Years and selves

Beginnings and ends almost always arrive together, the end of one thing a herald for – and necessity to – the beginning of another. Not so the past and the future… too much focus on one can be at the expense of thinking on the other. This is one of the reasons why the transition from one calendar year to the next has a special place in many cultures. The end of the year moves us to reflect on what came to pass over the previous 12 months, while the start of the next makes thoughts of what may come afterwards all but unavoidable. It has become an opportunity for both reflection and resolution, and during times when it feels like we are always rushing from crisis to crisis, such opportunities are all the more valuable.

The idea of New Year’s Resolutions seems to have gone somewhat out of fashion in recent years, maybe because the pandemic has focused our attention outside our selves rather than within. But even if a lion’s share of resolutions don’t come true, there is still something to be said for the practice – after all, a resolution is a sign that there is something we would like to change in our selves, some aspect of us that we believe can be made better. This admission itself is an exercise in humility and self-awareness that only becomes more important as we get more set in our ways. And we’re always more set in our ways than we believe ourselves to be.

Most people have a double-sided relationship with change. On the one hand, it’s human nature to want more. This can be expressed in both positive and negative ways: in the dreams we have for ourselves, and the envy we feel when we see what others have. But on the other hand, change is frightening – it removes us from what we are used to, forces us to evaluate our actions and, above all, it has a chance to fail. After all, there is no chance for us to fail at being who we already are.

Or is there? Time changes all things, from mountains to the human heart. If we do not regularly take a hard look at our selves, at how we act and what we believe, we risk being changed without our knowledge or control. If change is inevitable, even those who wish to remain true to themselves must regularly take stock of their past and present, and resolve themselves for the future.

Can changing our selves be frightening? Yes. Can we fail? Yes, and more than that – it is likely we will fail many times before we succeed. But there are ways that we can improve our chances, and one of the most important is to acknowledge from the start that no failure is a loss, as our eventual success will be built on the back of these failures and what we learn from them.

As with any large endeavor, if we can break it down into smaller parts, we improve our chances. Try to focus on things that we can control, and see what smaller changes need to be made in order to make the bigger change possible. Trying to overcome an enormous obstacle all at once can lead to demoralizing failure – it’s been shown many times that will power is a finite resource. Identify smaller changes that can be the source of tangible progress – some call this an “implementation intention,” an “if-then” plan where you set particular conditional goals. “If I’m going up less than three floors then I’ll take the stairs” or “If it is a Sunday I will spend dinner with my family.” Small steps, measurable triumphs, can build up your confidence in your ability to change.

The most difficult things to change about ourselves are those traits of ours that have been formed through repetition. Repetition begets habit, and habits are exceedingly difficult to alter – after all, habits are habits because we do them without thinking. When we take aim at our habits, will power alone is seldom enough, since when we do things automatically, there is no window of opportunity where will power can be deployed to stop us.

What we must do to bring will power to bear is to widen the scope of the battlefield. The focal moment is not only the exact time when we choose whether to do or not do a habitual action. We can act even before that time arises – we can prepare by avoiding situations where our habits would be triggered, we can use our will power to take control of our environment and change the options that we will have available to ourselves in the future. We are less likely to smoke at work if we make sure that we have no cigarettes in our bag or desk; we will find it easier to avoid sugary desserts if we also stock healthier alternatives.

But widening the scope of the battlefield means that we should not only consider what happens before a habitual action, but also what happens after. When I wrote earlier that we must consider every failure as part of the road to success, it means we must change our attitude towards “broken” resolutions. We need to be able to acknowledge mistakes without judging ourselves, or spiraling down into despair and self-pity. We must see that it is possible to slip without falling, without relapsing… that as long as we remain committed to our goal, no promise to change has been irreparably broken. With truly difficult changes, forgiveness can play just as big a role as will power.

But this is forgiveness that we owe to ourselves, and not something others are obligated to give us. It is not for an abuser to say that his victim owes him a second chance. A true desire to change must acknowledge not only the flaw but also the harm caused and accept that change only entitles you to a better future and not a forgotten past.

2021 has ended, and 2022 has begun. Let us use this opportunity not just to look back on the year that was, but on the “me” that was – and let us turn towards the new year with a firm resolve to both have a better year, and make a better “I.”