Funny things happen in the HR department

Wishing that our preparation for Christmas would be cool, easy, and light, we opt to spice up our early December with some harmless humor, rather than write about COVID, corruption, crime, typhoons, and man's endless propensity for stupidity and greed. I spent 25 years in HR in San Miguel, Petron, and Pepsi, and I want to tickle the funny bones of my HR friends.

While working for a major oil company in 1981, I was seconded to serve as HR director of its shipping subsidiary, which operated, among others, about seven oil tankers transporting crude from Saudi and other Gulf Arab countries, and delivering them to the refinery in Limay, Bataan, which turned crude to gasoline. One tanker with 17 crew, including the captain, sank in the vicinity of the sea between Indonesia and Malaysia. Under our policy, we had to pay the salaries of these employees for one year until they were declared judicially dead. After 12 months, I summoned all the wives as I was going to distribute the death benefits-cum-retirement pay to them.

The problem was that the captain allegedly had two wives. One wife appeared from Bataan with one child, with a marriage certificate dated 1951. The other wife came from Zamboanga with seven children, with a marriage certificate dated 1960. The two bickered, and I wasn’t about to act as judge like King Solomon, to decide who was the legal wife. And so, I told them if they couldn’t arrive at a friendly settlement, I would deposit the money (more than P10 million), and by complaint for interpleader, they all had to fight in a long and nasty legal battle. I gave them one week. Happily, after five days, they came with a deed of extrajudicial settlement, dividing the money into ten equal shares, two shares to the Bataan family, and eight shares to the Zamboanga family. They ended up hugging, each with a check of over P1 million. But that wasn’t the end of the story.

After a week, all the 17 crew arrived alive and very much kicking. The captain was with his third wife, a young Indonesian. The company president told me to let them resume working. I advised him that we couldn’t possibly rehire persons who had been declared judicially dead. In fact, their widows already collected the retirement and separation benefits, aside from the SSS funeral and death benefits. The president told me to do anything within the bounds of law, as long as his orders are implemented. And so, I asked them to get another SSS membership, and they had to sign an undertaking that they were not allowed to die again. No one is allowed to recover death benefits more than once. As the James Bond song goes: You only live twice, one for yourself, and one for your dreams. But I hastened to add: You only die once.

That company also had a mining operation in Bislig, Surigao, and in Zamboanga Sibugay. My on-site HR officer called me and said that he dismissed a miner for multiple AWOLs and he received a letter from an NPA commander ordering him to reinstate the worker, who was the father of the commander. I told my officer to send to the NPA all copies of the documents showing his absences and all other offenses. After one week, the NPA replied that they accepted the validity of the dismissal because their man was at fault. But the courier of the letter should be appointed to replace him. I directed my officer to hire the replacement. Anyway, we also hired relatives of the military officers. Whether NPA or military, they have the right to earn a living. And as long as we had NPA relatives there, they wouldn’t bomb our mining sites. As James Bond said: Live and let die, but we hastened to correct: Live and let live.

Just two years ago, I was waiting for my connecting flight in the Singapore Changi airport. A man with a young woman approached and hugged me. He was the ship captain and the woman was his fourth wife, young enough to be his granddaughter. We had a real nice conversation over beer, recalling those happy days and sharing jokes, wit, and wisdom. He told me one thing I could never forget. He said that his long life was made possible by his four wives and 19 children. And he is a Christian who believes in enjoying life and making people happy. I think he will go to heaven, if he isn’t there yet. But he isn’t allowed to die again.