Tiger moms, kitten moms: Which one are you?

Last Tuesday’s Bulong Pulungan lunch forum at the Sofitel Philippine Plaza was a post-Mother’s Day celebration. The mothers in the room — including septuagenarian Charito Planas, who has raised a daughter she found abandoned in the Quezon Circle over 10 years ago — were serenaded by George Sison Tagle of The Angelos and given long-stemmed yellow roses (sent by Executive Secretary Jojo Ochoa).

Special guest was PCSO chairman Margie Juico, a working mother for most her life and who has successfully blended her roles of wife, mother, career woman and government official without losing her spirituality and femininity.

As PCSO chairman, Margie and general manager Jose Ferdinand Rojas had a lot of cleaning up to do in the government agency and she thinks being a woman was and is an asset in her job.

“A woman is a domestic manager — she takes care of her husband and children, prepares and oversees the menu, balances the budget,” says Margie, who was also the Appointments Secretary of Corazon Aquino while the latter was President. “I think women are better managers because of their experience in running the home.”

Margie also says a woman has empathy for her subordinates, especially, the women.

She recalled that when Mrs. Aquino was President, she made sure her appointments (not her work) started at 9 a.m. and her last appointment booked at 4 p.m., so even if it would run late, it wouldn’t run till the late hours.

“She was very conscious that those who worked for her would have a life outside of work,” recalled Margie, a mother of four and grandmother of three (going on four). She was very considerate even of her househelp. She made it a point to know about their lives, their children, their children’s work.

Cory was Chief Executive but she also knew what her cupboard and freezer at home contained. She made time to cook and would bring to work the next day samples of what she had whipped up in the kitchen the night before.

When rebel soldiers attacked Malacañang in December 1989, the ever-considerate Cory told Margie to leave the Palace and go home to her family. But before Margie left, Cory entrusted to her Ninoy’s prized diaries for safekeeping. Margie just wept upon seeing them because then she knew her boss Cory was ready to die at her post.

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Chay Santiago of Mod asked Margie what she thought of “Tiger Moms” — that breed of mothers described by Amy Chua who raised their children like they were in boot camp. Yet children of Tiger Moms, according to Chua, excelled in their studies and in their professional lives.

Chua, in an article titled “Why Chinese Mothers are Superior” in the Wall Street Journal, wrote: “A lot of people wonder how Chinese parents raise such stereotypically successful kids. They wonder what these parents do to produce so many math whizzes and music prodigies, what it’s like inside the family, and whether they could do it, too. Well, I can tell them, because I’ve done it. Here are some things my daughters, Sophia and Louisa, were never allowed to do: attend a sleepover, have a playdate, be in a school play, complain about not being in a school play, watch TV or play computer games, choose their own extracurricular activities, get any grade less than an A, not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama, play any instrument other than the piano or violin, not play the piano or violin.”

Margie said mothers have different ways of rearing their children. She herself simply asked her four children Dinggay, Vincent, Joseph and Mayen to just give her passing marks in school. But she impressed upon them the need to be aware of social concerns and to do their best in responding to them, so that others would also have a chance at the privileged life they had.

And yet, says Margie, her eldest daughter Dinggay is raising her children on a strict schedule of schoolwork, rest, study and minimal recreation on schooldays. She tutors them every day. Her children are discouraged from eating chocolates and even when tempted (“Look, your parents are not here.”), the boys politely refuse to eat the chocolates.

Dinggay’s eldest was accepted into Standford University’s enrichment program, and the two little ones are also excelling in school.

“I think for every mother, the approach differs from child to child,” says Margie.

Mariasun Azcuna, wife of former Supreme Court Justice Adolf Azcuna, agrees. She said that in Finland, children are not raised with homework, and yet they do very well in international competitions as well.

She also cautions that in societies where there are “Tiger Moms,” the suicide rate is high.

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My own mother Sonia did not have a strict schedule at home for us, her four daughters. She just made sure there was warm merienda waiting for us when we got home. She would remind us about our homework and tutor us when we had an exam. But she did not put a lock on the TV set either to prevent us from watching TV. Maybe because we were aware that both Dad and Mom expected us to get high grades, we policed ourselves. We had inner timers that reminded us when it was time to turn off the lights and hit the sack. One of my sisters just refused to let herself be pressured and would sleep early even if she had an exam the next day and was not done memorizing the Periodic Table. One sister would simply not sleep till she memorized the next day’s lessons. Mom just let both of my sisters be. At the end of the day, Mom did not want us to sacrifice our health and the fun of being children for high grades. Dad played the bad cop and wanted us to give our studies every ounce of mental and physical strength we had. But on our own, we found a balance.

When my son Chino was in grade school, I helped him with his homework and made reviewers for him when he had exams. But he was such a low-maintenance child and did not need close supervision with his studies. I worked in the office till about 8 to 9 p.m. when he was in his intermediate years, but I made sure I woke up with him at dawn every school day to get him ready for his school bus. Looking back, I just hoped I made him feel I was there for him whenever he needed me even when I was not breathing down his neck as he did his homework. I wasn’t a Tiger Mom, but like every mom, I navigated by instinct, rearing my son the best way I could and hoping ultimately that my son not just excels, but is happy.

As Tita Cory did with those around her — I want my son to have not just a living, but also a life.

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