The joy and headaches of holiday get-togethers

We are a clannish society. Throughout the year, weddings, baptisms, birthdays, and anniversary parties bring together the families. But, the most exciting reunion happens during Christmas and New Year.

Dr. Phillip C. Mc Graw’s daily TV talk show, “Dr. Phil”, can be seen around the world, but his show hasn’t been seen in the Philippines yet. He is author of six best-selling books; the latest is Real Life (Free Press). Here’s his advice for surviving typical holiday scenarios modified to Philippine setting:

SCENARIO 1: Your uncle always comes for dinner of lechon and kare kare, drinks too much, then argues about politics. How do you keep things under control?

Let your uncle know in advance that this year’s celebration is neither the time nor the place for him to misbehave. You can either lay down some very specific rules – no drinking and no talking politics, for starters – or you can disinvite him. If you choose the first option, you need to talk to him ahead of time; be direct because rude people don’t pick up on subtle cues. Then stick to the rules, even if it means taking him aside if he acts up and asking him to leave.

SCENARIO 2: You have been very good about sticking to your diet and don’t want to find yourself sliding back. How can you resist the pressure from your pushy family to eat a big, decadent meal?

Dr. Phil grew up in a family that shared food to show love, so he knows this can be a sensitive subject. To avoid hurt feelings, talk to your family ahead of time. You might say: “I have a lot invested in what I am doing, so please do not take offense if I either bring my own food or turn down something you have worked hard to make. This is really important to me, and I appreciate your support.” If you decide you are going to eat what is served, consider having a healthy snack at home first so you do not show up famished and end up overindulging.

SCENARIO 3: Your aunt is the worst gift giver. How do you diplomatically steer her in the right direction?

Why do you care what your aunt gives you? You do not have to like her gift – just graciously accept it, thank her, and then give it to charity or even throw it away. But if your goal is to encourage your aunt to be a better gift giver, come up with creative ways to do so. Suggest she make a donation to your favorite charity in your name. or agree to give each other books and suggest a list of titles. But no matter what, try to remember how lucky you are that your aunt is alive, that you get to spend time together, and that she cares enough to buy you a gift at all.

SCENARIO 4: You want to relax, but you are a perfectionist about the gifts, the décor, and the food. How do you keep from becoming so wiped out that you can’t really enjoy the season?

Take a closer look at what is motivating you. You may think you are working hard to ensure that everyone else has a lovely time, but the more likely reason you’re killing yourself is the need to be in control. If your goal is to create a great holiday for your loved ones, focus on them. The home is always festive during the holidays, but do not obsess about it. When the kids are younger, letting them decorate the Christmas tree could be a family ritual. There would be a high concentration of ornaments right at the spot of their height each year, and then hardly any decorations above that. But the imperfections of the tree make it just perfect for the family. If you refocus your priorities, you are likely to enjoy the holidays – and your family will enjoy you.

SCENARIO 5: Every year your kids have a long list of expensive gifts they want for their birthday or for Christmas. How can you teach them to be happy with less this year?

Make the most of this teachable moment by asking your children to select one favorite gift on their list and say: “This year, Christmas is going to be different. It will still be about togetherness, but because the economy is so bad, we are going to give only one gift per person. Next year may be a Christmas with more gifts, but right now we do not have the money.” Depending on your kids’ age, this may be a good chance to convey the reality that the money you would have spent on gifts will pay for the good they eat and the car that gets everyone to school and work. Be honest and loving. Explain that you are cutting back not because they have been bad or are not loved but because your top priority is to put a roof over their heads.

SCENARIO 6: You are single and always get lonely this time of year. How can you get into the spirit of the season?

The best way to fill a hole inside yourself is to give away the thing you long for most. If you are yearning for someone to share the holidays with, then go be that person for someone else. Volunteer at an orphanage, home for the aged, feeding program, or a church. Help wrap presents for kids who think Santa isn’t going to visit them this year. Bring the jacket you haven’t worn in years to the Home for the Aged. Instead of focusing on what is missing in your life, focus on what you can give.

SCENARIO 7: You love your family, but after a few days cooped up together, you are ready to jump head first into the Pasig River, while pinching your nose because of the stench. How can you get some space?

You don’t need to be a victim here. If your priority is to celebrate with your family while also preserving your sanity and enjoying some “solo” time, then structure your holiday in a way that gives you need. It is never too late to rethink the way things have always been done so you can control your own schedule and accommodations. If everyone is going to be at Grandma’s house for five straight days, you may show up on day two and leave at then end of day four – or stay at a nearby hotel or with a friend. But let your family know your schedule ahead of time, they will be less likely to object to it if they have been informed beforehand.

How can you keep peace on earth with family intramurals?

Christmas get-togethers are not the time to declare a family problem-solving decision! This is not the time to say, “Since we are all here, let us talk about what happened when Grandma died and her stuff got divided up.” If there is an important issue the entire family needs to discuss, talk about it before you gather or wait until after the holidays. If a contentious topic comes up, say: “Let us all agree to schedule a time to get on the phone or meet in person next month. Not now. Let us just enjoy each other and make the most of this holiday.”

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