‘When the colors of your rainbow are never the same again’

I have not seen a grown woman wail, except by her dead child’s body. I’ve seen Mary weeping by her son’s feet, nailed to the cross, in movies depicting the crucifixion. I have no reason to believe that Mel Gibson exaggerated Mary’s grief.

I remember seeing pictures and footage of Doña Aurora Aquino cradling her son Ninoy’s bloodied body in the morgue of Fort Bonifacio. She looked like she was chanting a song of grief.

I lost a baby girl 13 years ago when she was but 22 weeks in my womb. I held her only once, all too briefly, in my arms, before she flew to heaven, but I still think of her.

Mothers never really get over the grief of burying their children. But mothers who have lost children can be happy again. They can and do move on.

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"When you start to accept that the colors of your rainbow will never be the same again, when you start to accept that there will always be a void in your life that cannot be filled, then a certain peace will come over you. And then you move on. I don’t think I will ever get over the loss of Miko – I have accepted that – but I have moved on." Ali Sotto, who lost her youngest son Miko in an accident in December 2003, tearfully told me when I asked her about the Ina Foundation which she had formed with Gina de Venecia, wife of Speaker Joe de Venecia. Gina had lost her youngest daughter KC in a fire that gutted their Dasmariñas Village home last December.

Like KC, Miko died during the Christmas season, and therefore Gina and Ali have had to face a period of sorrow during a season of gaiety. They are finding strength in each other (When Gina saw Ali at KC’s wake last year, they clung to each other for almost 15 minutes) and in the other women in their foundation.

"We are recharged by each other’s company. We feed on the hope that the other gives," Ali adds. They take comfort in sharing their painful experiences – the "drowning" sensations, the feelings of guilt, the temptation to give up on life.

But another grieving mother can become a life raft for another grieving mother. In Ina Foundation, they are all helping each other stay afloat.

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One rainy afternoon, Gina de Venecia met with a group of mothers at her parents’ home in Quezon City. "Welcome to Valencia gardens, the home of my parents and where I lived as a little girl," she said. "This is a place full of beautiful memories and happiness for me. I think it is only fitting that we gather here today to try and take a little bit of that happiness from our surroundings and to celebrate the lives of our sons and daughters who today enjoy the company of our Lord."

It was not an ordinary gathering. In fact, it was the second meeting for the organizers of Ina Foundation, composed of mothers bound by love for their children who have already passed away.

Inspired by Manay Gina’s own struggle for survival after losing her youngest daughter KC, the foundation was established to provide psychological support to bereaved mothers through programs and projects aimed at helping them to move on from a place of grief to a place of hope, and empowering them to reach out to others.

Ali Sotto also served as a catalyst in co-founding this advocacy. She herself lost her beloved son, Miko, in an accident. Together with the other grieving mothers, they are translating their experiences by bringing mothers who have undergone the pain of losing a child to create a humanitarian synergy and provide a venue towards the emotional healing of all mothers, who have been deeply wounded by the untimely demise of their children.

Ina Foundation is slowly working its way to being a source of strength and inspiration to uproot mothers from the grief and yield them to continue living their lives through the support of concerned members. They also discussed the possibility of creating a nationwide network of grief counselors, with the help of the Department of Social Welfare and Development (DSWD). Mrs. De Venecia noted this need and cited as example the grief counselors in modern countries like the US who provide free counseling to surviving victims of tragedies, such as the 9-11.

During the meeting, they also shared their life testimonies and narrated their challenges and struggles through the difficult period of mourning. Learning from their brave testimonials, they are now helping other mothers who are hopeful to rebuild their lives.

The foundation’s incorporators are lawyer Lorna Kapunan, Jean Goulbourn, Kathy Guballa, Dingdong Liwanag, Bibi Yu and Baby Tiaoqui, with chairman Gina de Venecia, vice chairman Ali Sotto and treasurer Le Lagdameo. Social Welfare and Development Assistant Secretary Alice Bala and Dr. Ma. Lourdes Carandang, former director of Doctoral Program in Clinical Psychology of Ateneo de Manila University, serve as advisers.

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One book that has helped Ali so much is When the Bough Breaks by Dr. Judith R. Bernstein, Ph.D. It mirrors the grief and the struggle of a bereaved mother and the ways she can move on. Right now, Ali and her husband Omar are working on another baby. At 44, Ali’s hormones are still "perfect" according to her gynecologist. Ali is not seeking to replace the color she had lost in her rainbow when she lost Miko. But she wants her rainbow to stay.

(For inquiries about Ina Foundation, please call 813-6257.)

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