To be a man

(Part II – ‘Dalaga Ka Na,’ When a Girl Becomes a Woman)

Letting go is the key to peaceful and meaningful coexistence between parent and teenager. As parents, we are concerned that life goes “right” for them. As teenagers, they are fighting to be the masters of their own destiny. To let go when we want to hold on and continue to guide them requires the utmost generosity and love.

Between puberty and adolescence, a young boy is very vulnerable in this modern world… If only all the beer and whisky ads would be redirected to give the right message of manhood, then these million-peso ads would definitely build this nation instead of destroying it.

Introducing the signs of growing-up

Sometime in the ’70s, the assurance of a male pupil attracted my attention. Christopher Laurel, the youngest son of the late Vice-President Salvador Laurel, was only five years old when he caught my attention in one political party, often celebrated in the Laurel gardens in Shaw Boulevard. “What a charming and bright-looking little man. I wish he would be enrolled at our Montessori preschool,” I told Ms. Celia Diaz-Laurel. He stayed five years in a traditional school before Celia decided to transfer the “little politician” and his sister, Iwi to our school in Sta. Ana.

Christopher’s appeal to girls was instant. All the pretty and bright girls had a crush on him, including my daughter, Rachelle. Meantime, the boys resented Kris, as he was known in school, because he was aggressive, very direct and opinionated.

After I talked to the girls, I concentrated on the Grade VI boys the next day in Christopher’s class: “Boys, have you noticed that the girls are growing taller and heavier much ahead of you?” That’s only natural. (Grade VII was not obligatory yet.) Next year, you will start to catch up. Watch out especially in high school. You will shoot up like a bamboo, even in spurts of three inches within a month. Meantime, watch out now for the message of Mother Nature as she accompanies your growing into a man. Although you will enjoy running in the sun and fields, playing rough games, and climbing trees, which reduce you to very sweaty students during the day, you will soon lose that vinegar smell. It will be replaced by another body smell, because new hormones of growth are being produced. Frequent bathing and fresh change of underwear and clothes is a must. A lump will also grow in your neck. This Adam’s apple accompanies the change of your voice. Do not be alarmed if you begin to croak like a frog, and sometimes speak in the high-pitched voice of a woman. In due time, you will acquire a man’s low and loud voice like that of your father’s.”

The facts of life and its accompanying responsibilities

Introducing cultural information, I would remind them: “In many countries, the official ceremony for becoming a man is circumcision. This is done before the teen years. Who of you have been circumcised?” (Blushes, fidgeting), Kris raises his hand readily with two other brave boys.

All these signs of growing up, of course, include your developing a strong interest in girls. Adolescence springs a lot of surprises to boys and girls. Looking at each other is fun. It is accompanied by thrills, excitement, new sensation and self-conscious movements. Traumas and nightmares can be psychologically damaging when the facts of life are not introduced properly and corresponding responsibilities are taught.

Being combative, Kris would tend to hurt his classmates. As a patrol leader, he would even ask his scouts to look at the sun as a form of punishment. But given difficult tasks like pitching tents and building fences and bridges, Kris would be in his elements. Although he had a hard time concentrating, he did his best in academic work and had a beautiful and neat penmanship. Signs of being well-bred and gentlemanly showed in his daily wear of very neatly ironed monogrammed school uniforms with a fresh man’s handkerchief that was slightly scented.

The masculine virtues of a grade school child

Christopher would repeat my lesson at the family table, according to Celia and Doy. One Saturday, over lunch, Christopher announced, “Dad, I learned that to be a man one must cultivate the masculine virtues of hard work. We should channel our love for girls by being protective towards them. Mrs. Soliven insists that the right time to date is when a young man can afford it from his own earnings.”

That was inspiring coming from our aggressive son,” Doy recounted with misty eyes. But what brought the house down was when he proclaimed: “Do you know that although ladies have their monthly menstruation, men have also a particular emission. Mrs. Soliven calls it ‘white menstruation.’ We should watch out for it. It can come anytime of the day but more frequently at night when we are lost in our dreams. It is also known as wet dreams.”

We had no high school department then. Kris and his classmates went to different high schools. Their new classmates were usually in closely knit groups, which were difficult to break into. They missed their old school so much that they would drop by frequently after class to say hello.

A tribute to Christopher

In one party reunion, Kris, who was much talked about at the UP Integrated High School, where he got into a few predicaments badly affecting his grades, gave me a wise observation of life: “At our O.B. Montessori school, you taught us that everything in life is good. You conditioned us to do good with all the prepared indoor and outdoor activities. At UP, I learned that life has two pathways, the good and the bad. Man is free to choose. I was curious about the other path and I tried. Now, I have been physically hurt. My parents and teachers are disappointed. My suspension from school is a very serious lesson in my life. Next time I know better.”

Kris became a working student in another high school. He did not do as well. One evening, as he stood by their gate at Shaw Boulevard, a huge truck rumbled by. The old thick wall of the residence fell on him, severing one foot. Despite undergoing eight operations, he never fully recovered and was in comatose during the following decades. If Kris’ life was arrested at 20, I would like to think that no matter how short his life was, he was destined by God in his mysterious ways, to show us how a boy struggles against so much odds to become a man. Christopher died on March 27, 2008 at the age of 47.

(Part III – Discipline and Morality)

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