A light-hearted rant against CNN

This is a light-hearted rant against CNN. But not for the reasons you’d expect.

With ABS-CBN shut down, there are fewer voices of reason and sober tele-journalism about the Philippines and world events. Those that remain should be heard.

I find much to like in CNN reporting. Fareed Zakariah, Don Lemon, Chris Cuomo, Nick Robertson, Halah Gorani, Brianna Keilar, Anderson Cooper. Sanjay Gupta. In terms of both content and delivery, all are worth listening to. Even Richard Quest, when he isn’t posturing too much like a used-car salesman.

It was therefore with some surprise that I learned that Fox News draws 4 million prime time viewers to CNN’s 2.5 million. CNN leads by a thin margin in the 25-54 age group, but trails badly in the others, which are by elimination the over-55 and the 18-24.

Being in one of those other age-groups (guess which), and having excellent credentials (watch more TV than Donald Trump, able to do homework, eat dinner and carry on a phone conversation while watching), I determined to figure out how it could be that CNN is trusted to tell the truth by three times more viewers than Fox, yet has barely half the audience.

Here is my bottom line: It is exhausting to listen to CNN.

Emphasis on the “listen.” Most people don’t “watch” cable news with 100 percent attention.

Most like me are doing something else at the same time, like eating, surfing, dealing with emails, gaming, whatever. Therefore, the “sound” of a cable news network is important, perhaps critical.

So let me say it again: It is exhausting to listen to CNN.

They can’t just present the World Weather; they accompany it with cacophonous, frantic, insistent soundtracks. One sounds like a horse race; another conjures Whirling Dervish dancing at triple speed. There are about five different tracks used, and all range from painful to excruciating. How about royalty-free Pachelbel or Bach for a change?

The What A Shot! sports recap comes out every hour or so (sometimes every quarter-hour), accompanied by a loud, jarring, repetitive fanfare that keeps cycling from crescendo to crescendo, without ever reaching a resolution. It reminds me of Mozart’s A Musical Joke, a parody meant to mock incompetent composers. Now, every time this comes on, I switch to BBC.

The CNN Newsroom fanfares (there are several) are tolerable, but not when played repeatedly, sometimes thrice in two minutes, and often average 30 times an hour.

Many of the advertisements carry soundtrack torture. The Rolex Climate Conversation ad is so dramatic, it’s draining. There is an ad related to Abu Dhabi with stunning images but a horrendous soundtrack that variously evokes Faust, a space ship launch, a Batman movie score. The Egypt tourism ad has overly-ethnic music that would be fine if you heard it once a month, but not several times daily. The African woman selling long-distance phone calls is cute the first time. Not the second or the twentieth.

Even the 30 Seconds of Calm has jarring sounds. One starts with a waterfall, but instead of a soothing Hush, you hear what sounds like glass being crushed at 120 decibels.

The sound bites are mini-speeches by supposedly interesting personalities.

But by the third time you hear someone smugly talking about how she wants to have a “louder voice to benefit humanity”, you wish she were in front of you so you could tell her how full of herself she is.

And lastly, while most CNN news presenters and correspondents have okay voices, a notable minority, and their interviewees, do not. There are too many fake or low-class British accents. (I was a banker in the UK for two years, so I can judge.) Some of the other English accents are too ethnic, comical. Two CNN presenters sound like they are sh***ng bricks, regardless of the subject.

Often, it is clear that an interview guest cannot speak coherently, saying “y’know” and “uuuuh” five times per sentence. Yet instead of getting it over with quickly, the CNN presenter just keeps slogging on.

CNN is exhausting to listen to. And its poor ratings relative to Fox have consequences. 25-54 is the prime cohort for much advertising, but CNN’s ads are for luxury travel and collectible watches; the plausible market for these are the over-55.

More urgently, the 18-24 and over-55 age groups all vote, too, and if in fleeing CNN they wind up on other networks like Fox, that might change a few votes on Nov. 3.

The writer is the author of Crazy Wild Ideas: Out-of-the-Box Solutions for Fixing the Philippines