Speaking about suicide

Last Saturday was World Suicide Prevention Day and while preparing for this column, I realized I couldn’t remember the last time I had a proactive conversation about suicide. Not a conversation triggered by a death by suicide of someone in the news, or in my social circles – a conversation about the topic of suicide, of the action some take to end their own lives.

This is hardly surprising because people simply don’t talk about suicide… even when it happens. Undoubtedly some of this may be because of the grief of those left behind, but any death of a loved one causes grief, yet in the Philippines, at the wakes the cause of death is a frequent point of free discussion. Not so when one dies by their own hand, or is thought to have done so, and so the reason goes beyond grief (although the grief felt by those left behind by one who dies by suicide is of a class of its own).

The blame for the silence lies in the stigma associated with taking one’s own life. It’s a stigma that has multiple sources – from the philosophical (Aristotle condemned suicide) to the religious (many religions considered suicide to be a sin) or legal (suicide was a criminal act in many countries until the eighteenth and nineteenth centuries, and others into the twentieth).

But while the stigma is a reason for the silence, the silence itself perpetuates the stigma, even if the prevailing thought has moved on. Those who take their own lives are no longer buried at the crossroads, or apart from “good” Christians, but for as long as even talking about suicide is seen as taboo, the stigma will remain. The silence will remain.

And that silence can be deadly to those struggling with thoughts of suicide.

To take one’s own life is a distinctly individual act, and the reasons will be specific to each. But even if we can never fully understand individual acts, we must seek threads of common elements, some clue as to how to help those who feel like death is their only recourse.

One factor researchers have found to help protect against suicidal behavior is connectedness… many who take their own lives feel isolated and socially disconnected. When the only voice you hear is the one in your head, and that voice does nothing but shame you and tear you down, connecting with another person can be a saving grace.

So, I want to use this column to talk about suicide. Because talking about suicide is one of the only ways known to help protect against it.  Because those who think of suicide, those who attempt it, those who die by it, are not to be shunned or veiled in silence. Because talking about suicide is the only way to dispel myths about it.

In his recent book “When It is Darkest: Why People Die by Suicide and What We Can Do to Prevent It,” Professor Rory O’Connor (past president of the International Academy of Suicide Research) laid out several myths about suicide that can actively harm efforts to prevent it. Here are several myths:

(1) Asking about suicide ‘plants’ the idea in someone’s head – O’Connor points to a study that unequivocally found that this was not the case, and in fact asking about it could help improve the mental health of the other. There have been many documented cases where the concern of a friend, or even a stranger, altered the suicidal trajectory of someone’s thoughts. So don’t believe the myth – if you are worried if someone is having suicidal thoughts, ask them directly. That may just be the cue they need to seek help.

(2) Suicidal people clearly want to die – On the contrary, one of the commonalities of suicides is ambivalence. As O’Connor says elsewhere in his book, from what we can tell, suicide is more about ending pain and misery rather than a desire for death. It is simply that; isolated from other voices or other options, death is the only way they can see to stop the pain. If we can help alleviate their suffering, death will somehow start to lose its allure.

(3) Suicidal behavior is motivated by attention-seeking – One of the reasons that a stigma continues to cling to suicide in the modern day is its association with a negative interpretation of “attention-seeking.” This particularly applies to unsuccessful suicide attempts made through less lethal means (such as slashing the wrists), as it is easy to dismiss these as not genuine attempts at death. But these are, more often than not, not meant to call attention for the sake of attention, but to point to an underlying pain. They are genuine signs of distress – imagine the mental landscape of someone that would see cutting themselves as better than the alternative.

Many who self-harm in that way do eventually take their lives if their underlying pain is not relieved – to save lives, we must learn to treat these with kindness and not disdain. As O’Connor says, “[e]very act of self-harm, irrespective of motive, needs to be taken seriously and deserves a compassionate, human response.”

Having a compassionate, human response to others is one of the ways we can help support others in their mental battles. We live in an age of toxicity and alienation, and while there are times when we must raise our fists and voices in indignation, there are other interactions where we can – and should – respond with kindness and empathy.

A warm word, a kind action… working to create a world where these are more common is worthwhile in itself but can also save lives. And someday, that life may even be our own.

For those who may need immediate help and find themselves isolated from friends and family, the National Center for Mental Health Crisis Hotline can be contacted via the following:

1553 (Luzon toll-free landline); 0917-899-USAP (Globe); 0908-639-2672 (SMART/Sun/TNT)
They are also on Facebook and Messenger: facebook.com/ncmhcrisishotline/