Helicopter parenting

In last week’s column, “Career Program for Toddlers”, we featured the article, with the same title, of our Asian  Institute Management classmate, now Vancouver-based Vic Lorenzo who decries the fact that parents too often interfere in their own children’s goal setting and career planning. We continue to feature Lorenzo’s article for the simple reason that, in sports, a field intimately intertwined with  education, many parents too “do not allow their children to play” instead of following the Toby’s Foundation’s motto of “help the children play”.

In the book, “Whose game is it, anyway”, authors Richard D. Ginsburg. Stephen Durant and Amy Baltzell” state in the Introduction that in youth sports, certain values are especially important.

The three state that, “First, though sports can involve serious play, especially as children get older, it is play nonetheless. It isn’t war. It isn’t a life or death matter, and it shouldn’t be made into that. But a consideration of values can lead to some sticky questions. Parents worry that their children must learn to survive in a competitive world that does not forgive setbacks or mistakes, and these parents may push their kids to win at any cost at sports, to toughen them up for life. Yet at the same time, parents may feel uneasy about compromising their values of fairness and sportsmanship. We believe parents don’t need to make this compromise.”

Certain parallels can be seen in Lorenzo’s article.  Vic writes of a pre-school in Vancouver that charges US$1,200 a month. The key message to parents is that the school is so good that it will prepare your child enter the best “Ivy League grade school”.

Elsewhere, Lorenzo says that in Shanghai, China, rich parents are enrolling their children in an “Early MBA” program every Sunday morning.  The children, some barely out their toilet training, learn assertiveness, among other things. These parents aim to have their children as CEO’s of their various companies at 14 years of age.

Lorenzo adds that these children belong to a generation that wants to rise quickly (no matter the cost), in an organization. They have a sense of entitlement because they have been spoiled by parents with the latter expecting the best performance from their children. The main messages are: aim high, no failures are tolerated. Soon enough, reality sets in and the young souls are unable to handle the pressure. No more praises come their way because they haven’t achieved the high goals set by their parents.

Lorenzo writes of a “young couple who lives in North America”. The husband was so used to praises from parents and relatives. He had always been an honor student with praises raining on him. The wife however was sparing in her praises. The husband went into depression until Lorenzo guided him out of what he calls “praise addiction”.

Lorenzo states that parents are not content with “guiding” their children just up to their early teens and twenties, some of them even follow their children to the workplace and negotiate for their salary. The tendency of fathers and mothers to intrude excessively in the affairs of their children, has led to the term “helicopter parenting”, since mom and dad are always hovering overhead like helicopters.

To further emphasize his point of parental interference, Lorenzo quotes Carl Honore, author of the documentary entitled “Hyper Parents and Coddled Kids”, who claims some parents micro-manage their children up to the latter’s adult years  prompting Honore to state, “we have entered the age of the Managed Child”.

This obsession for perfection and superiority leads to a life of comparison: we want to be better than my classmate; we want to be the best trader compared to my peers. Achieve, compete and compare become the operative words in one’s life.

Lorenzo, an advocate of strong Christian marriage and family life, says, “Allow your child to play his age. Bring to the Lord your anxieties and concerns. If we trust Him, then His peace will reign in our hearts. As parents, our main concern is that our children are able to make the right, moral decisions in their life on their own. As they begin to grow from toddler to manhood, we release them more fully to the Lord. We guide and allow them to be who God wants them to be and not what we want of them. Release them to the Lord”.

If I may add my own personal reflection, the parents’ duty is to help their children develop further their God-given talents so they can help improve the condition of mankind. In sports, as in education, we give them the extra help so they can enjoy the sport of their choice to the fullest, for them to contribute to the team effort and to avoid unnecessary injuries.

Indeed, allow the child to play his age. Help him play – do not play for him!