Valentine's 101

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man’s 15,000.

The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...”

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

* * *

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.” The husband said, “You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”

Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.” Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.......... “HEBREWS”

* * *

There will always be jokes about why marriages last, but fact is a long and beautiful marriage is a serious matter. Marriage is one of life’s most remarkable compounds — as amazing as how an H2 and an O can combine to make something as fluid and as nourishing as water.

It is hard not to be infected with the Valentine’s Day bug (I have long been dropping atomic bombs of a hint to my husband about how we should spend it), but it is really the romance that continues to hold after Valentine’s Day, the feelings that remain fresh after the roses have wilted, that make for true love.

Statistics show that married people live longer than their single counterparts — and not because nagging is an antioxidant (or is it?).

Studies say that in a marriage or a long-term relationship, one partner looks out for the other — some wives actually check if their husbands are still breathing in the middle of the night!

A poster couple on the benefits of marriage is none other than my in-laws, Carlos Ramirez and the former Lutgarda Quintans. If marriage were a product, they would be the perfect endorsers. Bright, alert and in good health, they will mark their 59th wedding anniversary on Feb. 18. Blessed with five children — Peewee, Elvira, Ed (my husband), Edith and Beth, five grandchildren and one (going on two) great-grandchildren and over 60 years (including their courtship) of happy memories, Pappy and Mommy are happy, healthy and content.

Really, if I need a guiding light when my own marriage finds itself lost, I need not look far.

Since it is Valentine’s Day on Saturday and their wedding anniversary four days later, I asked my in-laws the secret to their union.

“There is no secret!” Pappy answered immediately. “Marriage is about understanding each other. We are but human, we are not perfect, we each have our failings and idiosyncrasies.”

He believes that for a marriage to be near-perfect, husbands and wives should be tolerant of each other’s imperfections.

Mommy echoes Pappy’s advice. “There should be give and take in a marriage.”

A pious woman, she would hear early morning Mass every day if her health permitted it, walking from their home in Arellano St. in Manila to the nearby St. Scholastica’s College chapel. She tells me that God should always be in the center of the family.

Mommy believes that in order for a marriage to be successful, one should make sacrifices. I suppose that means that each partner must give up something displeasing to the other, or offer something to the other and to the children that is obtained with some hardship. In the end, sacrifices bear fruit.

Mommy also feels that when a relationship hits a snag, a couple should seek the help of a counselor.

“Those having a problem cannot solve it by themselves,” she stresses. Mommy herself counsels others and offers prayers for them; my father-in-law often jokes that she should put a sign outside their house about her “powers.”

In the early years of their marriage, my mother-in-law lived with her in-laws, the Ramirezes, which included father-in-law, mother-in-law, aunt-in-law and three sisters-in-law.

It must have been tough for the young bride that she was, even if her in-laws were good people.

This is where Mommy learned the value of humility.

“When you live with your in-laws, humility is the key to getting along with them. There are matters on which you won’t agree, things in the house that you will want to fix but can’t, and sometimes, you feel you really cannot bring out your talent because it is not your house,” she shares.

Mommy not only got along with her in-laws, they also respected her and when she and Pappy moved to their own house in the same compound, they gave each other the gift of space. I myself never had in-law problems (even if my husband is the only son, whom you would normally expect to be a Mama’s boy, which he was thankfully not) because Pappy and Mommy bequeathed to me the same gift — respect and space.

* * *

My husband and I have been married for 23 years now and will mark our 24th year this November. I don’t know if I have earned the stripes to counsel newlyweds, but here’s some unsolicited advice to those who hope to spend more Valentine’s Days together.

Build and treasure memories, like they were precious gems, because they are. My husband and I like to travel and we display and preserve pictures of our trips together (third, fourth, fifth honeymoons.) Travel really brings a different glow to your eyes and a new spring to your marriage that make the fuel charges all worth it.

When our marriage hits a pothole, sometimes a crater, all we have to do is look at our pictures together and somehow we are able to negotiate the obstacle course ahead.

There is one particular picture we like. Taken in front of the Royal Palace in Madrid amidst yellow tulips in bloom, the snapshot shows me standing behind my husband but with both arms around him. We both are wearing carefree smiles.

I once told my14-year-old niece Patricia, when she was looking at the photos on a console table in our foyer, that when my marriage suffers a tear, that picture always mends it.

“I like that quote, Tita Joanne,” Patricia said.

Come to think of it, I like that quote, too.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

(You may e-mail me at [email protected])