Regrets

At the end of 2013, I look back with regret at all the things I wanted to do but was not able to.

First, I wanted to be pope, but Pope Francis beat me to it. In theory, the Papal Conclave can choose anyone on earth to be pope, so there was nothing to prevent the good Cardinals of the Roman Catholic Church from plucking me out of the most Catholic country in the world. The Philippines, after all, is even more Catholic than Ireland, Italy, or Spain, which have legalized divorce. I could have been a shining example of what Catholicism is all about.

As pope, the first thing I would have done would have been to follow Pope Kiril in “The Shoes of the Fisherman.” I would have donated the wealth of the Catholic Church to the vast majority of people on earth who have nothing to eat, nothing to wear, nothing to look forward to. That would have fulfilled the biblical command to feed the hungry and clothe the naked. Fortunately, Pope Francis appears to have read the same novel and watched the same movie.

Failing to become the head of the world’s Catholics, I wanted to become the Traffic Czar of Metro Manila. I could have solved the world’s worst traffic problems with a few simple steps.

I would have put a snake pit with live cobras in the middle of every street, except for pedestrian lanes. That would have stopped all pedestrians from jaywalking.

I would have put spikes as dividers of lanes on the road. That would have stopped all vehicles from swerving here and there and would have forced them to stick to their lanes.

I would have put up ten-foot-high cement barriers between bus lanes and car lanes. That would have forced buses to keep to their lanes.

I would have put automatic machine guns that would riddle intersections with bullets during stop lights (okay, maybe not lethal bullets, just bullets filled with itching powder). That would have forced drivers never to enter intersections when it was obvious that their cars would block cars coming from intersecting streets.

I would have placed a tax of a thousand percent on every private vehicle. Or I would have banned private vehicles altogether. To be able to do that, I would have had to set up a working and adequate public vehicle system. That would have been easy to do, since I would also have stopped the bleeding of public funds due to fake NGOs, fake SAROs, undervaluations of taxes, commissions from suppliers, and the like.

I would have given every traffic cop a P10,000 bonus for every violation they ticketed. That would have stopped kotong immediately.

Failing to become Traffic Czar, I wanted to become, at the very least, an undercover traffic cop. I would have pulled every car that honked at me, cut in front of me, passed me, and so on, and given the drivers tickets. Of course, I would have had to become invincible, like Superman or Iron Man, because traffic violators have been known to bully or punch traffic enforcers, run away from them, or even shoot them.

Since I did not become pope, traffic czar, or undercover traffic cop, I was willing to set my targets low and become just a politician. I would have had zillions of money in my bathtub, not to mention having a bathtub to begin with. I would have used the money to help the poor. I would have been a good Robin Hood. I would have robbed the poor to help the poor. Needless to say, I believe strongly in the adage that charity begins at home, so the first and perhaps the only poor person I would help would be myself.

2013 was not a good year for me, then, because I did not fulfil any of my New Year’s Resolutions. I intend to make 2014 a better year. So I have set down modest goals for myself for the year.

I intend to breed cholesterol-free pigs, so I can have my crispy pata, lechon de leche, and chicharong bulaklak without having to be scolded every time I see my cardiologist.

I intend to formulate an exercise-free, diet-free, drug-free regime that will trim my waistline to half its size, reduce my weight to the standard limits, and give me abs that will be the envy of every man alive, including those pictured in men’s magazines. That will stop casual acquaintances from remarking how fat I am.

I am told, however, that “Ang taba mo!” [“How fat you have become!”] is a typical Filipino way of greeting friends, equivalent to “Saan ka pupunta?” [“Where are you going?”], “Kumain ka na ba?” [“Have you had breakfast and/or morning merienda and/or lunch and/or afternoon merienda and/or dinner?”], and “Buhay ka pa!” [“I’m glad to see that you have not died!”] Those greetings are not meant to be literal but are merely formulas to start conversations.

Finally, I intend to take myself seriously this year and not dream of impossible things. On the other hand, I could still become The Voice or even the second Filipino astronaut.