‘Dalaga ka na’ (when a girl becomes a woman)

In 1991, I wrote a column for adolescence, Under the Heart is a Little Room. My introduction recalled my experience when I turned 13.

One of my unforgettable experiences in my childhood was experiencing an unusual bleeding in my body. It was strange, for I was not wounded or in pain. I was 13 and I was on my way to church. Naturally, in my confusion, I ran to Mama to ask her what was happening to my body. Mama calmed me down, “It is menstruation. It comes to all girls when they become a lady. Dalaga ka na.”

Something strange is happening to my body

When puberty comes (usually between 10 to 13 years), it is time for parents and teachers to teach a very special lesson. Since this story of love is different for each sex, boys and girls should be taught differently. For the girls, it starts this way: “Under every girl’s heart is a little room, the womb. Mother Nature cares for it very carefully so she calls the girl’s attention with several physical changes in her body. After her daily bath, a girl of ten would feel a button in her breast. In a few months time, it would feel heavier like a marble. Eventually, it would be like a sinigwelas (a plum). By then, it is time to wear the first bra.”

“At about this time, Mother Nature would cover the private parts of her body with hair. In addition, the womb would develop a thick lining, a mattress of blood. Since it would not yet be used, it would flow out every month as menstruation (from the Latin word “mensile” or monthly). One day, it would nourish and carry life.”

Celebrating God’s gift to a young lady

I came upon an article written by a French mother, “Our Little Girl is a Young Woman.”

“When Jacqueline happily told me what had happened, I kissed her. Then together, we improvised a prayer, thanking God for His goodness to her. There was now in her a source of life, hidden but nonetheless real. Together, we went to tell her father who gave her the small gift that we had selected some time before. He told Jacqueline that from that on, she would choose her own clothes. I would go with her, we explained, to make sure that her choice was not too expensive, but I would respect her tastes.” That won’t be an easy thing to do.

“At dinner that night, we had a little celebration. We took the opportunity to explain things to her younger brother. We made sure that he has sufficient appreciation of feminine dignity so that he would treat women with proper respect.

“To be frank, I couldn’t help envying my daughter a little. I thought that she’s so lucky to have parents like us. I remembered my own childhood and the shame I experienced when I began to mature. But then, I thanked God for allowing us to live in the faith. ALL THAT GOD HAS MADE IS GOOD AND HOW STUPID WE ARE TO DRAG DOWN TO OUR HUMAN LEVEL – TO DEFORM AND CORRUPT WHAT GOD INTENDS TO BE GREAT AND BEAUTIFUL.”

An adolescent isn’t conscious of his dignity, it must be revealed to him

An adolescent is not conscious of his dignity, it must be revealed to him. He is vulnerable and we must help him because he is weak and uneasy. He has, after all, just become a repository of life.

This life came to him from the very source of life, from the hands of God. It contains in itself the life of his parents and through it they live in him. The spark of life moves, burns, and demands to be passed on.

        THE ENTRY INTO ADOLESCENCE BY A GIRL OR BOY IS A SIGN FROM GOD THAT HE HAS CONFERRED ON THEM AN EXTRAORDINARY DIGNITY, BUT IT ALSO ENTAILS A GREAT RESPONSIBILITY. This noblest mission assigned by God to His sons was given to man at the time of his creation: “Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth.” When they accomplish it in love, they resemble the Almighty. Like Him and with Him, they are creators.

Every man must give life, either physically or spiritually. A life, which does not bear fruit, is a failure. Physical development is the sign, in the flesh, of God’s eternal plan for man.

A child is worthy of infinite respect because he is innocence himself. The adolescence is worthy of the same respect because he has a promise of what is to come.

The body of an adolescen no longer belongs to his parents

So far as the parents are concerned, this essential step by their child towards maturity is an invitation from God to purify their love. He reminds them that, although they have ‘given’ life, it is not theirs to hold on to.

A child is entirely in the hands of his / her parents: BODY, HEART and MIND. They must let it go, so that it, too, may give life. The adolescent must gradually receive from their hands, sole responsibility for himself. For the young man must possess his entire self, if he is to be able to give himself to others.

The BODY, HEART, MIND and LIFE of an adolescent no longer belong to his parents. It belongs to him. The parents must accept the fact that their child wants less and less attention from them. They must help the adolescent develop that body in a healthy and balanced manner. They must clothe it, care for it, respect it and ensure that it is respected by others. They must prepare their child for the day when he will be totally on his own.

The parents must accept that their child has less and less need for their presence as well as for the expression of their affection. They must help him learn to love truly in friendship and in giving himself to others. They must prepare him for the day when his heart is wholly his own.

The parents must accept the fact that their child no longer wishes to follow them blindly. However, they must help him think for himself, to form his own opinions, to develop his own tastes, and to establish his own motivations. They must prepare him for the day when he will truly be a mature adult.

The parents must recognize that their child wishes gradually to free himself from the obligation of purely passive obedience. They must help him to make decisions for himself, judge for himself, and speak for himself. The Convention on the Rights of the Child (CRC), specifies the right to express his / her opinions. Soon, he will be ready to exercise his full freedom as man.

The painful detachment of loving an adolescent

It is difficult to love, because to love is to renounce oneself for the sake of another. Self-renunciation is always very painful. When a child comes into the world, it detaches itself from the body of its mother and the mother bleeds. When an adult comes into the world, he must likewise detach himself from his parents, and his parents’ hearts will bleed.

The greatness of man is his ability to create himself. The success of a teacher consists in being able to say, “My student no longer needs me.” The grandeur of parents consists in their having propagated the life, which they carried in themselves. Their mission is to transmit that life, and to withdraw gradually when they see it begin to bloom in their children.

How unhappy they are who, through selfishness, interrupt or break the cycle of life.

A public paradox

In matters of sex, attitudes speak louder than words. What is our society’s true attitude toward sex? What is our conception of high morality? We have models of wealth and ideals of heroism. We know what is great in art and who excels in science. But as a society, we lack models of moral excellence.

Quoting Dr. Haim G. Ginott, Between Parents and Teens, “Thoughtful teenagers are puzzled by a prevalent public paradox. On the one hand, our society is sex-obsessed and money-motivated. For fun and profit, sex is smeared on screens, blown-up on billboards, and used for commercial enticement. On the other hand, society says it believes in premarital abstinence. This situation creates conflict and tension. As one eighteen-year-old said, “If society permits public sources of stimulation, it cannot prohibit private sources of relief.”

(Part II – To Be a Man)

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