2006 ‘gwift’ list

The holiday season is naturally my nuttiest time of the year. Here is a list of items that I hilariously wish science would indeed make available as gifts, thus this "gwift" list. If at all you find any of them, please drop me a note to let me know so that I will be more careful what I wish for in next year’s list. 

1. Genetic rebate coupons. Twenty percent of the 24,000 genes that make up the human body have been patented by corporations and/or research institutions. In an article entitled "Owning the Stuff of Life" by Gary Styx in the Scientific American last February, he revealed this startling figure. If no one can stop this trend, these faceless entities will eventually end up patenting all human genes. So, I propose that these patent holders issue every human being a roll of rebate coupons that could be redeemable at any time in their lifetime, in the event that they are plagued with diseases that have been caused by "defective genes." These would enable the rebate holders to be fixed by the gene patent holders for free. Patent holders – you own it, you fix it.

2. Burial certificates for the E-mail Hoax Cemetery. Once an e-mail hoax has been debunked, it should be buried for good. There are many sites dedicated to cause death by reason to these invincible hoaxes so they should all help build some kind of Central E-mail Hoax Cemetery where NO resurrections will be allowed. This site should be the final resting place of all the e-mail hoaxes out there that have caused countless e-mail forwarders to waste no time in spreading them, warning against microwaved water harmless spiders, overpriced cookies, lipstick, except against e-mail hoaxes! To those who have originally started those hoaxes – yes, you have proven the point that people in general are gullible and will spread your hoax thinking they do not have anything to lose, except their capacity for critical thinking – something you may want them to have as they contemplate options for revenge if they find out who you are.

3. Levitron. "Go to the corner" does not seem to be an effective measure to make our politicians more reflective of their actions. It also seems that keeping them together in government buildings in endless deliberations has not significantly improved the way they think of how to best serve the country. With the help of magnets, scientists have recently already kept frogs, beetles and even a small fish afloat. Maybe without so many interests bearing down on them, politicians could be kept honest with just magnets. If this does not work, I could think of a levitron powered by hot air where we could demonstrate the science lesson that hot air goes up – way up. Here, the unwavering constancy of hot air from the politicians themselves could assure their levitation. That should keep them honest lest they be taken to where only lost kites and freed balloons go. Up, up and awayyyy!!

4. Virtual Hooligan Bank account. The IgNobel award for Literature once went to the very creative writing skills of those e-mail senders who make you feel so special in having chosen to e-mail you to help them siphon supposed hundreds of millions of dollars from the account of some dead fellow in their country. Always, the amount mentioned in the e-mail is very near the GNP of the country from which the account is supposed to be located. This Virtual Hooligan Bank will save these persistent hooligans the trouble of fishing for a positive respondent since this bank can receive their fictitious funds. In that site, these hooligans could only access their fictitious account if they go through a lengthy sequence in a voice answering machine that will lead these hooligans to the not-so-fictitious police authorities.

5. Primetime News Filter Plus. Insights on how our brains work reveal that the manner in which the news is delivered is as important as the substance of the news being rendered. If your nerves and eardrums are frayed and shattered like mine are when trying to get the local perspective on primetime news, you may want this. It will automatically mute the thunderous "boo!" tones of the newscasters and render them in another voice that speaks the news as opposed to screaming it. Screaming may be good to alert your friend if there were a pack of dingoes charging toward her in the desert but really, a sober tone would do in delivering the day’s news on screen. We want to think and decide for ourselves which item we pay attention to, without alarming our cardiologists.

6. Genetic Modifier Kit. This is perfect in case you are one of those who experience either pre-family reunion ennui or the post family holiday reunion regret. We all love a big family (in another country). You cannot wait till you could reply to queries from the old unshakable genetic pillar that is Aunt Martha on what is wrong with your reproductive tubes (the disease is called "choice") that you do not have kids (still waiting for family elders to grow up). I figured that if scientists have made all soya genetically modified and have even made green pigs, they will eventually come up with something to tweak our genes to make us technically unworthy to join those sacred family reunions. But if you are the eternal optimist and once again you still choose to go to the holiday gene pool that your clan has so fastidiously built in pursuit of tradition, only to be grateful once more that biology is indeed not destiny, then you can still zap yourself with this kit afterwards. Note: Niceties not included (you are on your own explaining to family that you are now genetically closer to soya than to Aunt Martha.)

7. Glow-in-the-dark fix for public servants. As I mentioned in gift item # 6, Taiwanese scientists this year have already made some glow—in-the-dark green pigs for research purposes. I propose that we make all our public servants glow in the dark so that we know where they are, especially if they are in the unlit places in public life, when they seem to conveniently disappear when implicated in a scandal. A wide variety of colors in which to glow should be available.

8. Chateau Eternité Wine Tank. A study late this year published in Nature has been pointing to a substance in wine called resveratrol that seemed to slow aging in mice. However, the equivalent a human has to take would have to be 1,500 to 3,000 bottles a day which would certainly make spirited Uncle Frank very happy to see that you have rented the fuel company’s tank truck to deliver your gift to him.

9. Membership in the "Justice for Pluto" movement. This is for those whose emotional make-up have been greatly shattered when Pluto was demoted by the International Astronomical Union this year to the category of minor planet, a.k.a. a big floating space rock. It will automatically engage you in a telenovela of astronomy of sorts where other floating space rocks petition to elevate their stature, in relation to the arrogant ministerial planets and the dictatorial Sun.

10. Blackhole simulator. This is for the remarkably shallow. This is a software that conjures up images of what a blackhole is and what being in it could be like. If you cannot cultivate depth for yourselves, just leave it to the universe to create some for you. Good for all ages.

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