The true gift

As we get older we slowly become aware of gifts as more than a source of unilateral joy. Gifts and the rituals that surround them are an essential part of how communities are built, and how relations between individuals are established. In a cultural sense, gifts can rarely be treated as pure acts of magnanimity or generosity. In most societies, there are rules that surround the giving and receiving of gifts, usually unspoken but no less binding. We can feel that ourselves, usually in the form of abashed guilt: when we receive a gift from someone we did not prepare a gift for, or when we did give a gift to that person but the gift we receive is much more valuable.

The unspoken rules usually provide an interconnectedness between giving, receiving and reciprocating. It’s little wonder that the renowned French ethnologist Marcel Mauss found that the word “Gift” has a double meaning in ancient Germanic languages – the word could mean a boon or a poison, and in their folklore, it was a common trope for a present to prove fatal to a hero. Of course it’s rarely that bad in real life, the web of obligations and expectations that come with a gift can be a heavy weight. And when we do give a gift in turn, the fact the presence of a calculation of reciprocal value, or even the fact it is a response to a prior gift, can make us feel that it is somehow lacking in the ideal generosity of spirit.

In his essay aptly entitled “Gifts,” Ralph Waldo Emerson writes: “The only gift is a portion of thyself. Thou must bleed for me. Therefore the poet brings his poem; the shepherd, his lamb; the farmer, corn; the miner, a gem; the sailor, coral and shells; the painter, his picture; the girl, a handkerchief of her own sewing.” But I also think that although we do not give the actual fruit of our labor, we also give a portion of ourselves when we give with sincerity with the honest intention of sharing what we have to make the recipient of the gift happy.

This Christmas season, some have already given gifts to their families and loved ones and have started to have their Christmas celebrations and parties; however, more Filipinos are unable to do so because of poverty. Because of Typhoon Odette – the strongest typhoon to hit the Philippines this year – more families do not have not only gifts to give their loved ones or a Noche Buena dinner, but they do not even have electricity, a home, food or water. Some may have lost loved ones and family members and can no longer celebrate Christmas with them.

Now is a good time to reflect on the act of gift-giving, and what gifts mean to us. The true gift is not one where we give a portion of ourselves through things that we have made or obtained through our own hands, as Ralph Waldo Emerson had put it. I think that the true gift is something that is given with love.

I hope this Christmas we may share whatever we can with the victims of Typhoon Odette and others who may be in desperate need of it. If we have no money or other resources to spare, we may also give our time, talent and skill to help gather funds and resources for the cause. There are many ways to help, and in all those ways – if we give out of compassion and love to those who have little or none at all, like the victims of Typhoon Odette, then we are giving the true gift.

A true gift is an overflowing, a result of our hearts breaking free of our usual focus on our selves and seeking the betterment of another.

Should that make us feel good, as the giver? I think there is no sin in that, and in fact it is a natural consequence. Studies have shown that voluntarily helping others makes us feel good, and that feeling good makes us more likely to voluntarily help others. A gift may come at a cost to the giver, but in a gift that is a cost, the giver is more than willing to pay.

The philosopher Derrida posits that the pure gift – one given without getting anything in return – is not actually possible. One would always get something in return for giving. A giver may get a sense of fulfillment or may be praised by those who see him or her giving, or may gain popularity; but as long as the gift is given with a sincere intention to help, to serve, to better the position of others or to make others happy – then that is what counts.

Like Hélène Cixous, for me you can see the complex reality of a gift in the relationship of a loving mother and infant. Not all relationships of a mother and child are characterized by love, but for those that are, none of what the mother gives her baby is transactional. I know first hand that being a mother is hard, and literal blood is shed in the gift of life, but mothers can acknowledge that hardship while retaining our joy. This is the gift as an overflow of love, from an imperfect giver to an imperfect recipient.

As we celebrate the birth of God made man, I think it’s important that we not turn away from either the imperfections of our selves or the generosity of those that love us. It is not perfection that merits a gift, but the love that grants it anyway; we may not be able to have utterly selfless intentions when we give, but love urges us to give anyway.

The bottom line, this Christmas, is to act with love. Give with love, receive with love, try not to focus on weighing or measuring, what is owed or what is expected. But if we can’t help our mortal failings, then fret not, for if we give or receive with love, the imperfections do not matter. Or, as it is said in 1 Peter 4:8: “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

Merry Christmas, to you and yours.