Awareness is crucial

MANILA, Philippines — Defining the Filipino family must be viewed from a scientific perspective, particularly from psychological and sociological perspectives, so that Filipinos can have a more nuanced understanding of who they are and why they are the way they are today.

Dr. Ma. Lourdes “Honey” Arellano-Carandang, founder and president of MLAC Institute for Psychosocial Services Inc. and a clinical psychologist with special training in child and family therapy, shared her expertise and gave insights about today’s Filipino family in a recent interview. Carandang was recognized in 1995 as a National Social Scientist.

The Filipino family is in crisis and facing multiple challenges. There is so much stress in society that is impinging on the family. Since it is the burden carrier of the social order, the family absorbs this stress. The family is overburdened, Carandang said.

First, there’s the daily stress of going to work and coming home. Parents spend several hours on the road because of TRAFFIC, instead of spending those hours with their children. There is hardly any time for the family to be together. It may be a small thing but it drains our energy and separates families.

Then there is another big thing: the violence all around us. Violent death is a daily occurrence. “I am afraid that children are starting to think that it is normal (which should never be). Now, they play and say things like ‘You line up there and I will kill you one by one.’ I have not seen that kind of play in our play therapy sessions before.

“We are all being affected by the lack of respect for human beings, the daily assault on the dignity of the person. Even adults notice that they are more irritable, they get angry easily and find themselves using profanities and insults. This assault on our dignity and total lack of respect for persons is very disturbing, eroding our spirit.”

Third is the separation of families when parents have to work abroad. There’s the feminization of global labor migration so that now it’s the mothers who have to leave the family to work abroad; before, it’s the fathers. This phenomenon has had a very strong impact on the family.

We did extensive research about families left behind by OFW mothers. This resulted in the book Nawala ang Ilaw ng Tahanan. The children and the fathers experienced pervasive sadness. The fathers were at a loss. They did not know how to talk to their children, how to do household chores, and how to develop proper self-esteem.

We worked first on their identity and self-worth before teaching them the skills of parenting and household management. This resulted in their transformation. After the intervention they said “Ang mga haligi ay naging ilaw na rin.” The project, called AMMA (Ama na Magaling Mag-aruga sa Anak), is still ongoing.

These children of OFW parents are sometimes called “Seasonal Orphans.” The parent stays for a long time abroad, then comes back, then leaves again. This interrupted adjustment is different from dealing with loss in a continuous grieving process.

The family is a system. The stress or joy experienced by one member inevitably affects all the other members whether they like it or not. In Tagalog, Ang sakit ng kalingkingan ay nararamdaman ng buong katawan. It is like a hanging mobile with different parts. When you take out one piece, it totally changes. The piece that was removed has no more place in that mobile.

The family seeks a new balance. With this new balance and equilibrium, the person who will be coming in will not have a place. It is very difficult to integrate because the system has already changed. It is now a new system where the person who left is no longer part of the system.

Imagine how difficult that is! We need to prepare families for this, first by making them aware of it to lessen the impact of that separation when they leave. Regular and constant communication is essential so that the person who is away still feels part of the family, so when she comes back, she’s not totally out of place. Keeping the connection must be taken care of.

Lastly there’s the intrusion of technology into our family life, even around our dining tables and inside bedrooms. The use of gadgets such as iPads and cellphones has affected family relations. Instead of talking to each other, family members are now absorbed in their individual gadgets. They are together, but their minds are somewhere else.

This can be related to a very alarming phenomenon: the unprecedented rise in cases of adolescent depression and suicides. Aside from the above mentioned stress that children and adolescents have to deal with, social media has been a major cause of adolescent depression. There is Facebook envy and all the other things they have to keep up with in social media, as well as being subjected to cyber bullying and seeing disturbing posts that affect them emotionally, socially, and in many other ways. Adolescents relate through media, but they are not really connected in a deep way.

The situation is very disturbing and alarming. We have to understand that young people are facing greater stress than ever before. Parents need to be helped to become more aware of the signs of depression in their children such as a drastic change from being sociable to avoiding social contact, a change in patterns of eating or sleeping, always being sad and losing interest in things, and not caring about their appearance or anything else. In school, the teacher must be aware of other signs like changes in how students relate to their peers, bullying, school refusal, and the contents of their themes and essays. They may be asking for help and we may not notice it.

Dr. Carandang stressed that awareness is crucial and it is very important to LISTEN, always LISTEN. Practice DEEP and MINDFUL LISTENING!

She believes that we must recognize the talents and creativity of young Filipinos. This generation is very smart, and we need to appreciate their creative ideas and “out of the box” thinking, and encourage them to make good use of these talents and ideas to help our country now.