Future-proof your family

In recent weeks, I have been encouraging my male friends, particularly those who are married or who have grown daughters, to find ways of helping the women in their lives to develop their skills, knowledge and, whenever possible, help them pursue a business or a path towards self-reliance and financial independence.

Believe it or not, in spite of the Philippines’ good scores in gender equality and empowerment of women, I know of so many men who actively refuse to allow their wife to work. They don’t want their in-laws to think they can’t provide or people to think they are not financially OK. Some even go religionon me, saying that God has different roles for men and for women.

The bigger group are men who never really thought about the idea of helping their wives become co-laborers or the other half of a two-income family. Even after the children have all reached 18 or college or are in their first job, Mama stays homebound instead of going for a second wind at work or business.

Last Saturday, I was reminded of the strongest argument why men should help their wife and children to develop their business sense, community network and financial independence. I attended the wake of my friend who died unexpectedly at the age of 48. He was the sole breadwinner, the financial pillar and leader of his clan. He was the good son and loving husband who took good care of his family.

But his unexpected death left behind a very young wife and young son who will in all likelihood have to go through the trauma of financial disruption while mourning his loss. My friend was a consummate public servant but not one who managed to invest much on the side. By God’s grace he spent his last year of life invested in making memories with his extended family, but very little on finances for the future.

This is usually what happens to many families in the Philippines. During the wake, friends console your loved ones, a few able and generous persons will hand an envelope to the widow or the kids, but chances are what they are given during the wake won’t even cover the entire cost of your funeral unless you were smart enough and realistic enough to pay for a plan.

In the meantime, I would suggest that the men —husbands, fathers — start looking in the mirror, pray and then ask the questions you have been avoiding: If you were to die this week, how ready and able is your wife and family once you are no longer around to bring home the paycheck, the business profits or commissions that you have been earning through the years?

When the father is the single income provider, the person who knows all the deals, runs the business or goes to work for a salary, sadly, the rest of the family have no part or have no say in financial matters and when the Grim Reaper takes “dad” home, disaster strikes upon those left behind.

Does your wife or adult children have the skills, exposure, network to enable them to carry on earning a living long after you are gone? Will they survive financially for two to three years on what is left or will they have to “unload” or sell all the things you worked so hard to have: the house, your car, your hard-earned toys and trinkets perhaps?

How many families do we know who have had to sell the family home along with properties because at the end of the day, no one was earning or co-laboring with the sole bread winner. Sadder than this are the widows who have had to knock on other people’s homes to borrow money for tuition fees, rent, electric bill, etc.

A lot of that could really be avoided if men helped their wives or daughters to be co-laborers, exposed and experienced in business, if spouses jointly studied or trained for financial literacy and regularly talked about building wealth together. In my mind the worst betrayal a man can commit is to leave his family unable and ill equipped to survive without him. If their comfort is all tied to your existence, you are being unfair and unfaithful to all.

One of my friends recently told me that he was already there: teaching and training his daughter to take over the family business. That was good, I said, but is she doing it because she wants to or because she wants to please you? I pointed out that a traditional medium scale business can and should be run by professionals from within or externally. If it’s already running well, just have it managed well without tying down your daughter to it.

When fathers or grandfathers go about training grown or adult daughters, it is often very stressful due to the generational gap, the position of authority and level of expertise the mentor/parent has compared to the daughter. The parent knows too much and expects too much, which generally makes the experience unpleasant for the younger person.

Unless the daughter or wife was introduced to the process or business early on, this usually causes stress and fractures in family relations. The other problem is that the older generation/parent/husband is more interested in someone carrying on with a business that he worked so hard for and has so much emotion and meaning to him, but not necessarily to the next in line.

I suggested that they all get together and make their wish list of business ideas, match this with the obvious skills and talents they each have, make the choice, train or study together and grow the business together. If one moves on, the others are capable of carrying on.

*      *      *

E-mail: [email protected]