Send this to ten people...

Email is a wonderful thing, even for a technologically challenged soul like me. I no longer spend a fortune on Christmas and birthday cards and postage stamps, because I can send free e-cards.

I receive a lot of them too, but the problem is I haven’t quite figured out how to open these things, so I never get to see the dancing snowmen or the prancing reindeer or the stars that twinkle. But I do know who thought enough of me and believed enough in my computer abilities to send me such a card.

I haven’t learned either how to bar all those junk mail which are, for some reason I haven’t figured out, called spam; thank goodness I don’t eat the stuff anymore. So everyday I get a whole bunch of mail selling replica watches and Cialis tablets, and come-ons on how to please my mate and asking if I want to help this guy move a couple hundred million dollars out of some strife-torn African nation, with a hefty commission for my trouble.

While the "Delete" key is one’s best friend in such cases, it isn’t so with those pass-on emails from people you know...a cousin who doesn’t work, a secretary with not much real work to do, a well-meaning but oh-so-gullible friend.

To recap a year’s worth of such email–do they fall under the "spam" category or are they in a class all their own?–I received the other day the following email. In the spirit of Christmas I am forwarding this to all of you reading this magazine on this wonderful day of the year, with the thought that I have done all my "forwarding" with this one article.

As another year will shortly be a memory, my heartfelt appreciation goes out to all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me "forwards" over the past 12 months. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Extra thanks for the ones that I have to open 15 times to get to the message.

Special thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to go get a wet towel every time I need to seal an envelope.

Also, I scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason. Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I also no longer drink Pepsi, or Dr Pepper, since the people who make these products are atheists who won’t put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone might drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from, nor send packages by, UPS or FedEx, since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone, because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC, because their "chickens" are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer have any sneakers – but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer have to buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus, since I now have their recipe.

I no longer worry about my soul, because at last count I have 363,214 angels looking out for me.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer have any savings, because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die in the hospital (for the 1,387,258th time).

I no longer have any money at all –but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.

Yes, I want to thank you so much for looking out for me that I will now return the favor!

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large pigeon with a wicked case of diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of mine’s next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.

Have a very Merry Christmas!