Divorce or D-group

When it comes to separation or divorce, the most convincing argument or appeal are tears combined with stories of betrayal, mental abuse or years of unrequited love and self-sacrifice. If you listen to the narrative long enough, chances are your own view could be twisted or impaired and jeopardize you from giving the necessary help.

As “Kuya” to many friends, I have been entrusted with some of these stories and laments from wives, a husband or two and more from sons and daughters. What’s interesting is that they often come to me to be an enforcer or to hear my view, even brutal honesty.

I am not a trained psychologist or a professional counselor. The only thing that “qualifies” me is that I care, I am brutally frank, I’ve lived longer than most of them and if you ask me to bite your bone of woes, I don’t let go until it’s resolved.

My personal guardrail is that, when needed, I will bring in people who’ve walked through the fire, pastors equipped and respected in a subject and You will be required to comply or live to regret it!

I was recently reminded of a younger friend who had secretly been planning to leave her husband of many years. But because of divine intervention all hell broke loose in her family life, and I happened to be one of the many family friends managing multiple crises at the time.

Long story short, she opened up and shared her agony and intentions to carry out her plans once the dust settled. If the Bible says, “iron sharpens iron,” ours was “bullheaded met stubborn.” As I counseled her like a drill sergeant, I surrounded her with people who had survived the very situation she was in.  

My strategy was to redefine her environment, activity and community. That led to her being connected with couples, pastors, a different church and ultimately a D-group or disciples group for husbands and wives.

That journey helped her discover that others have experienced the same problems and survived, that love and caring can also come from people other than your spouse or family, their example of praying and testimony of obedience and blessings gave her hope and reason to believe and ultimately helped her to the victory and the finish line beyond her present pain from betrayals and embarrassment.

She was empowered to fight for her family, her husband and especially for herself by calling on God to fight for her. She chose to be discipled rather than be divorced. 

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There was a time when I was a staunch supporter of divorce, using emotional and economic arguments regarding marital injustice for many women in the Philippines.

But as one grows older, listen better, observe with objectivity and throw in a dash of reality, I have taken the view that while divorce seems to be the quickest way out, it is only possible for the rich and influential. People simply stop one episode, only to start another, always carrying the same baggage.

My “Ate” Marichu Villanueva suggested a more creative and less controversial version which was an “Expanded Separation” law that would not raise as many howls as the undying perpetually proposed divorce bills. It would be more along the lines of “annulment” but less complicated, and exorcised of the expenses for psych evaluation, lawyers, etc.

Legislators and activists would want us to believe that divorce is the only solution to a hopeless situation. Others argue that if two people are unhappy in a marriage, set them free. Then there is the argument that it would also be good for the children. Some people even say that God allowed divorce in cases of adultery.

Sorry but divorce does not include or improve things for the children, no matter how old they are, except in cases of domestic violence. You can be three or 30 and divorce always has a stigma that makes you afraid of becoming just like your parents. To this day, the constant criticism about the two options is that they cost hundreds of thousands of pesos, can drag on for years and do not make problems go away because it’s not as final as divorce.

I believe that the divorce bill would be no better. Just look into the history of divorce in the US and Europe and you realize that it’s not as simple as filling in the blanks and filing a request for divorce.

Many men go into bankruptcy after a divorce that did not even have anything to do with adultery or abuse. The Ex just wanted more in life and the partner could not deliver. Many women chase after deadbeat dads after winning custody and divorce.

Yes, we have thousands of unhappy and broken marriages. The question is how much the government and our legislators have done to fix the problems that create failed marriages. Unplanned pregnancy, shotgun weddings, lack of education and preparation, poverty, etc.

Churches and city halls conduct millions of marriage ceremonies but very few and regular free seminars on marriage, family planning and finance. All the marriage and family counselling groups I hear about are in exclusive universities and commercial buildings. 

What are the symptoms, what’s wrong, address the problem. Don’t create another one. The rich won’t let divorce come true, so let’s fix the marriages, the system and families instead. As for those who have separated and moved on, let’s adopt a statute of limitation of sorts. If a couple have been unmarried, separated, etc. for seven years, then declare the marriage “good and dead” – just like for missing persons.

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