Preparing our teenagers for manhood

The construction of Man goes through three periods: infancy, childhood, and adolescence. The most sensitive are infancy and adolescence. The seriousness of infant mortality parallels teenage mortality. In every land, the rich and poor are afflicted with it.

Society is especially aware of its turbulent teenagers. Everyone wants to be young — but not that young! The adolescent years are stressful and threatening — especially in this generation. What family or neighborhood today is spared of unwanted teen pregnancies, suicide, drug addiction and other forms of fatal maladjustment?

Just as learning in the first six years of life is achieved through “movement education,” adolescent learning is “emotional education.” Fr. Varela, the prominent Jesuit educator, gave a speech at the Soroptomist International Convention almost ten years ago that focused on this. Addressing professional women from 47 provincial chapters (mind you, not high school students), he cited the Philippines’ dire need for “the education of emotions” parallel to academic education.

What is emotion? Dr, James Dobson author of Dare to Discipline, said the following:

Every experience appears king-size in the adolescent period

“Everything is felt more strongly during childhood, and especially during adolescence. Do you remember the first chocolate bar of fruit candy that you ate as a child? Can you recall how good it tasted, how the sweet flavor filled your mouth? I was given my first piece of delicious candy dropped from the sky. It came from small white bags of American fighter planes dropped to Manila when they came back to liberate the city. Do you remember your first ferris-wheel ride? Do you remember your first trip to the dentist?

The point is that when you’re young, the good things seem more astounding and the bad things are more intolerable. It means that your own feelings will probably become ever more intense during the next few years. That’s just the way adolescence is. Little things that won’t bother you later in life will bug you as a teenager. Your fears will be more frightening, your pleasure will be more exciting, your irritations will be more distressing, and your frustrations will be more intolerable.

“Every experience will appear king-sized during early adolescence. That’s why teenagers are often so explosive, why they sometimes do things without thinking and then regret their behavior later.”

The cyclical emotions

All emotions move up and down, year in and year out. We are all “yoyos” in that way. Therefore, when you’re emotionally high, expect to come down; and when you hit rock bottom expect to go up. Emotions are cyclical. They follow patterns influenced by the amount of sleep you had, your health, and how things are going in your life.

THE UNRELIABLE IMPRESSIONS — These are inner thoughts that you believe come from God or somewhere unknown. You seem to “hear” a message within your mind such as “Your life is almost over,” or “You are going insane.” Sweat forms on your forehead, and your mouth dries. Your hands sweat and your heart races. These impressions can lead you to make wrong decisions, whether to get married suddenly, move to another town, quit school or leave home.

When these unreliable impressions come, just remember God rarely makes demands that require instant change. Take a few days or weeks to look at all sides of the issue. Pray for God’s guidance, blessing and leading. Talk to another trusted person. Give yourself plenty of time to think. Don’t make any big decisions while you’re confused. When you’re not sure what to do, avoid the final choice for as long as possible.

THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE — This “conflict between generations” usually arises during adolescence.

Tasting independence

When a young person turns 14, 15 or 16 years old, he tastes independence, and soon demands total freedom. He wants to make his own decisions and run his own life. He resents the control of his parents and tries to prove he is no longer a child. Mom and dad, however, know that their child is not ready for complete freedom (independence). He still needs their leadership in certain arrears. Thus, a painful struggle that may last for three or four years.

There is another dimension to this conflict. While the teenager is demanding complete independence from parental authority, he also insists on being very dependent in other area. For example, he wants hot meals on the table three times a day and expects his shirts to be ironed, and his doctor bills to be paid, and his socks to be washed. In other words, he wants freedom without responsibility. This will not work. If a person is not yet ready to accept all responsibilities of living, then he is not ready for unrestricted freedom.

This tension is part of growing up. It doesn’t mean that you don’t love your mom and dad or that they don’t love you. It’s natural. The best thing for you to do is talk to them openly about these matters.

If you feel they are not giving you the independence that is consistent with your age, quietly say so. Tell them you feel you are old enough to make more decisions for yourself (and take the responsibility for that goes with them.) However, be reasonable. I advise that you yield to their leadership when they feel strongly about an issue. They do, after all, have your best interest at heart.

No longer mama’s boy but….

You want your friends to think you are a grown up, and being seen with your folks seems babyish. This is especially true on “date nights.” My generation had the practice of high school girls being chaperoned, to the extent of being accompanied by nursemaids.

Then comes graduation day. Many graduates fear parents focusing their cameras on them in front of their classmates. Resentment builds up as each one thinks: “I feel ridiculous with that camera pointed at me. I don’t want to be a little kid anymore, who is being filmed by his papa. That was what he would have done if I were three years old and had been given a new tricycle.” You are embarrassed when your folks are around your friends. Its not that you don’t love them; it’s just that you want to grow up and you worry about peer pressure.

One mother used this social pressure to make her son shape up. When he was in sophomore year, he preferred to be a goof-off rather than work, study and learn. Some teachers didn’t know how to control their students very well. He and his friends enjoyed disrupting their classes. His grades began to drop, as expected. His mother somehow knew he was playing games, even before grades were distributed.

One day she told him “I know what you’re doing in school. Not only could you be making better grades, but I’m sure you’re disrupting the class, too. I’ve been thinking about what I should do. I could punish you or take away your privileges, or visit your principal. But I’ve decided to do none of those. In fact, I’m not going to do anything. However, if your teacher or principal ever calls to complain, the very next day I plan to go to school with you and sit by you in all your classes. I’ll hold your hand as you walk down the hall and I’ll be two feet behind you as you stand with your friends. I’ll have my arm draped around your neck through the entire day at school. You won’t be able to get away from me for a minute! “ Believe me, that scared him to death.

Discovering that you’re a nice person after all

Closely related to this time of confusion is another major event of adolescence, the SEARCH FOR IDENTITY. The teenager’s quest for his identity should be transformed into habitual spiritual reflection… Do you know who you are? What you want in life? Your own strengths and weaknesses? What you believe about God? Do you like the “image” your friends have of you? After you get to know your assets and limitations, you will find it easier to convert your minuses into pluses. You might discover then that you are a rather nice person, after all.