the knockout punches of George Foreman, this entertaining collection of boxing quips and quotes showcases the most memorable one-liners ever to enter the ring … promoters, trainers and commentators also take aim with clever quotations about the great matches.”

Let’s start off with boxing:

“After losing the heavyweight title to James (Cinderella Man) Braddock, Max Baer commented, ‘Jim can use the title, he has five kids, I don’t know how many I have.’ On the subject of death, Joe Louis said, ‘Everybody wants to go to heaven but nobody wants to die.’

“On retiring, George Foreman said, ‘The question isn’t at what age I want to retire – it’s at what income.’ Archie Moore, dismissing talk if he was born in 1913 or 1916: ‘My mother should know, she was there … I’ve given this a lot of thought and have decided that I must have been three when I was born.’ Columnist Jim Murray: ‘Every major prizefight is like a morality play, a John Wayne movie, a Horatio Alger novel, there’s a good guy and a bad guy … bakeries have destroyed more boxers than wine, women and song.’ Mickey Walker: ‘You learn in life that there are always ups and downs, we must have enough sense to enjoy your ups and enough heart to get through our downs.’

“Ali: “To be a great champion, you must believe you are the best, if you’re not, pretend you are.’ Former world lightheavyweight titlist Bob Foster spoke about the Internal Revenue Service: “They’re like relatives, they’re always knocking on the door, I’m the one in there taking all the punches, I get the hell beat out of me and they’re taking all my money.’ Promoter Don (Only In America) King: “My biggest difficulty is assuaging egos, it’s like getting every great actor in the world in the same movie … when I gaze into the mirror, I never cease to amaze myself and I say this humbly. I see my hair a burning bush in righteous justice, the truth is that my hair is an aura from God, he made every streak a citadel.’ Another from Foreman:, ‘My whole family likes to play basketball, George II plays for his high school team, George III and George IV and George V are going to be good players, one day we’re going to have a team and call it Georgetown.’

* * * *

“Former world lightheavyweight champion Jose Torres: ‘You can’t be only smart in boxing and stupid in other things, it’s impossible for you to be a stupid guy and be a smart fighter.’ Former world heavyweight king Gene Tunney: ‘A boxer knocked down is the loneliest guy in the world.’ On martial harmony, Ali commented: ‘I won’t worry about who you sleep with if you won’t worry about who sleeps with me, my toughest fight was with my first wife.’ Maxie Rosenbloom, who split up from his psychologist wife: ‘After six years, I finally got a divorce, I didn’t feel at home with her, my wife had so many books in the house whenever I came in, I had to show her a library card.’

“On fight purses, Louis: ‘They say money talks but the only thing it ever said to me was good-bye, I ain’t broke, I ain’t rich but I make enough money to take care of my family, I never did need much money, it was always those people around me who did.’ Marlon Starling once said, ‘I’ll fight him for nothing if the price is right.’”

* * * *

Finally, here are quotes from basketball:

“‘Charles Barkley, on why he respected the Celtics’ older frontline of Larry Bird, Kevin McHale and Robert Parish: ‘I’d rather have older guys who are great players than younger guys who stink.’ Shaquille O’Neal, downplaying his poor free throw shooting: ‘I’m trying my hardest but I can’t have everything, I can’t have the looks, the rapping ability, the scoring ability and the free throws.’ Missouri coach Norm Stewart said, ‘We’re shooting 100 percent – 60 percent from the field and 40 percent from the free throw line.’ The late coach Jim Valvano: ‘We have a very intelligent team, I’ve had clubs that when you tell a guy to go back door, he leaves the gym or you tell the team you’re going to have a closed practice and eight guys don’t show up.’

‘Former Chicago forward Stacey King after scoring one point and Michael Jordan hit 69: ‘I’ll always remember this as the night that Michael and I combined to score 70 points.’ Julius Erving on Magic Johnson: ‘He’s the only player who can take only three shots and still dominate a game.’ Former NBA referee Earl Strom: “Officiating is the only occupation in the world where the highest accolade is silence.’ NBA legend Earl (The Pearl) Monroe: ‘Sports is the only profession I know that when you retire, you have to go to work.’

“Miami Heat president Pat Riley: “There’s only two things in the NBA – there’s winning and there’s misery.’ Former NBA coach Bill Fitch: “I don’t say Wilt Chamberlain is the strongest man I’ve ever know, but when we wipes the sweat off his brow, people in the balcony get a bath.’”