Middle age hoops (Locked out)

MANILA, Philippines - This being a chronicle of an unfolding epic Thursday nights at the Knights of Columbus gym in Intramuros, where middle aged workers from a nearby newspaper office sweat off the stress of their day jobs and kill time while waiting for the NBA lockout to end. Thursday games follow the scrimmage of Customs employees habitually cursing the referee, while the previous Wednesday schedule followed the workout of the Chinese guys.

Types of passes

Multiple bounce pass: A conventional bounce pass would have ball bouncing off the floor to the hands of receiver, but in middle age hoops, the bounces can be numerous (more than one) and involve intricate angles and body parts. For example: ball bounces off knee, to floor, to another player’s face, to hands of a waiting receiver for an easy undergoal stab. Or: phantom bounce pass, where ball bounces through hands of teammate into the opponent’s hands for an easy layup.

This is where the immortal motto of the Port Area Basketball Association (PABA) was conceived, and remains the font of PABA wisdom like an athlete’s oath: “AKALA KO KAKAMPI!”

No look pass: when passer passes without wearing glasses.

Behind the back pass: when chest passer wears uniform inverted, or front side back.

Types of dribbles

In pro basketball one of the unbeatable dribbles is the crossover, popularized by such star guards as Nash and Billups, but actually pioneered by Tim Hardaway. In middle age hoops, the crossover is jazzed up a bit, however unintentionally:

The doubled over, which occurs when the ball bounces off foot in the midst of crossover dribble, causing the dribbler to fumble and lose possession, eventually doubling over in embarrassment. But player can always blame it on loose shoelaces.

Another popular move is behind the back, used mostly to slip past an opponent towards the basket.

In middle age hoops, this becomes back the behind, where due to insufficient coordination the ball instead bounces off the back or behind of the dribbler, the ball landing in an opponent’s hands near the basket for an easy undergoal stab. Almost but not quite, as they say.

Galloping dribble: Meant to scare away defenders while dribbling like a horse towards the basket.

Types of shots

Among the favorites is the bank shot, where a tightly angled shot hits the backboard first before the ball swishes into net.

In middle age hoops, this becomes the multiple bank shot, where shots hit the board in a succession of close misses, until one shot fails to hit ring, landing in an opponent’s hands for an easy layup. (Note: repeated jumping for follow ups helps build resistance).

A popular weapon of modern basketball warfare is the turnaround fade away, but in middle age hoops, this becomes the fadeaway turn around, where the player gets too deep under the basket, and when he throws the ball up in what he thought was an easy undergoal stab, ball instead floats up over the backboard and out of bounds.

The running shot was popularized by the likes of Baby Boy Morales, but in middle age hoops this becomes the running and scrambling shot, where player displays fine form in driving toward basket, only for the shot not to hit rim and the ball land into the hands of an opponent for an easy, what a nice.

Finally, there is the 3-point shot which is transformed into the 1-2 (1 minus 2) shot, where a 3-point attempt lands short and out of bounds, or else into an opponent’s hands for an easy, undergoal, almost but not quite what a nice.

Highlight reels

In middle age hoops, there is no need for instant replay, as most everything moves in slow motion.

Jump ball is settled not by traditional means or possession arrow, but by the good old “miss” from the free throw line. Team lineups are decided by jack en poy, or the color of a player’s jersey, whether light or dark, during warm-ups.

A note on warm-ups

Gradual break in of brittle arthritic bones before strenuous exercise is highly recommended. Running, stretching, limbering up are advisable, but in middle age hoops, warm-ups may include 2 or 3 cigarettes or secondhand smoke, 2 or 3 beers in a nearby watering hole. Even a rubdown from a masseur nicknamed Golum, who ran away with the court rent money never to be seen or heard from again, and remains blacklisted by PABA.

K of C hall of dilapidated fame: Smokes, Bangis, Isabela Gold, The Mouth, Slo-Mo, The Camera, Boy Orinola, Boy Tigidig, The Cat, Waning Abdul Salamat, etc.