Policy, prostate, penis

This, first of all, is not about some sex scandal and neither is it a love story, so to those who expect otherwise, please accept my apologies.

Instead, it really is what it says it is and there’s a little of all three – policy, prostate and yes, the human penis.

Admittedly, I didn’t think policy – monetary policy to be exact – and men’s penis could ever be in the same story. Even more so, I didn’t think I would have the honor – or should I say the horror – of writing such a story.

Journalism, however, is full of surprises, just like Forrest Gump’s box of chocolates; you never really know what you’re gonna get. An interview or a story can turn out surprisingly different from what you expected or imagined it would be.

Such is what happened one high noon this week when I sat down with two male sources, a former Monetary Board member of the Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas and an incumbent monetary official.

I, of course, wanted to talk about monetary policy and the ghost employee scandal that rocked the institution – post-mortem that is, since the ghosts have now been busted.

The ex-Monetary Board member, however, had something else bothering his busy mind, a topic that is as hot as the scorching noonday heat.

So there we were seated at a table in a private dining room in a Japanese restaurant when Mr. Ex MB member – with all the urgency in the world visible on his face – told me there’s another important issue he would like to share.

By now, I was on the edge of my seat, anxiously waiting for a possible big scoop. Could there be more ghost stories or would I now have the names of the new MB appointees? I was giddy with excitement.

With bated breath, I was curious as hell and eager as any journalist would be to be served that big story.

But alas, how wrong I was! There was no scoop for me and this is certainly not a story about the economy.

The problem, he said, is that the human penis is under threat, a threat even greater than the fury of a woman scorned.

Now contrary to what you might think at this point in my story, this is not about that age-old problem hounding men of a certain age bracket or that thing they call “ED.”

That, after all, can be solved with the blue pill, some stroke of luck and perhaps with God’s will.

A new study

This new problem, says the ex-Monetary Board member seated across from me, is far more complex with no immediate remedy yet in sight.

It has to do with the latest study about microplastics now found in the human penis.

For the first time, according to MedicalNewsToday, “scientists have found microplastics in human penile tissue, sparking concerns about their prevalence and potential health risks.”

Four out of five penis tissue samples from five men contained seven different types of microplastics, according to the International Journal of Impotence Research.

Microplastics are the breakdown products of the plastics we use – from water bottles or food containers, according to a separate article in USA Today.

Drinking from plastic water bottles or eating food in a plastic container results in microplastics being deposited throughout the body, the article said.

The microplastics, it turns out, have now found their way to the human penis.

At this point, I couldn’t decide whether to laugh or cry or to just shut up. It’s certainly not the story I expected.

But then I realized I shouldn’t be surprised that my male sources are talking about the human penis with utmost urgency.

After all, throughout history, men have revered to no end their whole trio of pets, including their penis. Some have even coined names.

In a July 2010 issue of Cosmopolitan, some 23-year-old guy named Philip said he called his testicles “Winston Churchill and Gandhi.” (The Daily Beacon, April 20, 2015).

The ancient Greeks too have immortalized their fetish for the penis with male sculptures in their full naked glory.

And so I indulged my source about the issue and he went on to discuss that condoms could also be the culprit when it comes to the microplastics in human penis. Plus, he said, other sex toys you can find online or in the footbridges of Quiapo – whether it’s a goat eye cock ring, a stroker or what-have-you, as long as there’s plastic in it.

Wherever they come from, microplastics in the human penis may now be linked to fertility problems, according to the study, and this could potentially threaten the human population.

This could also be the next major problem for males after prostate enlargement, my worried source warned.

If you’re wondering at this point in my story how this is related to monetary policy, my source said the issue is now a hot topic among some past and present male Monetary Board members.

Now who would have thought plastics could be a problem not just for the environment but also for men and their penis and the future of the world’s population?

I certainly didn’t think so, either. But I hope that with this piece, I have done my part in helping preserve the health of the human penis.

Tomorrow, I promise you, I’ll move on to another story and go back to writing about the economy.

*      *      *

Email: [email protected]. Follow her on Twitter @eyesgonzales. Column archives at EyesWideOpen on FB.